4

Gold Digging Is So Common You Can Go To School For It

In the U.S. the closest thing we have to a professor on gold digging is Kanye West, and his tenure is shaky at best. Russia, meanwhile, is home to dozens of "academies" where young women cough up a thousand bucks a week to learn the intricate art of landing themselves a rich man.

lifeacademyru/Instagram
A grand a week? You need a sugar daddy just to be able to afford sugar daddy school.

Larisa Renar, an MBA and psychology degree holder, as well as founder of the Private Life Academy, puts it best, "Business theory teaches us one important lesson: Always thoroughly research the desires of the consumer. Apply this principle when you search for a rich man. On a first, date there's one key rule: Never talk about yourself. Listen to him. Find him fascinating. Find out his desires. Study his hobbies; then change yourself accordingly."

Other valuable lessons her self-reported 135,000 graduates learned: Show up on a first date in a beat-up car, wearing no jewelry (to make your "sponsor" assume you're desperately poor), tighten your vaginal muscles to make your pupils dilate (Anime Face 101), agree with every single thing he says, and constantly slouch to make him feel taller.

lifeacademyru/Instagram
"Don't worry, he can afford your future chiropractic bills."

3

Dash Cams Are A Well Of Pure Insanity

Russian roads are a deadly cocktail, equal parts vodka and Mad Max served up with a generous dash of prayer in a glass that shatters in your face. Every commute comes with the possibility of corrupt police officers looking for a payoff, shady pedestrians looking for scam lawsuits, or a runaway motherfucking tank looking to flatten you.

via collegehumor.com
Tanks always have the right of way.

But Russian citizens have discovered a solution to the problem: dash cams. When every driver's actions are captured on video by every other driver, the net result is not only an unending deluge of YouTube fodder but insurance against most of the roving felonies looking to run into you. Emphasis on "most."

Szekely Barna Attila
Remember: Always keep your helmet on when wielding your motorcycle ax. Safety first.

Even with every move being recorded, Russian roadways are still madness. In 2015, sales of baseball bats in Russia skyrocketed, with half a million sold. Compare that to the number of baseballs sold that year (precisely one), and add in the fact that said bats are available in auto parts stores -- alongside brake pads, headlight bulbs, and goddamned axes -- and it's clear that sports aren't on the consumers' minds.

In fact, collective dash cam footage is so bizarre that budding filmmaker Dmitry Kalashnikov pieced together a full feature film, aptly titled The Road Movie, and premiered it at Moscow's 2016 Artdocfest documentary festival.

2

Russian Youths Have Taken The Selfie To Dizzying Heights

While Australia may claim the invention of the selfie, Russia has arguably taken it to a whole new level.

 Ivan Kuznetsov
Selfie-Man, Selfie-Man, does whatever no sane man can

"Roofers" are a subculture based entirely around scaling Russian skyscrapers. At first, just the seven Stalin Sisters (vast buildings erected between 1947 and 1953 ... whose gothic modernist architecture was inspired by Manhattan skyscrapers that Soviet engineers had seen decades earlier) and then other absurd heights in order to take dramatic selfies.

Angelina Nikolau 
And to laugh in God's face.

Professional roofers Vadim Makhorov and Vitaliy Raskalov have made it to the top of the Shanghai Tower, the Cologne Cathedral, the Great Pyramid of Giza, and South Korea's tallest skyscraper, the Lotte World Tower. Hell, they even trekked to Rio de Janeiro and stood upon the cranium of Christ.

1

Modern Russia May All Be Manipulated By A Genre Author

There's a reason why modern Russia's reality is so much stranger than our fiction. His name is Vladislav Surkov.

Kremlin.ru
He is 30 percent more Russian than the nearest competitor.

Sort of the Littlefinger of Russia, Surkov is called the Kremlin's "grey cardinal" and he operates Russia's political scene like an octopus puppeteer. In part, he oversees Russia's TV stations, where he is the self-proclaimed "author of the new Russian system." Dictating who should be attacked, who should be defended, the precise language that should be used to do so, and (of course) how to portray Putin's pecs in the best possible light. He's also funded and/or created numerous NGOs and organizations, from pro-Western to highly conservative, all with the aim of co-opting resistance to the regime and seeding widespread confusion.

Another of his notable inventions is the Nashi, a movement often compared to the Hitler Youth, who publicly burned "unpatriotic" works on Red Square. Ironically, a novel Surkov has all but admitted to writing might have wound up on that bonfire. Almost Zero, labeled "gangster fiction," was ostensibly written by Nathan Dubovitsky (Surkov's wife's name is Natalya Dubovitskaya), and follows a masterful PR man as he manipulates a crooked regional governor into greater and greater power. Other works by "Dubovitsky" include the short story "Without Sky," set in a dystopic future in which the entire planet is embroiled in World War Five. Less than a week after the story's publication Russia annexed Crimea.

Media-gruppa Zhivi
If only they'd scheduled that bonfire a wee bit sooner.

It may all simply be a paranoid conspiracy theory, but the key players in the Crimean Crisis -- the Night Wolves, the Cossacks, and the puppet politicians -- were all pawns pushed into play by Surkov. Perhaps that's why Surkov was one of the few Russian senior officials slapped with sanctions banning them from the United States and the European Union after the conflict.

To which he replied, "It's a big honor for me. The only things that interest me in the U.S. are Tupac Shakur, Allen Ginsberg, and Jackson Pollock."

Wow. Sure, he's a terrifying political puppetmaster potentially responsible for untold human misery, but uh ... it kind of sounds like he could hang.

For more bizarre stuff about Russia, read 5 Unintentionally Hilarious Soviet Versions Of Good Ideas and 5 Shady Things The USSR Did That You Can't Even Exaggerate.

And be sure to check out 9 Types Of Coworkers To Make You Want Your Head To Explode, and let us know about other headsplosion-worthy employees we may have missed.

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These men -- these hallowed leaders of the free world -- want to kick your ass. And only Daniel O'Brien can help, with How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country!