And believe it or not, that may not even be the most nightmare-inducing way to tackle the cliffs of China ...

The question you're probably asking yourself right about now -- as the villagers no doubt do for the entirety of their time spent dangling precariously above a canyon -- is "What if it breaks?" Well, the answer is that it doesn't, and that's all thanks to the hard work and incredible trouser cherries of this man:

Quirky China News/Rex
"Ladies."

That's Zhang Xinjian. He's kept the cable car painstakingly maintained (a term which here means "dangling from a rusty platform to oil the cable every day without benefit of anything remotely resembling safety equipment") since the day it opened, mainly because he's the only one left who knows how. Job security can be a wonderful thing.

We mean, not in this case. But it can be.

As you've probably already deduced from the fact that every-damn-body there owns a damn airplane, Spruce Creek isn't exactly an impoverished town -- the community consists almost entirely of upper-middle-aged white people rich enough to, you know, own their own damn airplanes.

This is perhaps best illustrated by spotlighting one of the town's former residents: none other than Operating Thetan and talking baby movie star John Travolta. We say "former" because his neighbors formed up a pitchfork brigade and forced the man out due to his insistence on landing his Boeing 707 jet airliner on an airstrip designed for small enthusiast planes.

Spruce Creek Fly In Realty
"How about the rest of you get on my level?"

Looks like a normal bridge, right? Let's zoom in a little and note the tiny, tiny trees below:

via weather.com
A jumper would have a good 11 seconds to reconsider before the splat.

Now here's a pic of some dudes working on one of the piles:

via Bridges Unlimited
Is that guy on the right holding a selfie stick?

Yeah, each one is about as tall as the Eiffel Tower. Here's one of those under construction:

via The Builder Blog
Romantic couples come here too, but they leave screaming.

Starting to get an idea?

Foster + Partners
This is how Lando Calrissian got home every day

When engineers were faced with completing the puzzle that was the A75 autoroute (the highway connecting Paris to the Mediterranean), they decided to go all-out and build the biggest goddamned cable-stayed bridge in the world. If you were to stand atop its highest pylon, you'd be looking down into the valley from a height of about 900 feet. The road surface itself is three times higher than the full height of the Brooklyn Bridge.

But don't worry, we're sure none of that will pass through your mind as you race across the bridge with only a guardrail (made of mostly clear plastic) protecting you from plummeting down from skyscraper height. Here's a clip of some dudes getting a nice clear look for you:

David Laffargue
They had already driven two cities away by the time their pee hit the ground.

Here, watch as a passenger rides throughout the entire loop, its hungry inner workings fully exposed to probing by unwary fingers:

Heritage Elevators
Nah, you needn't worry about fingers. Not for long, anyway.

If you think we're playing up the danger of these proto-elevators for comedic effect, don't. Construction of new paternosters has been banned in most sensible locales, largely due to incidents such as one in 2015, in which an elderly Danish man tripped and got his head utterly crushed as a group of helpless witnesses looked on in horror. Because the paternoster stops for no man. The paternoster is eternal. The paternoster will break you, and feel nothing.

None of it did a bit of good, probably because people still need to get to their jobs, regardless of what petty consequences they're threatened with. But you know what they always say: When all else fails, crush a motherfucker's skull with a ball of concrete.

BBC
It's an Indonesian idiom, apparently.

In a last-ditch effort to discourage train surfing, authorities dangled rows of grapefruit-sized concrete balls above train stations and rail crossings, thereby ensuring that only the most insane / most well-armored of train surfers will still attempt an illegal commute. Which they undoubtedly will, because, as one local shopkeeper put it, "We like it up there, it's windy, really nice." When you think about it, it's no different from riding down the highway in a convertible, when you put it that way -- if, as you drove said convertible, the heavens occasionally launched a bowling ball straight at your braincase.

Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.

On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.

Get your tickets here:

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