10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week (3/5)

Everything was coming up zombies! Well, except for Venezuela. They have the scene set, but they're still waiting for the reanimated corpses to start shambling in. Herewith, the stuff you shared the hell out of last week.

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The survivors of The Walking Dead would leave a lot of troubles behind if they hauled ass from moist, temperate climates and hunkered down in Buffalo or Green Bay.

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"If someone tried to bite you right now, you would probably prevent them from doing so..."


How he found the time to do it -- between running the nation and getting shot -- we'll never know.

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"There are amazing facts about famous people that entire industries of publicity people try to keep you from knowing."


Living where The Walking Dead films, there are so many government types prowling around watching you that you'd think some kind of world-ending crisis really was going down.

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"Imagine dropping several hundred G's on a lavish home in a gorgeous, quiet suburb. You, sir or madame, have officially Made It. Then one day, you look out the window of your McMansion and its surrounded by a rusty piece of shit [a.k.a. the famed 'Wall of Alexandria']"


We knew there was a reason we always liked those Jesus fish.

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"According to some researchers, Christians adopted the vagina-fish symbol simply because of how common it was, but later looked for all sorts of non-vaginal justifications for it."


At least Trump's cuckoo policies have little chance of passing through Congress, right? NOPE. Turns out he doesn't need stupid Congress to fund his amazing wall or kick people out of the country! Most of the tools are already in the presidential toolbox.

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"The International Emergency Economic Powers Act gives the president the authority to declare that something or someone of international origin poses a significant threat to the safety or economy of the United States. After making that declaration, he's free to block transactions and seize assets associated with that threat [in this case, remittance payments he intends to fund his shiny new wall]"


"I must have my revenge!" is way more dramatic than "Give me back my jacket, you jerks!"

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"Look, we all know by this point that Hollywood takes some creative liberties when it comes to attempting to tell a "true" story. But then there are those films where it seems almost criminal to preface them with 'Based On A True Story.'"


You might think of self-harm as a teen-specific cry for help or attention. But it can become a heroin-level habit that shapes your life for decades.

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"And yes, there are withdrawal symptoms if you try to quit (another person with experience in self-harm I've spoken with describes tremors and headaches when they tried to stop). Endorphins function like heroin, so when you stop doing the thing that produces them, your body gets mad as hell and starts screaming for that metaphorical needle in your arm. It's been shown that treating victims of self-injury with endorphin-blockers magically makes them stop wanting to cut."


We like apocalypse fantasies because a part of us thinks it would be kind of fun -- life goes back to basics. However, we sat down with one citizen of Venezuela, where it's apocalyptic-basic as all Hell right now. And the reality isn't great.

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"It's reached the point where social media is used to discuss toilet paper strategy. 'We stock up every time we can, because we don't know when there's going to be a shortage again. The most common alternative is to shower right after going to the bathroom. The smallest denomination of money is used for toilet paper, because it's worthless.' We're fairly sure that wasn't a figure of speech."


You'll never see the ninja coming. One day the cleaning dude will stop at your desk to empty the waste basket, then - BLAM - defenestrated!

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"Thanks to Hollywood, we like to think we have a pretty good idea about what the past looked like. But it turns out, no of course we don't because Hollywood is as dumb as we are."


Hopefully you don't have to work this weekend.

"Numbers don't lie, which makes them even more infuriating when those numbers are delivering some not so great information."


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