The next day, the boys become golf caddies, and are promptly fired from a job in which 90 percent of the work is standing still and making up numbers. Right when you think it can't get any more ridiculous, Gilbert Gottfried shows up with a proposition.

NBCUniversal Television Distribution

Gilbert offers Zack a chance to be an escort. Rather than ask his single-and-oozing-sex-appeal best friend to take one for the team, Zack agrees to be a gigolo for whatever types of women are resorting to Gilbert Gottfried's help in their quest for love. He is set up with an attractive Russian woman -- who, again, Slater would have been perfectly happy to bump uglies with -- while Screech is set up with a large southern woman who gropes him and, per Wikipedia, tries to "tango him to death."

NBCUniversal Television Distribution

Naturally, Zack ends up with his Russian Jane and Kelly at the same restaurant at the same time, making him the sleaziest fiancee ever. Zack is forced to admit the truth to her, and instead of wrecking their relationship, as would happen in real life, it strengthens their bond as a couple. Zack's parents have a change of heart after Slater tells them that Jesus Christ, their son is hooking, and they pay for the wedding. Positive reinforcement at its finest.

Alright, this movie's gone on long enough, the credits should be here any second now. What in the ...

CBS Television Distribution

A surprise bad guy yells at Not-Theo and starts firing at Alex, while Chuck Norris has to come in to deliver some high-flying, theoretically nonlethal justice.

But alas ...

CBS Television Distribution

Okay ... well, there's no way they can end the movie here.

CBS Television Distribution

What in the name of Executive Producer Dick Wolf was that? Unfortunately for Walker fans, that's all she wrote. CBS had plans for movie sequels, but those got scrapped after Trial By Fire tanked so hard. All in all, this cliffhanger failed to deliver those gripping dramatic moments Walker: Texas Ranger is renowned for, such as that one episode where Chuck Norris had the most awkward car ride in human history with that kid from The Sixth Sense.

The bulk of the movie is spent in a flashback to olden days, where Jessica's ancestor is played by Lansbury herself. Naturally, it turns out that old-timey Jessica was one of those cool slave owners; she ultimately helped Rashad's great-grandfather escape to freedom while tracking down the real murderer, thus alleviating white people of guilt forever.

NBCUniversal Domestic Television Distribution

Why the writers felt the need to make Jessica play a slave owner is a mystery -- indeed, one of her best traits up to that point had been her lack of slave trading. It makes for the most awkward Angela Lansbury video since the one in which she masturbated at us.

But not all is well. Starlet Ginger (who is now played by a totally different actress) gets back into the movie business, but finds that the moral collapse of society has resulted in sex-laden movies, and she can't get work unless she's willing to go nude.

Warner Bros. Television Distribution

Things aren't much better for the Professor. The university's dean wants him to solicit donations, and every single female student wants to, uh, take an anatomy class with him. After 15 years of Mary Ann / Ginger threesomes (you know it, I know it, everybody knows it), he wants nothing more than to try to get a little science done.

Warner Bros. Television Distribution

Meanwhile, Mary Ann is set to marry her fiancee of 15 years, who was so desperately in love with her that he never dated another woman. Suddenly, Mary Ann decides on the altar that she isn't in love with him anymore, at which point he marries her friend Cindy without missing a beat.

Warner Bros. Television Distribution

The movie ends at Christmas, with the gang reuniting in Hawaii and going for a cruise on the Skipper's new boat. They're once again shipwrecked on the same goddamned island, nullifying any need for this movie to have existed.

Bobby gets paralyzed from the waist down in the very first episode, and from the look of it, he's sprinted through the five stages of grief and is already smiling. It only gets better! Mike, who is running for city council, is offered a bribe and then blackmailed for it. Comedy gold!

CBS Television Distribution

A few episodes later, hot sister Marcia struggles with depression and has a breakdown in the car (replete with laugh track!) before trying to self-medicate with alcohol and showing up at a dedication ceremony, where she drunkenly heckles her dad.

CBS Television Distribution

The next episode shows Marcia and her husband trying to start a catering service. Sounds like a tame plot, until Peter chokes on an appetizer and has to be given CPR.

CBS Television Distribution

The series only lasted six episodes, but somehow ended up with three separate theme songs, thereby scoring quite possibly the highest episode-to-theme-song ratio in television history.

When he's not writing Angela Lansbury erotica, Chris writes for his website and tweets.

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