Jury's still out whether or not salt's going to kill you dead. But it sure as heck made you smarter!
You're welcome for your new ad campaign, salt industry!
The '50s may have been great for straight white people, but it's hard to argue for the moral superiority of an era that had segregated drinking fountains. What did the '50s have for entertainment? The radio? Polio? Fuck you, '50s.
"Millennials, or at least the ones directing the conversation, are responding to accusations that they're all immature and blind to reality by calling all baby boomers immature and blind to reality, which is like telling a 12-year-old 'Call Of Duty' troll that you're going to make his mom airtight."
You know what also helps? When countries ban lead paint.
"Despite the fact that the ensmartening effects of iodine have been known for decades, one-third of the Earth's population still has low iodine levels: It's the biggest cause of preventable mental retardation on the planet."
For the American version, we suggest changing it to once a week, as needed.
"If Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that ripping off other people's ideas isn't really a bad thing."
Every part of this tree has been designed to kill humans in the most horrifying ways possible.
"Standing underneath the manchineel tree while it's raining can be enough to make you break out in blisters. And if you try to burn it, the tree will produce toxic smoke that causes blindness. It's little wonder that some Native American tribes allegedly used to tie people to this tree as a form of torture."
Finally, the reason all the porn on the internet seems the same.
"No presidential candidate is going to start yelling about how the hardcore porn industry needs more regulation, although there is no denying it would be a pretty bold platform."
"Like in all the Fallouts, you can get a dog companion. And like in all the Fallouts, people will attack that dog companion. And like in all the Fallouts, when that happens, I lose my sh!t and butcher everything around me."
"You can now see every skull-shattering crack as raiders beat your beloved pup into the ground. And I can't take it."
You guys are superstars - thanks for following us.
"Contrary to what you might think following the last two weeks of news, the world isn't completely full of doom and gloom."
But do not crank the heater fan immediately after starting a cold car. That's just stupid.
"Every second you let your car idle in the cold, a single tear freezes to Al Gore's face. And that's only funny the first dozen times or so."
"Healthy" and "unhealthy" foods trade places more often than pro wrestlers in a tag-team match.
"Things have gotten so bad that the same news outlet will now report on how red wine might make radiation treatment more effective, fight cavities, and even make your kids grow up to be more attentive and better behaved, which of course it can't, because it's fucking grape juice, not angel tears."
On the left: the delicious fruit we know and love today. On the right: what it looked like before we domesticated the shit out of it.
"The banana was little more than an inedible pod of nasty-ass seeds until around 6,500 years ago."
Let us pitch you a sitcom ...
History is full of horribly depressing moments.
Behind every great man is a great mind they ripped off.