We've talked about sex toys a few times over the years. Maybe a few too many times. So it's no surprise that we would be the first to realize that the entire sex toy industry is now completely run by aliens. This isn't exaggeration -- some of the toys we've recently seen have so little understanding of sexuality or basic anatomy that a secret alien invasion is somehow the most rational explanation for them. To prepare you for the coming war, we present ten of the most obviously alien-designed sex toys on the market today.

Note: There are some pictures here which are hilariously NSFW. We've blurred the blurable, but that still might not be enough to ensure you maintain your current level of employment, so tread carefully.

The Worm-Filled Dick Tube

Our first example comes from the realm of male masturbation aids. Now, you may think that the limits to what men can safely put their dicks inside were discovered long ago. Thankfully, we can assure you that those limits are flagrantly ignored, if they were understood at all, by the Noodle King (NSFW):

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Noodle King
Get used to that full-body shiver. More are coming.

Setting aside the mind-bending horror, there is admittedly a lot to like here. It looks about the right size, for one. It's basically the right color. And what guy wouldn't want to stick his penis inside something that sort of looked like a second, larger penis?

Oh that's right, a lot of them.

But let's get back to that mind-bending horror -- notably, the nightmare world of tiny Johnson-strangling tentacles hiding inside this King of the Long Fellows like the garden of poor unfortunate souls in Ursula's undersea lair. There's no earthly explanation for why anyone would make this thing. This is clearly the work of extraterrestrials with some pretty brazen assumptions about human anatomy and sexual needs.

Noodle King
"Is this what 'Mom's spaghetti' means?" -- aliens right now, probably

Pieces Of Anatomically-Challenged Humans

Sex toys are generally intended to replicate very particular bits of the human anatomy. You know the ones. But what if you wanted a toy which replicated a bit more? Not too much more, mind you. Something you can still fit in a suitcase. Something more like a bizarre, masturbatory half-person. Well, you're in luck. Let us introduce you to the Master Series Knees Up Nikki (NSFW).

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Master Series (NSFW)
Nice to meet you. No, don't get up.

Now, if you're a choosier sort of maniac, have no fear, because they absolutely offer a version where Nikki's knees are bent into an impossible position:

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Master Series (NSFW)

Now, if Nikki were the only malformed masturbation toy out there, we could consider it a one-off -- the result of nothing more than the work of one lonely soul with poor depth perception and a singular vision of a perfect woman. But Nikki isn't alone. You must have known that. Meet SexFlesh Kyle (NSFW).

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Blue Stone Traders (NSFW)
That blurred-out cannon isn't his leg.

It seems that whoever is creating these things isn't totally familiar with human anatomy, but is chillingly acquainted with the depths of Stygian insanity. For instance, behold the mute horror of the Jump Me Jerri Masturbator (NSFW).

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
SexFlesh (NSFW)
Behold it!

Those splayed-out boobs, the lopsided ass, and that full-on Exorcist head twist are clearly the work of an extraterrestrial serial killer.

A Swiss Army Knife Of Sex Parts

Hey, have you ever wanted to fuck a formless pile of body parts? Probably not! But some space monster was clearly studying a mistranslated anatomy textbook when he created this goddamned homunculus:

TSX Sex Toys (NSFW)
Check out that hot and sexy ... Wii nunchuck.

That is called the Concubine (NSFW), and it is a pixelated mess because there is no safe part of it to show. By attempting to combine breasts, a vagina, a penis, and a remote control in a single compact lump, it serves as a stark visual reminder that a jack of all trades is a master of none. It's the haunted platypus of sex toys. It's like an X-rated game of Katamari Damacy.

A Goddamn Brick

If you're in the market for something a little more elegant and subtle, perhaps you'd be interested in the Chokouha (NSFW). But, truth be told, you are probably not interested, because the Chokouha is a brick with a keyhole drilled into it:

6 1 (6d IN
Tama Toys(NSFW)
Get your rocks on.

This geometric hunk of fuck madness was designed with zero actual human beings in mind. The only reason to create such a device would be to control the population of a planet you intend to conquer by tricking them into grinding their genitals into useless, deflated balloons so they can father no children to oppose you.

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Tama Toys(NSFW)
You're literally trying to shove a round peg into a square hole.

Sex Furniture

Genital furniture is something that no one has been clamoring for. We've been declamoring for them, if anything. This is partially because such a device would look like a waking nightmare, and frankly would be too gauche to be an effective conversation piece. The Satyr does nothing to combat this image:

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Studio Cremaster / Bastiaan Buijs
Designed after the sexiest shape in nature: chewed Bubble Yum.

The Satyr is a giant silicon stool that vibrates, has a hole on one end, and is meant to be displayed in the home to "normalize ideas on sex" -- a goal it absolutely does not accomplish. Nothing about walking into a person's living room and spotting a four-legged grotesquerie makes you feel safe to discuss sex in a free and open matter.

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Studio Cremaster / Bastiaan Buijs
"Go ahead and soak it in while I finish my coffee."

Spiked Masturbation Gloves

We've talked about sex gloves before, but in the intervening months, something grim has happened to the production lines, which now churn out violent-looking contraptions (NSFW) built for dick war.

Shadow Trading (NSFW)
The safe word is "Call 911 now."

This is the kind of specialized apparel which adds +5 damage when fighting unarmored opponents. Sure, those are presumably soft spikes, meant more for tickling than wounding. But if your genitals had eyes, they would flee in terror from the unquestionable menace the sauna massage gloves project.

Shadow Trading (NSFW)
They had to draw their own model, because no living human would go anywhere near that thing.

The Autoblow 2+

An honest-to-God functioning blowjob machine is the kind of invention that could change the world. Unfortunately, we're still at the "exploding in the hangar before takeoff" phase.

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Autoblow 2 (NSFW)
"This ... this isn't so bad. I just never realized blowjobs were an eternal gauntlet of pain."

This is called the Autoblow 2+ (NSFW). It's crowdfunded, has gotten a lot of high-profile press, and is undoubtedly capable of ripping penises at a dazzling rate. Turning it on its side only solidifies our belief that this is a device into which you should never insert your genitals (indeed, there are few devices that pass this important criterion).

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Jeremy Glass / Thrillist (NSFW)
Soliciting sex in public bathrooms will no longer be the worst thing politicians can do with their dicks.

The Electric Condom Is Like Sticking Your Dick In A Light Socket

Never before have humans been given the opportunity to inject pure electrified regret directly into their dongles like the joy this electronic condom (NSFW) surely provides:

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Andrew Quitmeyer (NSFW)
Who could turn down the opportunity to electric slide into this?

Unfortunately called the "Electric Eel," this contraption uses electrical impulses to replace the sensations lost by wearing traditional condoms, because its makers are apparently under the impression that women have low-voltage currents passing through their hoohahs. If, for some reason, it doesn't look sanitary, that's because it isn't. It's a sock with wires in it. However, there is another version that utilizes a condom, which looks about as sexually appetizing as a dead gremlin.

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Andrew Quitmeyer (NSFW)
"Who wouldn't pay money for this?" -- an alien

This Dick-Grinding Space Technology

The RealTouch ostensibly acts as a virtual reality sex toy that creates sensations that correlate to whatever the user is watching on screen, but in reality, it is nothing less than the portal to a multi-dimensional Hellverse.

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Loz Blain / Gizmag
Where there are exactly two dimensions, because this will flatten your dong.

This was either constructed by an intergalactic zoologist who has catastrophically confused the Earth words for "sex" and "violent castration," or someone who could not stop masturbating to Stephen King's The Mangler. There is no other reason to create a portable fanged laundry press for your wiener.

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Loz Blain / Gizmag
Quite literally, it looks like a fucking trap.

The Implanter

Finally deciding to cast all pretense straight out their space windows, our future alien overlords constructed a masturbation aid that lays translucent eggs inside of your body when you use it. It's called an ovipositor (NSFW), because the aliens clearly just don't give a shit anymore.

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Primal Hardwere (NSFW)
And this one's for the ladies ...

There's no getting around it -- this is a tube that shoots slimy cosmic eggs into your vagina or rectum (or ear or eye socket -- really, anywhere you point the thing). This is designed to simulate one very specific nightmare, the end result of which is aliens populating the world with their hideous brood.

10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships
Primal Hardwere (NSFW)
At least a facehugger will kiss you first.

Carolyn is actually quite prudish on Twitter.

For more alien sex horror, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and Alien: A Film Franchise Based Entirely On Rape.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why the Most Terrifying Movie Alien Isn't Who You Think, and other videos you won't see on the site!

Also, follow us on Facebook, and we'll be your best friends forever.

Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter

Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!

Forgot Password?