The 6 Most Horrifying Abilities Animals Are Evolving

The amiably-named sociable weaver is so titled because it builds communal nests which remain inhabited for countless tiny birdie generations. They can reach truly ridiculous proportions.

Mike Peel / Wiki Commons
As you're about to find out, there's a very good reason they look exactly like mushroom clouds.

These avian luxury condos are awe-inspiring natural spectacles, to be sure -- the only problem is that they love to build them atop telephone poles, thus turning their enormous dried-twig mansions into communication firebombs.

Cardboard Box Travel Shop
It's the most destructive birdhouse since the Penguin's latest hideout.

If the poles don't snap from the added weight, they'll either short-circuit from the massive influx of bird shit (strangely, most telephone companies don't factor "sudden biblical rivers of crap" into their infrastructure) or else burst into flame.

Rainer von Brandis / iStock
On the bright side, "the birds ate some bad worms and caught the splatters" is now a legit excuse for why you lost a call.

This could be mocked as a First-World problem -- "Oh, the precious birdie's nests are mucking up the signal on that landline that you don't have?" -- if it took place in the First World. Africa needs that communication infrastructure badly. It's like the birds are targeting our most vulnerable communities first, testing humanity to see how we'll respond. If we don't strike now, and hard, our beloved cell towers will be next. You need those to play internet on the bus!

Over the past few years, roving packs of Capuchin monkeys have descended from the hills and into the Brazilian capital of Rio de Janeiro in search of food. Stow your pity. Pack away your mercy. Wrap your empathy in tissue paper and put it in ... the ... crawlspace? Whatever. These cute little bastards aren't content to rummage through your garbage like raccoons; they're ransacking residents' homes. It's exactly what we've warned you about all these many years: primate home invasion.

Sam Effron / Flickr
They remember the organ grinders and stupid hats. This is their revenge.

The monkeys have little regard for personal property rights, and even less for the emotional distress of their victims. They tear through the food stores, defecate on the doilies, smash the good china -- they're bastards, is what we're getting at here.

Oh, you're laughing? You're not taking this seriously?

This little hooligan broke into a downtown bar, got roaring drunk on rum, armed himself with a goddamned kitchen knife, and forced a standoff with police. Don't question the monkey insurrection -- there's video.

Jozivan Antero / YouTube
And yet, he still wasn't the most primitive asshole in Rio this year.

Planet Of The Apes isn't merely imminent; it's already started. We're well into the first act, and you just wandered out of the bathroom asking everybody "Did I miss anything important?" Get serious, goddammit.

That's a type of toadfish called a plainfin midshipman (Porichthys notatus), and the sound is caused by their disgusting moans of lust. Yes, really. Their breeding caterwaul has been compared to a didgeridoo, and when they get together in large groups close to the shore, the drone can resonate through the metal hulls of ships, using them like a subwoofer.

This exact situation has been happening in Sausalito, California for years now, and while it's a tragic hardship for the poor yachtsman, the less-responsible citizens have embraced the audio warfare. They even have a Humming Toadfish Marching Kazoo Band which performs during Fourth of July parades.

Sausalito Floating Homes Association
People freeing themselves from their mortal shackles way before their time isn't the kind of freedom you're supposed to celebrate.

When Mother Nature begins her inevitable full-on coastal assault, the frivolous Sausalitians will be the first to die. The streets will fill with their blood, and when the drains finally scab over, when the accumulated filth of their own hubris foams up about their waists, and the Humming Toadfish Marching Kazoo Band looks up and shouts, "Save us!" ... we'll whisper, "No."

Oh sure, experienced park rangers and biologists and basically anybody with rudimentary reasoning skills says that the snakes are losing their rattles because they've become an evolutionary disadvantage. "The same adaptation that evolved to scare away predators wound up making them an easy target for humans doing pest control," the naysayers ... say. Presumably followed by "nay."

But we know the truth. Nature is officially going on the record here, stating in no uncertain terms: "There will be no more warnings. The war is coming." And we are not listening!

Huntsman spiders -- which you may recognize as the world's most terrifyingly gigantic fucking spiders -- have begun their official war-march on civilization. Already, Australians are running straight off the road thanks to surprise Huntsman ambushes while driving.

"Easily countered," you say. "I'll simply don a biohazard suit, grab my flamethrower, and thoroughly inspect the interior of my car before ever setting off anywhere." You think you're so smart. Then, right when you're feeling safe, you flick the headlights on and see the gargantuan, scrambling shadow of this:

damonline / Reddit
Pictured: Your headlight. Not pictured: You, dead of a horror-stroke in the driver's seat.

We don't have any hard statistics as to exactly how many fatal accidents were the direct result of terrier-sized spiders skittering across the dashboard, but we estimate that, within an error range of .57, the number is "too goddamned many."

Megan Roberts / YouTube
Honestly, this guy alone is too goddamned many.

E. Reid Ross also writes about all sorts of animals at The Featured Creature, where he makes a more concerted attempt to disguise his visceral fear of all things that slither and creep.

Teachers: America's unsung heroes ... and secret drunks ... and all-around degenerates. To shed light on the dark side of this trusted profession, Cracked Podcast host Jack O'Brien, along with comedians and truTV's Those Who Can't cast members Maria Thayer (Abbey Logan) and Andrew Orvedahl (Coach Fairbell), will interview some real-life (probably anonymous) teachers, who will share all the filthy, outrageous, and hilarious tales from this supposedly squeaky-clean occupation. Get FREE tickets to this LIVE podcast here!

For ways Mother Nature is gearing up for war, check out 5 True Stories Of Killer Animals Too Unrealistic For A Movie and 5 Animals That Look Like Cartoons (Until They Kill You).

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Last Halloween, the Cracked Podcast creeped you out with tales of ghost ships, mysteriously dead people, and a man from one of the most famous paintings in U.S. history who years later went all Jack Nicholson in> The Shining on his family. This October, Jack and the Cracked staff are back with special guest comedians Ryan Singer, Eric Lampaert, and Anna Seregina to share more unsettling and unexplained true tales of death, disappearance, and the great beyond. Get your tickets for this LIVE podcast here!