5

Tron Featured Computer Programs Having Sex

Walt Disney

Tron is the Disney movie that taught America how computers work: There are tiny versions of you and your friends playing Olympic-like games in a laser-tag-themed rave inside each one. That's just science.

Walt Disney
This is why it's important to cover your webcam while you change clothes.

The Script:

One question hopefully no one asks while watching Tron is whether or not these computer sprites are boning each other between light cycle races. Well, here's the answer anyway: They absolutely are.

In a scene that was deleted and then hopefully taken to the woods and buried, the titular character and his romantic interest, Yori, go back to her apartment for a little menage a Tron. There's even some gross double-entendre that stops just short of Yori saying, "I want a hard drive, not a floppy disc."

Walt Disney
The games he refers to are the Japanese "visual novels" Jeff Bridges installed on his computer.

Irresponsibly, there's no talk about using protection, but then again this was before Norton Antivirus was invented. And it's a Disney movie, so they have sex not via actual penetration but rather some kind of glowing cyber-groping where they try to "touch the other's entire body at once" until they're "enveloped in the cloud of stars." It's basically what it would be like if David Bowie wrote a song about dry-humping.

Walt Disney
"Cloud of stars" is the nicest euphemism for jizz we've ever heard.

4

Happy Feet Originally Featured Aliens, Profanity

Warner Bros.

Before the entire world realized that George Miller should just make as many Mad Max movies as he can until the day he dies, we were all happy to enjoy his cute family flicks about dancing penguins. Happy Feet tells the story of Mumble, an emperor penguin who tap dances but doesn't battle post-apocalyptic biker gangs. Somehow, it made a lot of money.

Warner Bros.
"I TAP! I DANCE! I TAP AGAIN!"

The Script:

A side plot of Happy Feet finds Mumble telling others he was abducted by aliens -- later vindicated by the arrival of the "alien" human researchers, who only "abduct" penguins to tag them.

Warner Bros.
And only "probe their butts" to ... wait, what?

If you go back and look at the script, though, this was just a fake-out to set up a twist in which there are actual goddamn aliens.

Warner Bros.
Oh no. This is gonna turn into a Mars Needs Moms crossover, isn't it?

3

Ghostbusters II Ended With A Random Slavery Discussion

Columbia Pictures

2

The Girl From Say Anything Had To Fend Off The Advances Of A Creepy Teacher

20th Century Fox

The classic teen romance Say Anything is best remembered for its iconic boombox scene, which solidified John Cusack's movie-star status while ensuring Peter Gabriel a Scrooge McDuck-like vault full of royalty checks.

20th Century Fox
Because of this scene, it was illegal to sell a boombox without a pack of condoms throughout the '90s.

The Script:

In the movie's opening scenes, Cusack's character watches smittenly from the audience as his romantic interest, Diane, delivers her valedictorian speech.

20th Century Fox
Why's he the one who looks smug as hell?

1

The Goonies' Data Used Electricity To Give The Girls Orgasms

Warner Bros.

The Goonies is a cherished '80s movie about a group of kids who are so cool they go on treasure hunts but so uncool they refuse to call the overweight and Chinese kids by their actual names (either that, or the parents of Data and Chunk were fucking cruel). The gang embarks on a subterranean hunt for the treasure of One-Eyed Willy, a 17th-century pirate and dumb dick joke the screenwriter somehow snuck into a movie for children.

The Script:

In the midst of their treasure hunt, the kids have to swim through a wishing well -- but in doing so become COVERED WITH LEECHES!

Warner Bros.
Inappropriate enthusiasm in the original.

Data, being the smart one (in case the name didn't tip you off), conceives of a plan to electrocute the leeches, using the water as a conductor to zap them right off. If there are any 10-year-olds reading this, please don't try this at home.

Warner Bros.
This is how Sloth ended up looking like that.

Amazingly, his plan works, but has a (hopefully) unintended consequence -- the two girls "squeal," "sigh," and feel their "knees buckle." So, yeah, Data totally gives the girls orgasms.

Warner Bros.
That's a slur for "Asian person" we'd never heard before.

Stef even says, "I'm in love with a pond" -- which is either a one-off joke or a setup for the ickiest sequel imaginable. Andy, on the other hand, "feels violated" by the experience and "slaps Data across the face" after Data "victoriously smiles."

Warner Bros.
If this movie had an ending like Stand By Me, we'd see that Data now runs a sex-toy empire.

This scene must have survived a lot of drafts, because it's included in the movie's novelization. Meaning producer Steven Spielberg must have OK'd it up to a certain point. So if the director of Jaws and Schindler's List thought it was a good idea to pause the treasure hunt so a small boy could bring two teenage girls in a filthy pond to climax, maybe everyone should stop complaining about the Indiana Jones "nuke the fridge" scene and just be glad that Short Round didn't pop by to pleasure women with a car battery.

J.M. McNab co-hosts the pop culture nostalgia podcast Rewatchability, which can also be found on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter @Rewatchability.

Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: To get there you'd have to cross a bridge, sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy. If you fell off, you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael, along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi, and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here, and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!

For more scenes we're glad never made it into our favorite films, check out 6 Classic Movies That Were Saved By (Wisely) Deleted Scenes and 6 Deleted Scenes That Prove The Book Isn't Always Better.

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