The Star Wars universe has been around for years, but you can still count the number of movies on two hands (and the number of watchable movies on one). As a result, over the decades, a small army of writers has been churning out hundreds of official (and less-than-offical) side stories which have touched upon basically upon every topic except Chewbacca's annual colonoscopy.
So without further ado, here's a very special group of Star Wars yarns which are so goddamn insane that they threaten to defile your happy memories of the original films.
This old bootleg comic book was one of the few ways most Chinese people were able to experience Star Wars pre-Internet, as the films were only ever released in Hong Kong, and not mainland China. The only problem is that this is the type of comic George Lucas could have only approved with a gun to his head.
Though "Xing Qiu Da Zhan" doesn't seem that out of place in a world of Qui Gon Gin's and Ki Adi Mundi's.
This entire comic reads sort of like a misspelled Friday-night Facebook status for A New Hope. We can infer such because the Rebels are aided by their extra-secret corporate ally, J&B whiskey, which we're assuming is short for "Jedi Ben's Magic Juice."
"Many Bothans got drunk off this."
You can also tell that the artists were only sporadically watching the videotape as it sat in the background at a party and attempted to draw it afterwards. For example, they got Darth Vader mostly correct:
Notwithstanding the Disco Death Star by his head there.
But "Chewbacca" apparently sounds too close to "chimpanzee," which leads us to this abomination:
Instead of ripping arms, they fling poo when they lose.
But the most insane part is how it seems that Vader's master plan is to attack the Kennedy Space Center, because after ruling the galaxy for a few years, he became cocky enough to think that he could take on Florida.
"What are they gonna do? Defeat me with meth and fanboats?"
We do have to give credit where credit is due, however. They half-correctly predicted arguably the lamest twist the prequels offered by deciding that Boba Fett was of the same clone stock as the Stormtroopers.
"No way the real franchise would do something this dumb."
And it's hard to argue that the first film wouldn't be improved by Chinese Darth Vader's satanic triceratops steed ...
This is even more badass than Indian Superman's wild-eyed bloodlust.
... Princess Leia's pornogram to Obi Wan Kenobi ...
Threepio leaves the room, leaving Artoo to helplessly watch Luke masturbating to a hologram of his sister.
... Obi Wan Kenobi's missile-launching warcycle ...
Okay, so the artists had two TVs, and the other one was playing Knightriders.
... or the fact that the Death Star exploding looks like Darth Vader's acid flashback to Woodstock.
"Joe Cocker?!? What are YOU doing here?"
Del Rey
For kids in the 1970s who wanted to relive the magic of Star Wars, but without the action, special effects, charming actors, or literally anything of importance, there was a book based on the movies, subtitled "From The Adventures Of Luke Skywalker."
Del Rey
Spoiler alert: It didn't have much to do with Luke Skywalker.
Early on in the films, Luke and old Ben Kenobi head to Mos Eisley, the intergalactic bastard child of Albuquerque and Detroit. Luke is hassled by a guy with an ass for a face, which was rather telling about how millions of young people would come to define their adolescence.
Lucasfilm
Maybe saying he doesn't like you is his way of crying for help.
As a fight is about to break out, Ben-Who-is-Now-Obi-Wan slices off the alien's arm with a lightsaber, but lets him live. In the book, the same scene occurs, but the end result is a little bit different.
Del Rey
"The Old Man held out the severed arm, and flipped the man off with his own middle finger."
And by "a little bit different," we mean a lot more violent. Instead of stopping at slicing the guy's arm off, like a normal and rational Jedi Knight, Obi Wan goes off his rocker and slices two other guys in half:
Del Rey
So Jabba's blue elephant gets five pages of backstory, but the best George could come up with for this was "rodent-thing"?
This is the kind of shit we've come to expect from George R. R. Martin, not George Lucas. The scene ends with the bartender dragging the "unsightly corpses" out of the bar -- which, to be fair, probably wasn't too different from most nights around closing time.
Del Rey
Assistant Corpse Mover narrowly edges Rancor Cage Cleaner for the worst Tatooine part-time job ever.
But back to that title. Think about this from Luke's perspective for a minute. He's hanging out on a different planet with a strange old man who lives in a cave and showed up out of nowhere. This guy claims it's all good because he used to be friends with your dad -- a line rarely used outside of an idling van with tinted windows situated by of a middle school gym. The old man then takes him to a dive bar and promptly goes on a murder spree.
Random House
As they're the most violent teddy bears to come into existence since the one Theodore Roosevelt saw tied to a tree in the 1910s, it was only a matter of time before a children's book about Ewoks came out. The Adventures Of Teebo: A Tale Of Magic And Suspense gave us insight into the lives of the Ewoks outside of the films. And boy, could we have done without that.
Random House
"Hey, kids! You know how you loved imagining yourself living on a teddy bear planet? Fuck you!"
We'll hit you with it up front: There were people banished to Siberia in the days of Stalin who had it better than the Ewoks. Even the cover of the book features a poor little guy running for his life, seemingly on the verge of tears. For starters, Endor is full of pitchfork-wielding shadow monsters riding giant spiders.
Random House
This is "A Tale Of Magic And Suspense"? What's "Terror And Distress"?
Boy, it's a good thing that Princess Leia crashed her speeder near the Ewok Village and not Evil Spider World. Otherwise, Return Of The Jedi would have turned into a Lovecraft story faster than you can say "I am your father."
Here's the thing: The evil spiders aren't even the actual bad guys. That title belongs to the Duloks. If the Ewoks are like Mogwai, then the Duloks are like the Gremlins. They're working on a plan to capture all of the Ewok babies to skin and eat, like the kind of plague that even God was afraid to hit Pharaoh with in the Old Testament.
Random House
"Did you say rare or medium?"
This isn't a bedtime story for the Star Wars generation; it's a thinly-veiled threat German parents would issue to children in the 1500s. The Ewoks must be constantly fighting for their lives. The Empire would have been an absolute cakewalk compared to this shit.
The Ewoks aren't stupid, either. In another book, Wicket, one of the leaders of the Ewoks, even gives a rousing pre-battle speech, which we certainly hope worked.
Random House
Did C-3PO make a dick joke at the end?
Unfortunately, this impassioned speech against oppression probably sounded like adorable gibberish to any potential allies. It ain't easy being an Ewok.
NPR
In the early '80s, NPR produced an epic radio dramatization of Star Wars. To pad out the running time, this version heaped a lot of extra, non-visual scenes onto the story. We get a lot of the "Luke farting around with his friends" scenes cut from the movies, but they also add a disturbing detail to a key scene.
NPR
"Then, stay tuned for the Emperor's tips on growing that organic garden."
As Luke and Uncle Owen are buying stolen droids off the Jawas, selecting C-3PO then R5-D4, they leave R2-D2 behind. R5 then explodes unexpectedly, which should have been a more common response to being sold into slavery.
Lucasfilm
"Master Luke? I think--"
"Don't turn around. It's fine."
In the movie it seems like happenstance, like R5 was the Ford Pinto of droids or something. The radio show, on the other hand, adds a brief scene in which R2, despite Threepio telling him not to, sabotages R5-D4. Congratulations, NPR. You made the most likable character in the entire franchise a goddamned murderer. This creepy backstory even made its way into some kind of Star Wars Encyclopedia, so this shit's official.
Dorling Kindersley?
"Second law of robotics, bitch."
Los Angeles Times Syndicate
Comic strips in the 1980s consisted largely of Charlie Brown spiraling into depression, Calvin and Hobbes, and little else that could bring anyone to care about the funnies. Luckily, a Star Wars strip came along to save the day, featuring Boba Fett and Luke Skywalker inventing snowboarding.
Los Angeles Times Syndicate
Boba figured he could give Luke one last sick shred before he turned him in to the Emperor.
The films show a fair amount of Luke's temptations toward the Dark Side, but completely neglected to mention that his issues with gambling addiction were a part of that. In the strip, Luke meanders into a series of poorly-named situations. On the planet Gambler's World (we swear), he heads into Casino Royale (we pinky swear). The mission is to get some casino winnings out of the hands of the Emperor, which has got to be a front for something.
Los Angeles Times Syndicate
Darth Trump! No!
Luke encounters a luck-based game called "Cosmic Chance," which involves a giant ball filled with pagan symbols that may or may not brainwash Luke into speaking like a Gungan.
Los Angeles Times Syndicate
"Did ... did you just destroy Alderaan?"
Astonishingly, Luke seems to have a knack for the game.
Los Angeles Times Syndicate
Wow, he got six ... somethings.
It's almost as if Luke has some kind of telekinetic abili-- shit.
Los Angeles Times Syndicate
"It's like he forced the rays in his favor, using a powerful fo-- oh, I get it."
Luke is absolutely over the moon(s of Endor) from his winnings, but we all know what's happening. He's using the Force to win the Star Wars equivalent of a slot machine. Luke may have been able to dodge a back-planet ass-beating, but this is a scary thing to have to witness. It's a good thing Obi-Wan didn't see this, because he wouldn't be mad; he'd be disappointed.
Dark House Comics
Nobody knew Star Wars would be the hit it was. Even George Lucas had a contingency sequel in case the movie flopped. It would have been able to continue the story, but on a more modest price tag. Lucas hired Alan Dean Foster, ghostwriter for the original novelization, to whip up a sequel novel that could later be turned into a movie.
Del Rey
So far, this is about a thousand times better than Episode 1.
You can probably expect by now that Star Wars novelizations are significantly more terrifying than the films, so let's dive in.
George Lucas set a couple of ground rules for the sequel. Firstly, no Han Solo, because Harrison Ford hadn't officially signed up for more movies. So like a fruitcake that somehow got eaten at a Christmas party, Solo disappeared with no questions asked. Secondly, nothing expensive could happen, so the whole story takes place on one crappy planet.
The pretext for Luke and Leia being stranded on this planet was originally going to be a royal crash-landing by way of a space battle, but Lucas nixed anything as pricey and fun as lasers. Instead, Leia's ship simply craps out on her, and happens to land by a base where Darth Vader is hatching a secret evil plan.
Weirdest of all, since most of the ensuing mythology hadn't been mapped out yet and there was no Han Solo in the picture, the Skywalker twins get all hot and bothered. At one point, Leia's "body heat was near palpable to Luke."
Del Rey
The very first Fifty Shades / Star Wars mashup, before the Internet ruined everything.
If you were hoping for wholly unnecessary some visualization of this, then don't worry. A '90s-era comic book adaptation managed to do exactly that.
Dark House Comics
"... with my dick. I meant with my dick."
The author still thinks the story could work in between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back ... if you're able to "allow for the existence of certain awkward moments." Another awkward moment: Luke slaps Leia. Seriously. The goal is to fool an Imperial officer into believing Leia is his slave, but seriously, what the fuck? So much for keeping her from harm.
Dark House Comics
The best part is that Disney owns that picture now.
This scene is followed by Luke and Leia flirtatiously playfighting in a mud puddle, which is weird because they're brother and sister, but okay by George Lucas because mud's totally free!
J.M. McNab co-hosts the pop culture nostalgia podcast Rewatchability, which can also be found on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter @Rewatchability.
There were plenty of times that Star Wars has shot itself in the foot, making us just a little wary of the new films. See what we mean in 5 Reasons Star Wars Sequels Would Be Worse Than The Prequels and 6 Star Wars Characters Too Idiotic For Film.
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Nightmarish villains with superhuman enhancements. An all-seeing social network that tracks your every move. A young woman from the trailer park and her very smelly cat. Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, a new novel about futuristic shit, by David Wong.
JM McNab
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