You can probably expect by now that Star Wars novelizations are significantly more terrifying than the films, so let's dive in.
George Lucas set a couple of ground rules for the sequel. Firstly, no Han Solo, because Harrison Ford hadn't officially signed up for more movies. So like a fruitcake that somehow got eaten at a Christmas party, Solo disappeared with no questions asked. Secondly, nothing expensive could happen, so the whole story takes place on one crappy planet.
The pretext for Luke and Leia being stranded on this planet was originally going to be a royal crash-landing by way of a space battle, but Lucas nixed anything as pricey and fun as lasers. Instead, Leia's ship simply craps out on her, and happens to land by a base where Darth Vader is hatching a secret evil plan.
Weirdest of all, since most of the ensuing mythology hadn't been mapped out yet and there was no Han Solo in the picture, the Skywalker twins get all hot and bothered. At one point, Leia's "body heat was near palpable to Luke."
The very first Fifty Shades / Star Wars mashup, before the Internet ruined everything.
If you were hoping for wholly unnecessary some visualization of this, then don't worry. A '90s-era comic book adaptation managed to do exactly that.
Dark House Comics
"... with my dick. I meant with my dick."
The author still thinks the story could work in between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back ... if you're able to "allow for the existence of certain awkward moments." Another awkward moment: Luke slaps Leia. Seriously. The goal is to fool an Imperial officer into believing Leia is his slave, but seriously, what the fuck? So much for keeping her from harm.
Dark House Comics
The best part is that Disney owns that picture now.
This scene is followed by Luke and Leia flirtatiously playfighting in a mud puddle, which is weird because they're brother and sister, but okay by George Lucas because mud's totally free!
J.M. McNab co-hosts the pop culture nostalgia podcast Rewatchability, which can also be found on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter @Rewatchability.
There were plenty of times that Star Wars has shot itself in the foot, making us just a little wary of the new films. See what we mean in 5 Reasons Star Wars Sequels Would Be Worse Than The Prequels and 6 Star Wars Characters Too Idiotic For Film.
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Nightmarish villains with superhuman enhancements. An all-seeing social network that tracks your every move. A young woman from the trailer park and her very smelly cat. Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, a new novel about futuristic shit, by David Wong.