Must of us just turn our toilets into a war zone while in that state.
In 1969, slap bang in the middle of the Cold War, North Korea shot down a U.S. spy plane, killing all 31 men on board. Such an act called for a severe reaction from America, but what should it be? Putting boots on the ground in a new country was a no-go, lest college campuses across the nation combine into one massive flower of power, Megazord-style. Presumably at this point, Nixon was a few bottles of 1957 Chateau Lafite Rothschild deep, because upon hearing the news, Futurama's best recurring punchline flipped the fuck out and ordered a tactical nuclear strike.
Future Secretary Of State Henry Kissinger did what anyone would do when their boss starts drunkenly shouting about kick-starting the apocalypse: he phoned everyone and told them to hold off on the nuclear holocaust until Nixon had a chance to sleep off his buzz. As you may have noticed, both Korea and America still exist today, so this plan clearly worked.
Central Intelligence Agency
There's no way he didn't tuck Nixon in bed and kiss(inger) him on the forehead at least once. No way.
Another time, the British Prime Minister asked to talk to Nixon about the just-started Arab-Israeli War of 1973, but Kissinger said (and this is a direct quote), "Can we tell them no? When I talked to the president he was loaded." This was probably partly to avoid Nixon the embarrassment, and partly to prevent him from saying they should just wipe out that whole continent.
Kissinger has been called a war criminal and a unique monster, but we can thank his drunkard-managing skills for the fact that whole chunks of the world were not turned into an irradiated mess for decades.
Jordan Breeding has a blog, a band, and a butthole. Choose wisely. You can email Alexander Pan's at alexander.pan.90@gmail or tweet him at @alexandervpan. Follow Mike on Twitter.
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