Brilliant Glitches That (Accidentally) Satirize Video Games
Making video games is a lot like making sex toys. You can construct them carefully, account for every type of user, and include very clear instructions, and something is still likely to go violently, hilariously wrong. But like a doctor having to invent a whole new procedure to get a Pokemon-shaped vibrator out of your butt, sometimes these mistakes end up being the best part of the whole experience. It's time, once again, to take a look at glitches that turned otherwise-serious video games into comedy gold.
The Witcher 3: Terrifying Head Sex
Witcher 3 really broke new ground in the field of video game sex scenes. If a character has a hole, Geralt is four quests away from a softcore scene in which he violates it. Unfortunately, thanks to a glitch, not all of these love scenes are erotic. Some are sheer horror. For instance, one bug caused Geralt to lose his entire body:
"Relax, I've lived through worse. Now stuff me up your dress and let's get this party started."
At the risk of inventing a very specific fetish, let's take a look at Geralt's bodyless sex scene. It begins with the woman hurrying toward the bed as Geralt's severed head hovers behind her, almost hungrily. Even when he's nothing but a skull and a few inches of neck, it's hard to ignore his raw magnetism.
Next, there is the surprise appearance of Geralt's motionless body. His head sees an opportunity, and knowing he may never get a chance like this again, it flies through his torso and puts his nose up his own ass. So if you're a pervert who found this article by doing a Bing search on "ghost head butt sniffing," here is the jackpot you never thought you'd hit:
*sniff sniff* "Ha! I knew it! It's beautiful!"
It's already pretty weird, but once the actual sex begins, all hell breaks loose. Geralt and his lover's bodies become one, and not in a poetic way. Her body morphs into his to create a four-armed chimera wearing two pairs of underpants simultaneously. Her head then detaches itself from her body, and somehow more terrifyingly, from her hair. The fleshy wad of mostly face floats off to the side of the bed, an unnecessary component of the transcendent sexual merging that's happening. Their love has no need for faces -- their erogenous zones are occupying the same puddle of matter, like one of Timecop's enemies as they become a time puddle. Have any two souls known passion such as this!?
"You ... you rocked my world, Geralt."
There are really no words beautiful enough to describe what happens next. We are truly blessed to live in a world where computer errors are capable of shooting a character's own head out of his dick for no reason.
Layers Of Fear's Slapstick Ghost Toddlers
Layers Of Fear was a breakout indie horror hit in early 2016. High Def Digest said it was a "gem," Escapist described it as a "magnum opus," and Kotaku really went out on a limb by calling it "great." If you're not a fan of wordy, descriptive game reviews, notable social critics like PewDiePie and Markiplier shrieked at it a lot on YouTube.
In case you missed it, you play a 19th-Century painter wallowing in an alcoholic stupor after your wife is disfigured in a fire. You know, classic video game wish fulfillment. Layers Of Fear did its best to immerse the player with realistic graphics and psychologically disturbing gameplay techniques, like having the background change drastically as soon as you look away. The game made it so you couldn't even trust the goddamn walls and doors ...
"Oh, this door leads nowhere. I'll try one of the other ... shit."
Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you like being amused), the surreal horror slips on a banana peel and drops a stack of pies on itself. About halfway into the game, a ghost toddler starts darting across your path. That's not the unscary part -- on the creepiness scale, sprinting ghost babies are somewhere between your reflection grabbing for you and a clown putting clown paint on a spider. So when you first see one, you'll hate it. To make matters worse, if you work up the nerve to follow the awful thing, it leads you into a repeating loop of never-ending hallways. The message is clear: Fuck ghost babies.
"What's your unfinished business on our plane, ghost baby!? Solving the mystery of peekaboo? Pudding?"
The game is really counting on you to follow the giggling monstrosity. Because if you don't (which honestly seems very sensible), the demon toddler runs smack into a dollhouse and eats shit.
Just eats SO MUCH shit.
Honestly, watching a ghost baby smash its own face so hard that it vibrates out of the material plane is still scary. But it's silly scary, like when you realize the puppet counting everything on Sesame Street almost certainly drinks the blood of the other puppets.
Strangely enough, this isn't the only baby you'll find banging its head against furniture in this game. In one part, you're stuck in a room with only a flashlight when you hear a banging noise. The banging gets louder and louder... is it a beast approaching? Zombies breaking down the door? It ... it couldn't merely be a really frustrated baby doll, could it?
"Wha-- where am I!? Oh. I think I'm in a shitty Metallica video."
The Wolf Among Us Turns The Main Character Into An Exotic Dancer
The Wolf Among Us is a Telltale game based on the Fables comic book series. It's about fairy tale characters living in the modern world. It's basically like the show Once Upon A Time, only it came out a decade earlier and doesn't suck. Like other Telltale titles, this is an interactive story wherein most of the gameplay is deciding which conversations you will have. Each character remembers how kind or dickish you are, and how they feel about you may end up helping or hurting you later.
In a dialog-heavy game like this, things can get a bit dry. But things get a lot more wet in episode three, thanks to a sexy game glitch. Bigby (aka the Big Bad Wolf) is having a conversation with Snow White and Dr. Swineheart about his health. He assures them he's fine, though not with words. An animation bug gets him performing a sudden and inexplicable pole dance. It's a dance so erotic that he takes flight, as if God himself saw it and pulled him to Heaven pelvis-first.
Mmm. Get it, Bigby. GET AFTER IT.
Dr. Swineheart maintains his composure like a true professional in a situation where he should probably be running away, throwing money, or both. No one should be this prepared for such a burst of titillating levitation. Snow White certainly isn't. It's almost as if she knows this is a game, and that the laws within it are being as violated as Bigby's invisible pole. Take a look at her face -- she knows exactly what's happening here, and she has absolutely no idea how to handle it. Look at that guy go to work! Everything in that whole damn room is pregnant.
"Snow White will remember that."
Hitman: Crawling Corpses
The lead of Hitman is a cold-blooded assassin who will eliminate his targets by any means necessary. In fact, in Hitman 2, there were so many ways to kill people that the game itself couldn't handle it. For instance, when you're about to face the final boss, Sergei Zavorotko, you can sneak up and strangle him through a door with a garrote wire before he even makes his big speech. Unfortunately, he still makes the speech. He just happens to be a wiggling, crawling corpse while he does so.
"Come on, you pansy. It was just a broken neck!"
This strange behavior also occurs in Hitman: Blood Money. Here's an enemy who decided to keep chasing Agent 47 after he died. And it wasn't a case of his shirt getting caught on 47's shoe or something. The dead body is curious and energetic, sliding around opening doors and jumping in front of your path. It could be a desperate ghost plan to trip you up, but it almost seems to be happy about it. It's like a group of puppies got inside the corpse, and 47 smells like the perfect new best friend.
Here's a million-dollar idea: Attach a mop to that corpse.
Misbehaving corpses seems to be a constant problem for Agent 47, as if he's cursed to relive his murders as each of his enemies come back to life as skateboards. For instance, in the new 2016 Hitman, it isn't unheard of to move a body, only for it to skitter back to its original position. Even for a video game that has a button for dragging corpses, it's unnerving.
"Postmortem break dancing. I've seen this many times."
Floppy, Wobbling, Glitchy Boobs
Video game boobs have a proud tradition of being a bit off. For instance, the most famous breasts in video games, Lara Croft's, are supposedly gigantic because of a happy programming accident. Other developers focused specifically on breasts, creating "jiggle" physics systems to give boobs that waterbed-like wobble they're known for. The point is that game tits are generally designed by men who know a lot about physics, but not a lot about boobs.
For instance, In Street Fighter V, the female fighters' breasts jiggle within their own universe, one where inertia and gravity have only one rule: Shake those titties. They clack together and shimmy for minutes, maybe hours, after the rest of the woman has stopped moving. It's exactly like watching two Slinkies race down the stairs, but only if guys got a huge boner from watching Slinkies race. The publisher claimed this luscious jiggling was a "glitch," but I think we all know enough about boobs to see through that.
On the right is the fixed version. Note the lovingly rendered "programming error" on the left.
So now, Street Fighter V boobs are only sexily enormous, and not dangerous sources of subsonic vibrations. Other boob stories don't have such sweet endings. For example, in Mortal Kombat IX, Scarlet would sometimes bask motionless in the blood of her enemies. Well, almost motionless. Her tits loved it so much that they would start doing jumping jacks on their own.
"This scene of her covered in gore isn't sexy enough. Can you make her boobs jump up and high five?"
Aside from being massive and excitable, game boobs aren't easy to predict. Something about filling a sphere of polygons with the physics of a thousand angry oceans is inherently unpredictable. In Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, Quiet's breasts were the source of some of the game's craziest plot twists. Here's one no one could have seen coming:
It all happens so fast, but if you look closely, you'll see that one of her boobs goes for a daring escape by suddenly aging 60 years.
Her boobs got a double-D-minus in physics class.
Other players took the jiggling Metal Gear boobs to the next logical step by creating mods that caused them to never, ever stop wobbling. It seems more torturous than sexy -- like someone wished for sweet, bouncing breasts on an evil monkey's paw, and now her chest will wrestle with itself until the sweet release of death.
"The sports bra! It does nothing!!!"
Until this moment, we only talked about games with some overly generous boob motion algorithms. Phantasy Star Online 2's tit mechanics can't be broken -- their only state is broken. They flap and jump like all the evil in their universe is struggling to fight out of their bras. The women in that game are made almost entirely out of paddle boat. Just look at these things.
Can we borrow those? We need to shake up this can of paint.
Raoni patched the glitches ... of your heart. Follow him on Twitter. Adam Koski is the main author of Forust: A Tale Of Magic Gone Wrong. All of its vast hilarity is intentional, as far as he knows, but if it turns out there's some accidental hilarity in there, that's fine too.
For more amazing video game moments, check out 6 Hilarious Video Game Glitches You Have To See To Believe and 6 Accidentally Awesome Glitches In Famous Video Games.
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