Pregnancy Exercise Program, 1985
The American College of Obstetricians and GynecologistsAs you know, every workout video starts with a warning, but this one is almost more of an apology. An unidentified man in what has got to be a fake mustache comes on to make excuses for how easy all these exercises are going to be. This might require an explanation if these were a bunch of women with beer bellies, but I think I'm capable of figuring out why pregnant women aren't throwing medicine balls at each other's stomachs.
There's something creepy about a man in a fake mustache introducing a pregnant aerobics video. I doubt anyone bought this tape to masturbate to, but now I'm sort of thinking that's what this guy intended. This guy's entire face is nature's warning that inappropriate things give him an erection. This is the kind of guy who sees a sonogram and accidentally says, "How young is too young, am I right!? Yum!"
Once the doctor(?) leaves, this video might be the most feminine thing ever made. Five women in leotards are gracefully moving like they were inseminated by unicorns. The set is five giant birth control pills floating in a pink sunset. These women are so soft and pure that I can feel my 5 o'clock shadow scuffing their beauty when I look directly at them. This video makes me want to call ex girlfriends and apologize. And the creepy guy wasn't kidding about this routine being easy. It was probably tougher for these women to squeeze 36 combined months of pregnancy into five catsuits than it was for them to gently stir to adult contemporary music. In fact, most of their workout is a simultaneous nap. No bullshit, for over seven minutes they lie motionless while the camera gets closeups of them pretending to sleep. I can't imagine what creep came up with that idea while he was spirit gumming a fake mustache onto his face. Seriously, watch:
If these women cool down any harder someone is going to embalm them.
Angela Lansbury's Positive Moves, 1988
A Personal Plan for Fitness and Well-Being at Any AgeAfter Angela Lansbury made it to the age of 63, she decided it was her duty to share her secrets of long life with the world. Spoiler Alert: she's been putting her mouth over yours while you slept since you were six. She begins the video by admitting she's not an expert in fitness or nutrition, which almost seems like gloating when you're talking to someone who just purchased your product about fitness and nutrition. I guess the first step in Angela Lansbury's wellness program is you can't trust anybody, especially Angela Lansbury.
The second step in her program is that you're an idiot. Angela Lansbury solves murders by taking nothing for granted, so she leaves the possibility open that you're a person who recently crashed here from space or have had your brain eaten by one. She explains walking, biking and salads as if you've never heard of them. Never underestimate a non-expert's ability to overestimate the stupidity of the people who require their wisdom. You get things like "tips" on how to walk and "advice" that salads are for eating. To her credit, though, Angela Lansbury was on the coalition that invented salad.
Like any non-expert who mistakes common sense for research, Angela Lansbury assumes that if she's still alive, it's because of her exact combination of interests. For example, she suggests sewing as a great workout. Oh my god, that explains how when I'm done making pants, they are always way too big! I thought I was going crazy! Careful: Angela warns that she once "crippled herself" by doing too much sewing, so keep this in mind if you're pursuing a sleek and sexy seamstress build.
Besides a long list of Angela's hobbies, there are some actual exercise routines on the tape. Although that might be too generous a description for what I should have probably called "slow motion napping." I get that the elderly can't do jumping jacks without a necromancer, but Angela Lansbury's exercises are only slightly more difficult than laying down and waiting for death. She has one sequence where she does aided leg movey-things by wrapping a scarf around her feet. I think you'd get a better workout using the scarf to attach a pint of ice cream to your mouth. Plus, there's a good chance this certified non-expert made these moves up herself and you're burning more minutes off your spine's lifespan than you are calories.
If you're in the age group being kept alive by some kind of machine, this video is as close to pornography as your ancient ways will allow. Angela starts every day with a full body lotion massage, and you don't have to take her word for it. She shows you. She narrates this and the rest of the video with the same voice I imagine she uses when she's telling the telegraph operator to send, "I need your John Thomas. Stop. Unnhh deep inside me. Stop." This is wall-to-wall senior sexiness.
During her workout routine, Angela Lansbury seduces you not only with her voice but with her peach jumpsuit as the camera pans up and down her slow, inviting pelvic thrusts. For someone with failing eyesight, this must look more naked than a childbirth video. And for someone with good eyesight, it's a great way to incorporate screaming into your low impact hip-and-back stretching routine.
For most of the tape I thought I might be mistaking some kind of old-timey naivete for sexuality. I'm not a historian, so maybe it used to be perfectly innocent for people to lotion up, put on a flesh-colored leotard, and pump their crotch in your face. Then I got to the scene with Angela Lansbury taking a bath, and just like every time I've walked in on a woman in the bathtub, I realized I was right. Half-expecting to hear her theories on how hot water melts away fat or how shampooing tones your triceps, she instead reassures me the viewer that yes, this entire time she's been trying to fuck me. With her panting voiceover she talks about the myth that elderly women aren't sexual. And then, as her fingers slide under the bubbles and into this star of stage and screen's vagina, she shatters that myth. It's very important there's no misunderstanding here: at the end of her aerobics video, Angela Lansbury jerks off in the tub. She made this for senior citizens everywhere who needed something to masturbate to, but didn't want their surviving family members to know it was porno when they found it in the VCR. Angela Lansbury might not know anything about fitness, health, nutrition, or sewing, but that's pretty brilliant. Behold:
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