Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?

These medical practices seem right in line with what you'd see stumbling through the wrong door at the Umbrella Corporation.
Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?

The world of modern medicine is truly a wondrous spectacle to behold -- just as long as you don't behold it too closely. Because sometimes what goes on behind a hospital's smiling, sterile veneer can get downright Cronenbergian. Here are a few of the methods used to heal humanity that seem more like something you might stumble upon when walking through the wrong door on your first day working for the Umbrella Corporation:

Horseshoe Crab Blood Farms

Hey, remember that nightmare you had in which you went to the hospital to get a vital operation and walked in on a bunch of masked overseers juicing the lifeblood out of a row of captive aliens? No? Damn, because we really hoped that whatever this horrific bullshit is wasn't real.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
National Geographi

This is literally the evil vampire's plans for humanity in Blade 3.

Those are actually horseshoe crabs and we humans are in fact harvesting their blood, which is blue, like a seasonal Mountain Dew flavor sold in Hell's worst bodega.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Andrew Tingle/Wired

But they give them a cookie and a sticker later, so it's all good.

Actually horseshoe crab blood is blue because it contains a lot of copper. They use that particular mineral to do the job that iron does in human (and other animal) blood, and instead of hemoglobin they have something called hemocyanin, which transports oxygen throughout their bodies. Their blood also deals with infection in a way that's much different than ours, and clots aggressively around any foreign body to the point where it's easily seen under a microscope -- this is what makes their oozing goop absolutely vital to the pharmaceutical industry.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?

Worldwide boners are going to take a serious hit if it turns out that this is why Viagra is blue.

The gel-like substance that surrounds the slightest bacterial infection in horseshoe crabs was co-discovered by the tremendously named scientist Fred Bang. The chemical that causes it to occur, called coagulogen, allows us to very accurately test medications for contamination, can detect anomalies as small as one part per trillion, and is used on just about every single drug that comes out. And the way to get it is to capture a shitload of crabs, jab a needle in their assholes, and subject them to a process called "rack & bleed."

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Charles River Laboratories

One of the few jobs where coming to work drunk every day would be completely understandable.

If you're wondering how one could possibly work in such a facility without experiencing a daily existential horror-crisis, that fact that one quart of this "blue gold" is worth $15,000 might go a long way in explaining it. And although the crabs' ordeal looks like a nightmarish combination of medieval and futuristic crustacean torture, you'll be pleased to know that the vast majority survive and are released back into the wild, where they are free to gather in massive groups to nurse their terrible grudge.

We're just saying, don't be shocked if there's a crustacean uprising.

Surgical Robot Spiders

If you think living in today's world is bleak, just be thankful we're not at the point where prostate exams are administered en masse to shivering groups of middle-aged men via the cold probes of pitiless spider robots.

Royal Surrey County Hospital

The jelly finger doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

Despite the fact that it's hard not to cringe imagining these things anywhere near your delicates, that thing up there is a device that could one day save your life should you ever require surgery.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Intuitive Surgical

Shake hands with the future of medicine. Just wipe it off first, since we're pretty sure one of those things is a catheter.

These spidery contraptions are called Da Vinci robots, and their prime directive is carving away at your innards. Some say that such robo-surgeons are the future of medicine, while others maintain they're "all hype and no substance." But that's an argument that has a time and a place, both of which should be well out of auditory system range of any sensitive, knife-wielding automatons with an extensive knowledge of human anatomy.

2 1 3
Intuitive Surgical

"Hernia repair protocols overridden *beep* initiate genital knotting."

These robots in reality aren't anywhere close to being self-aware, and are actually controlled via a remote console by a human physician, who may or may not have a giant, pulsating cranium filled with dark thoughts of world domination. This is likely due to how the slicing and/or dicing of living flesh generally requires at least marginal oversight for insurance reasons, and there is currently no legal precedent for suing robots. Here's a Da Vinci bot in action, performing delicate surgery on a grape like it isn't the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen:

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Edward Hospital

It's like a Saw movie for testicles.

You'll be either pleased or terrified to learn that these things are selling like hotcakes and are being used increasingly in hospitals everywhere (despite that small matter of product recalls due to insufficient testing). Either way, should you ever find yourself in dire need of some immediate scalpel work (and aren't too choosy about bedside manner), you'll surely be more than happy to submit to the cold precision of a mechanical physician. Especially since robots are programmed to almost never never call in random nurses from the hall to laugh at your junk while you're under the effects of anesthesia.

Max Aguilera-Hellweg/Popular Mechanics

"*beep* It looks like a frightened turtle. Initiate derisive laughter algorithm."

The VeinViewer

Hey, have you ever wanted to be able to see your veins exude a translucent glow the color of the Incredible Hulk's diarrhea?

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?

He just can't stay away from those sugarless gummy bears.

What you're looking at there is a new device called the VeinViewer, which uses infrared illuminating technology to let doctors (and those with a very specific and terrible fetish) take a gander at the inner workings of your circulatory gooiness without all the fuss of a Ramsay Bolton-style flaying.

your creduo. Jee ane in


"You may feel a slight sensation similar to the pain of 10,000 burning suns. Ha ha no, not really. We like to have fun here."

The device, created by Memphis-based Christie Medical Holdings, gives you a front-row seat to your own pumping vasculature. It works by emitting a light that's absorbed by blood, reflected by surrounding tissue, and then digitally displayed in real time for maximum needle-stabbing accuracy. But who cares about all that crap -- what's important is it looks radical. And besides, now we all can finally experience the queasiness of watching a needle go into our bodies, with the added feature of seeing it plunge straight into a Tron version of our circulatory system.

"Side effects during use include: faintly hearing Daft Punk in your head."

Tentacle Prosthetics

Should you have the misfortune to lose a limb and require a prosthetic, it can be aggravating when insensitive strangers gawk at the very device that's supposed to make you feel normal again. Also, you've lost an appendage, so why limit yourself to the standards of human anatomy? Why not just go all-in and get a goddamned squid arm?

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Kaylene Kau

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Kaylene Kau

For a little extra, you can get the ones that fall off and wriggle to distract pursuers.

Proposed as an alternative to the more traditional variety of artificial limbs, the tentacle prosthetic was designed by industrial design student Kaylene Kau of the U.K. Because not everyone can afford a state of the art cyborg appendage cooked up by DARPA, the goal of Kau's device was to be simple and affordable, while still being capable of restoring many of the lost abilities brought about by a missing arm, and to look fucking awesome in the process.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Kaylene Kau

Alternatively, can one of these be mounted on your spine so you can hang from trees like a monkey?

The mechanisms that make it work are simple right now, with just a small motor and a couple cables controlled by one switch to curl, and another to release. This is just fine for the purpose it serves, which is not to be a full-blown prehensile limb, but rather an "assistive appendage" for the good arm. However, if you are anything like us, you are already Googling ways to attach several of these things to your back and rule your corner of the office with an iron fist.

Electroencephalography Helmets

Electroencephalography (EEG) monitoring devices have been around for years, and are used to measure the spikes and blips in the brain's electrical activity. Normally used for diagnosing epilepsy, sleep disorders, and a number of other neurological ailments, the devices usually involve a wiry array of scalp-mounted electrodes of the sort that you've seen in various movies that want to convey a combination of "future!" and "scary!"

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Pioneer Productions

Sometimes it's more one than the other.

But recently people have adapted the technology so that you can use brainwaves to do all sorts of things outside the medical arena, like manipulating electronic devices, controlling robots, and bending cockroaches to your will. EEG technology can also be used to manipulate (very expensive) prosthetic limbs, so you could conceivably combine one of these brain helmets with the tentacle arms we talked about earlier and guarantee that no one on the planet ever so much as farts in your presence ever again.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?

Or you may just be a host in Westworld

The belief is that one day we'll eventually be able to use EEG equipment to do things like drive cars, and even take away the undue hardship of actually having to use your fingers to play Jelly Splash on a mobile device.

Irene Vigueguix

The helmet will presumably be programmed to contact paramedics after you get t-boned trying to do both.

So far the commercially available technology is still mostly in the gimmick stage -- it can only really do very basic things (like send a video game a very limited set of commands), and really only works if you shave your head completely bald. That hasn't stopped them from becoming somewhat trendy, though. Right now there's a veritable shitload of EEG headsets on the market, and they're rapidly becoming more affordable. Plus, anyone with a 3D printer can get creative and crank out their own version of a brain-eating cybernetic tarantula.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?

As you can see, they administer a healthy dose of endorphins before initiating the egg laying procedure.

The options range from the vaguely insectoid versions like the one above, to the fashionably Borg-like, to something Lobot might wear to a job interview. And did we say they're getting cheap? Well, not all of them are. This snappy little number will set you back $24,500 for the privilege of looking like a contestant in the Rollerball arena.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Stens Corporation

As Google Glasses and Virtual Boy proved, people love putting goofy shit on their heads.

So will the day come when everyone is wearing brain-tickling neuro-hats, or is this just a passing fad that's generating undue excitement? Only time will tell, but you can goddamn sure buy one for your pet in the meantime.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
No More Woof

You can hear such thoughts as: "Am I the good boy?," "Food," and "Am I the good boy?"

Light Therapy Masks

Should you be among the multitude of unfortunates who've been stricken with the tragic curse of pimples, technology has finally come up with an alternative to the pads, ointments, tweezer excavations, and whatnot -- a light therapy mask, which in no way makes you look like a serial killer from the distant future.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
Hot and Flashy

Or maybe you just really need to arc-weld some stuff from your tanning bed.

Light therapy masks have actually been around for awhile, and the concept of phototherapy has long been used not just for the treatment of acne vulgaris, but also neonatal jaundice, eczema, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. And best of all, you don't need a prescription because the FDA thus far hasn't placed any regulations on sunlight. You can totally buy crazy shit like this at the local drug store, to wage an assault on both acne and the mental stability of your pets:

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?

"If you think it looks stupid now, just wait till you try it on!"

But of course you don't have to rely on a trusted brand. There are all sorts of affordable and creative opportunities for to spend your money like you're planning to rob a dystopian credit union. And you know it must work, because hideously crater-faced celebrities swear by them!

Jessica Alba/Instagram

"This mask can make even Jessica Alba beautiful?! I'll buy six!"

But does it really work? The folks at Teen Vogue seem to think so, and it's apparently a legitimate treatment that can work wonders in alleviating the shame of tiny facial pustule insurgencies. The basic principle, according to dermatologist Brian Zelickson, is that "blue light excites chemicals within acne-causing bacteria to the point of death." So yeah -- it's a death shroud, for pimples.

Uhh, Modern Medicine ... You OK?
DH Gate

Which is fitting, because "death" is absolutely one of the words that comes to mind.

The masks you can pick up at the neighborhood pharmacy/First Order Quartermaster aren't quite as powerful as the LED lights used by dermatologists, but the at-home technology has gotten to the point where it's at least close to what you'd receive at a doctor's office, and may actually be more effective since you don't have to take your hideous face out in public to visit a clinic. Plus, there are few better ways to terrorize unsuspecting delivery drivers than by greeting them at the door with this fucking thing strapped to your head.

The Domestic Diva

"Oh, you want a tip? Here's your tip -- flee. Flee this place."

E. Reid Ross is the author of Nature is the Worst: 500 reasons you'll never want to go outside again, which is in stores now and available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

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