10 Sex Toys That Are Perfect For Ending Relationships

8A Swiss Army Knife Of Sex Parts

Hey, have you ever wanted to fuck a formless pile of body parts? Probably not! But some space monster was clearly studying a mistranslated anatomy textbook when he created this goddamned homunculus:

7A Goddamn Brick

If you're in the market for something a little more elegant and subtle, perhaps you'd be interested in the Chokouha (NSFW). But, truth be told, you are probably not interested, because the Chokouha is a brick with a keyhole drilled into it:

This geometric hunk of fuck madness was designed with zero actual human beings in mind. The only reason to create such a device would be to control the population of a planet you intend to conquer by tricking them into grinding their genitals into useless, deflated balloons so they can father no children to oppose you.

6Sex Furniture

Genital furniture is something that no one has been clamoring for. We've been declamoring for them, if anything. This is partially because such a device would look like a waking nightmare, and frankly would be too gauche to be an effective conversation piece. The Satyr does nothing to combat this image:

The Satyr is a giant silicon stool that vibrates, has a hole on one end, and is meant to be displayed in the home to "normalize ideas on sex" -- a goal it absolutely does not accomplish. Nothing about walking into a person's living room and spotting a four-legged grotesquerie makes you feel safe to discuss sex in a free and open matter.

5Spiked Masturbation Gloves

We've talked about sex gloves before, but in the intervening months, something grim has happened to the production lines, which now churn out violent-looking contraptions (NSFW) built for dick war.

This is the kind of specialized apparel which adds +5 damage when fighting unarmored opponents. Sure, those are presumably soft spikes, meant more for tickling than wounding. But if your genitals had eyes, they would flee in terror from the unquestionable menace the sauna massage gloves project.

4The Autoblow 2+

An honest-to-God functioning blowjob machine is the kind of invention that could change the world. Unfortunately, we're still at the "exploding in the hangar before takeoff" phase.

This is called the Autoblow 2+ (NSFW). It's crowdfunded, has gotten a lot of high-profile press, and is undoubtedly capable of ripping penises at a dazzling rate. Turning it on its side only solidifies our belief that this is a device into which you should never insert your genitals (indeed, there are few devices that pass this important criterion).

3The Electric Condom Is Like Sticking Your Dick In A Light Socket

Never before have humans been given the opportunity to inject pure electrified regret directly into their dongles like the joy this electronic condom (NSFW) surely provides:

Unfortunately called the "Electric Eel," this contraption uses electrical impulses to replace the sensations lost by wearing traditional condoms, because its makers are apparently under the impression that women have low-voltage currents passing through their hoohahs. If, for some reason, it doesn't look sanitary, that's because it isn't. It's a sock with wires in it. However, there is another version that utilizes a condom, which looks about as sexually appetizing as a dead gremlin.

2This Dick-Grinding Space Technology

The RealTouch ostensibly acts as a virtual reality sex toy that creates sensations that correlate to whatever the user is watching on screen, but in reality, it is nothing less than the portal to a multi-dimensional Hellverse.

This was either constructed by an intergalactic zoologist who has catastrophically confused the Earth words for "sex" and "violent castration," or someone who could not stop masturbating to Stephen King's The Mangler. There is no other reason to create a portable fanged laundry press for your wiener.

1The Implanter

Finally deciding to cast all pretense straight out their space windows, our future alien overlords constructed a masturbation aid that lays translucent eggs inside of your body when you use it. It's called an ovipositor (NSFW), because the aliens clearly just don't give a shit anymore.

There's no getting around it -- this is a tube that shoots slimy cosmic eggs into your vagina or rectum (or ear or eye socket -- really, anywhere you point the thing). This is designed to simulate one very specific nightmare, the end result of which is aliens populating the world with their hideous brood.

Carolyn is actually quite prudish on Twitter.

For more alien sex horror, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and Alien: A Film Franchise Based Entirely On Rape.

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