Hitler Suffered From Uncontrollable Farting
"Hitler couldn't stop farting and ate poop pills and was probably a junkie" sounds exactly like something we'd make up if we wanted to make the guy look bad, for whatever reason. And yet, these claims don't come from some dodgy tabloid or a group of seven-year-olds fighting in a schoolyard -- they come from Hitler's actual medical records.
Bundesarchiv, Bild 102-03643A / CC-BY-SA 3.0
Everybody downwind in this shot died after Hitler's bean burrito lunch.
Ever since Hitler was a child, he was subject to bouts of vicious farting whenever he was under great emotional distress. Many believe this is why he became a vegetarian (which would have helped with the smell, but worsened the frequency). He would reportedly disappear to his room right after every dinner to drop butt bombs in privacy. All of this puts Hitler's quote about defeating Poland, "I shall brew them a devil's drink," into a disturbing new light.
Continuously embarrassed, and suffering from extreme intestinal cramping, Hitler graduated from simple dietary changes and turned to Dr. Koester's Anti-Gas Pills for relief. These fart- (and rat-) killing pills were recommended to him by his personal physician, Dr. Morell, who was as qualified to be a doctor as Hitler was to run a daycare. Morell also prescribed him Mutaflor, a delicious cocktail of "bacteria cultured from the faeces of a Bulgarian peasant." So, yeah, poop pills.
"... is it a white Bulgarian peasant?"
When the pills stopped being enough, Hitler turned to increasingly extreme methods. Determined to never backslide down the path of ruined shorts and embarrassing dinner dates at Taco Bell, Hitler continually added more and more drugs to his daily tummy-soothing regimen. By the time he killed himself, he was on at least 28 different drugs, including barbiturate tranquilizers, morphine, bull semen, and possibly even amphetamines. We can only imagine the great relief his death must have brought to his drug-tightened bowels, finally loosened for the first time in decades.
Charles Darwin Rode The Galapagos Tortoises, Smacked Their Tortoise Butts
Charles Darwin's first visit to the Galapagos Islands was a great moment for science and/or Satan, depending on who you ask. Either way, historic stuff. It was there that Darwin noticed subtle but key differences in varying species of animal -- you know, as if they had evolved, or something.