4

People Crash The Oscars All. The. Time.

The Academy Awards, the single biggest gathering of the world's most attractive people and Quentin Tarantino, is bound to attract a lot of attention. This is also why it is the single most protected event in all of Hollywood, if not America. Consequently, sneaking into the Oscars seems like it would require Danny Ocean and some Mission: Impossible techno-magic masks. But the truth is most of the people who conned their way onto the red carpet sort of showed up and pretended they belonged there.

Kevin Winter/Getty Images
That would explain some things ...

3

Hospital Records Are Incredibly Easy To Steal

We've all had embarrassing medical events, whether it be an unfortunate chlamydia scare or having the hat of a garden gnome removed from an unnamed body cavity. Luckily, our dignity is left intact by the nigh-unbreakable bond of doctor-patient confidentiality. So naturally, with the promise of medical secrecy, you'd think that our records must be under equally heavy lock and key. But you'd be wrong.

Ridofranz/iStock
"Look, if you just tell me how it got stuck there, I swear no one will ever know."

2

The Army Is Regularly Infiltrated By Active Gang Members And White Supremacists, And Military Bases Get Their Stuff Stolen Constantly

We tend to think of the Army as a place of discipline -- America's frontline defense made up of the nation's finest. Part of the recruitment process requires you to pass a criminal background check, for obvious reasons. Nobody wants a convicted arsonist watching their backs in the middle of a firefight. However, as of 2011, gang members affiliated with 53 different gangs had been able to sign up.

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Seen here throwing the sign of the Western Capitalists.

While most of these people treat their military careers seriously and respectfully, some use the experience to expand the reach of their gang, using their frequent traveling stints as a means to smuggle guns and drugs. Many of these soldiers later take their highly specific weapons training to the streets, using their skills against police officers and teaching their fellow gang members how to fight like America's best. Some of the smarter gangs even recommend that recruits who haven't done any prison time go join the army for the weapons and combat experience, sort of like vocational training for street crime.

zabelin/iStock
After all, if you can handle this, you can probably handle the South Side.

White supremacist groups have also been getting in on the action, using their training to take to the streets with guns and camouflage after the murder of Trayvon Martin in an attempt to discourage the "retaliations" they were sure would happen. They also sent ex-Army members dressed like soldiers to patrol the Mexican border, because if you're going to impersonate a soldier, you might as well be racist while doing it.

Meanwhile, military bases are so bad at keeping track of their stuff that any random joe could potentially swipe a full stash of devastating weaponry. Weapon thievery is such an issue that the military has had to contend with missing pistols, rifles, shotguns, and even freaking tanks. In 1995, a deranged man named Shawn Nelson commandeered a tank and rampaged through town, running down utility poles and cars before ultimately being shot by a terrified and confused police force. The army was planning to send someone after Nelson, but they couldn't seem to remember where they'd parked their other tanks.

3D_generator/iStock
"We thought the 'Property of U.S. Army -- Do Not Steal' sign was enough."

1

You Can Walk A Bomb Right Into Federal Buildings In America

So hospitals and the military are not safe. Neither is Hollywood or your very own home. Surely there must be some place that stands alone as the last bastion of privacy and security. Federal buildings, perhaps? If any places remain protected, those would have to be it, right?

tupungato/iStock
Right?

Turns out, not so much. In 2009, a Government Accountability Office (GAO) sting revealed how incredibly easy it was to smuggle homemade bombs past a protective service that provides security for 9,000 federal buildings. Most depressingly, it often wasn't a case of outdated technology or even clever criminal tactics, but rather good old-fashioned worker incompetence. In many instances, the smugglers simply walked right into the building with the necessary supplies to build an entire goddamn bomb because security personnel weren't paying attention to their x-ray screens.

Christopher Furlong/Getty Images
"Look, we have time for bombs or dongs, not both."

Unfortunately, these sobering results didn't do much to inspire tighter security protocols. Two years later, a bomb was carried into a federal building by an on-duty security guard, who discovered a suspicious package outside and brought it in to the lost and found. The bomb sat there next to forgotten umbrellas and sunglasses for three fucking weeks before someone decided to x-ray the abandoned package. The guard was understandably suspended and the building's security was retrained in the art of observation. Hopefully, they now possess the necessary skills to call an adult no more than a week after the next attempted bombing of a federal building.

Also check out 5 Real Robberies With Better Twists Than Any Heist Movie and 5 Things Movies Get Wrong About Bank Heists (From A Guard).

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One of our most popular episodes from 2016 was when we invited Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark from 'My Favorite Murder' to talk about some of the best true-crime stories out there. So successful, in fact, that we're resurrecting it (get it?) for a part two! Metal Fang, the Strangling Executioner and the murderer living in the attic just weren't enough. So Jack O'Brien, Dan O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Karen and Georgia back for another creepy hour of serial killers and urban legends that are bound to make you terrified to go outside or talk to a stranger or do anything.

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