Instead of ordering a charge en masse, the inebriated Cheatham told his division to move forward in piece-meal elements that were appropriately devoured under a hail of Union gunfire. Needing to rile up his troops fast, he mounted his horse, raised his sword, and charged toward the enemy in a valiant display of courage -- for about ten feet, before he "rolled off his horse and fell to the ground as limp and helpless as a bag of meal," in full view of both sides of the battle. The history book don't specify how much of his butt crack was visible, but we're guessing it was 100 percent.
Los Angeles County Sheriffs Department
He was going for "Mel Gibson in The Patriot," but he ended up as "Mel Gibson the rest of the time."
After that, his men were basically too embarrassed to fight, and Cheatham lost more than his battle with sobriety that day. So, whatever became of him? Nothing, he continued his Jack Daniel's brand of leadership until the end of the war, with his face literally appearing on Jack Daniel's bottles. It was presumably their little tribute for singlehandedly keeping the company afloat.
Library of Congress
Although "Ben Cheatham's" sounds more like a supermarket-brand rum.
A Hammered Nixon Wanted To Nuke North Korea, So Kissinger Told Everyone To Ignore Him Until He Slept It Off
Richard Nixon may have been tricky (as well as dicky), but the one thing that could be said for him was that he probably didn't want the world to burn in nuclear fire. That is, until he got drunk.
Executive Office of the President of the United States
Must of us just turn our toilets into a war zone while in that state.
In 1969, slap bang in the middle of the Cold War, North Korea shot down a U.S. spy plane, killing all 31 men on board. Such an act called for a severe reaction from America, but what should it be? Putting boots on the ground in a new country was a no-go, lest college campuses across the nation combine into one massive flower of power, Megazord-style. Presumably at this point, Nixon was a few bottles of 1957 Chateau Lafite Rothschild deep, because upon hearing the news, Futurama's best recurring punchline flipped the fuck out and ordered a tactical nuclear strike.
Future Secretary Of State Henry Kissinger did what anyone would do when their boss starts drunkenly shouting about kick-starting the apocalypse: he phoned everyone and told them to hold off on the nuclear holocaust until Nixon had a chance to sleep off his buzz. As you may have noticed, both Korea and America still exist today, so this plan clearly worked.
Central Intelligence Agency
There's no way he didn't tuck Nixon in bed and kiss(inger) him on the forehead at least once. No way.
Another time, the British Prime Minister asked to talk to Nixon about the just-started Arab-Israeli War of 1973, but Kissinger said (and this is a direct quote), "Can we tell them no? When I talked to the president he was loaded." This was probably partly to avoid Nixon the embarrassment, and partly to prevent him from saying they should just wipe out that whole continent.
Kissinger has been called a war criminal and a unique monster, but we can thank his drunkard-managing skills for the fact that whole chunks of the world were not turned into an irradiated mess for decades.
Jordan Breeding has a blog, a band, and a butthole. Choose wisely. You can email Alexander Pan's at alexander.pan.90@gmail or tweet him at @alexandervpan. Follow Mike on Twitter.
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