We've talked about sex toys a few times over the years. Maybe a few too many times. So it's no surprise that we would be the first to realize that the entire sex toy industry is now completely run by aliens. This isn't exaggeration -- some of the toys we've recently seen have so little understanding of sexuality or basic anatomy that a secret alien invasion is somehow the most rational explanation for them. To prepare you for the coming war, we present ten of the most obviously alien-designed sex toys on the market today.
Note: There are some pictures here which are hilariously NSFW. We've blurred the blurable, but that still might not be enough to ensure you maintain your current level of employment, so tread carefully.
Our first example comes from the realm of male masturbation aids. Now, you may think that the limits to what men can safely put their dicks inside were discovered long ago. Thankfully, we can assure you that those limits are flagrantly ignored, if they were understood at all, by the Noodle King (NSFW):
Setting aside the mind-bending horror, there is admittedly a lot to like here. It looks about the right size, for one. It's basically the right color. And what guy wouldn't want to stick his penis inside something that sort of looked like a second, larger penis?
Oh that's right, a lot of them.
But let's get back to that mind-bending horror -- notably, the nightmare world of tiny Johnson-strangling tentacles hiding inside this King of the Long Fellows like the garden of poor unfortunate souls in Ursula's undersea lair. There's no earthly explanation for why anyone would make this thing. This is clearly the work of extraterrestrials with some pretty brazen assumptions about human anatomy and sexual needs.
Sex toys are generally intended to replicate very particular bits of the human anatomy. You know the ones. But what if you wanted a toy which replicated a bit more? Not too much more, mind you. Something you can still fit in a suitcase. Something more like a bizarre, masturbatory half-person. Well, you're in luck. Let us introduce you to the Master Series Knees Up Nikki (NSFW).
Now, if you're a choosier sort of maniac, have no fear, because they absolutely offer a version where Nikki's knees are bent into an impossible position:
Now, if Nikki were the only malformed masturbation toy out there, we could consider it a one-off -- the result of nothing more than the work of one lonely soul with poor depth perception and a singular vision of a perfect woman. But Nikki isn't alone. You must have known that. Meet SexFlesh Kyle (NSFW).
It seems that whoever is creating these things isn't totally familiar with human anatomy, but is chillingly acquainted with the depths of Stygian insanity. For instance, behold the mute horror of the Jump Me Jerri Masturbator (NSFW).
Those splayed-out boobs, the lopsided ass, and that full-on Exorcist head twist are clearly the work of an extraterrestrial serial killer.
Hey, have you ever wanted to fuck a formless pile of body parts? Probably not! But some space monster was clearly studying a mistranslated anatomy textbook when he created this goddamned homunculus:
That is called the Concubine (NSFW), and it is a pixelated mess because there is no safe part of it to show. By attempting to combine breasts, a vagina, a penis, and a remote control in a single compact lump, it serves as a stark visual reminder that a jack of all trades is a master of none. It's the haunted platypus of sex toys. It's like an X-rated game of Katamari Damacy.
This geometric hunk of fuck madness was designed with zero actual human beings in mind. The only reason to create such a device would be to control the population of a planet you intend to conquer by tricking them into grinding their genitals into useless, deflated balloons so they can father no children to oppose you.
Genital furniture is something that no one has been clamoring for. We've been declamoring for them, if anything. This is partially because such a device would look like a waking nightmare, and frankly would be too gauche to be an effective conversation piece. The Satyr does nothing to combat this image:
The Satyr is a giant silicon stool that vibrates, has a hole on one end, and is meant to be displayed in the home to "normalize ideas on sex" -- a goal it absolutely does not accomplish. Nothing about walking into a person's living room and spotting a four-legged grotesquerie makes you feel safe to discuss sex in a free and open matter.
This is the kind of specialized apparel which adds +5 damage when fighting unarmored opponents. Sure, those are presumably soft spikes, meant more for tickling than wounding. But if your genitals had eyes, they would flee in terror from the unquestionable menace the sauna massage gloves project.
An honest-to-God functioning blowjob machine is the kind of invention that could change the world. Unfortunately, we're still at the "exploding in the hangar before takeoff" phase.
This is called the Autoblow 2+ (NSFW). It's crowdfunded, has gotten a lot of high-profile press, and is undoubtedly capable of ripping penises at a dazzling rate. Turning it on its side only solidifies our belief that this is a device into which you should never insert your genitals (indeed, there are few devices that pass this important criterion).
If you're going to mess around with something that looks like that, you might as well stick your dick in a light socket.
Never before have humans been given the opportunity to inject pure electrified regret directly into their dongles like the joy this electronic condom (NSFW) surely provides:
Unfortunately called the "Electric Eel," this contraption uses electrical impulses to replace the sensations lost by wearing traditional condoms, because its makers are apparently under the impression that women have low-voltage currents passing through their hoohahs. If, for some reason, it doesn't look sanitary, that's because it isn't. It's a sock with wires in it. However, there is another version that utilizes a condom, which looks about as sexually appetizing as a dead gremlin.
The RealTouch ostensibly acts as a virtual reality sex toy that creates sensations that correlate to whatever the user is watching on screen, but in reality, it is nothing less than the portal to a multi-dimensional Hellverse.
This was either constructed by an intergalactic zoologist who has catastrophically confused the Earth words for "sex" and "violent castration," or someone who could not stop masturbating to Stephen King's The Mangler. There is no other reason to create a portable fanged laundry press for your wiener.
Finally deciding to cast all pretense straight out their space windows, our future alien overlords constructed a masturbation aid that lays translucent eggs inside of your body when you use it. It's called an ovipositor (NSFW), because the aliens clearly just don't give a shit anymore.
There's no getting around it -- this is a tube that shoots slimy cosmic eggs into your vagina or rectum (or ear or eye socket -- really, anywhere you point the thing). This is designed to simulate one very specific nightmare, the end result of which is aliens populating the world with their hideous brood.
Carolyn is actually quite prudish on Twitter.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why the Most Terrifying Movie Alien Isn't Who You Think, and other videos you won't see on the site!
Also, follow us on Facebook, and we'll be your best friends forever.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
Here are some recent
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.