Mr. Deegan eventually leaves, but not before turning and offering this depressingly disturbing line:
20th Century Fox
"But not too old. Nineteen, tops."
Keep in mind, this is the beginning of the movie -- and the rest is mostly going to be Diane having to deal with a gauntlet of bullshit. So in addition to her dad going to fucking prison, she also has to fend off a pedophilic dickhead teacher? Nothing short of Peter Gabriel himself randomly showing up to kick that guy in the balls would have made that scene work.
The Goonies' Data Used Electricity To Give The Girls Orgasms
The Goonies is a cherished '80s movie about a group of kids who are so cool they go on treasure hunts but so uncool they refuse to call the overweight and Chinese kids by their actual names (either that, or the parents of Data and Chunk were fucking cruel). The gang embarks on a subterranean hunt for the treasure of One-Eyed Willy, a 17th-century pirate and dumb dick joke the screenwriter somehow snuck into a movie for children.
In the midst of their treasure hunt, the kids have to swim through a wishing well -- but in doing so become COVERED WITH LEECHES!
Inappropriate enthusiasm in the original.
Data, being the smart one (in case the name didn't tip you off), conceives of a plan to electrocute the leeches, using the water as a conductor to zap them right off. If there are any 10-year-olds reading this, please don't try this at home.
This is how Sloth ended up looking like that.
Amazingly, his plan works, but has a (hopefully) unintended consequence -- the two girls "squeal," "sigh," and feel their "knees buckle." So, yeah, Data totally gives the girls orgasms.
That's a slur for "Asian person" we'd never heard before.
Stef even says, "I'm in love with a pond" -- which is either a one-off joke or a setup for the ickiest sequel imaginable. Andy, on the other hand, "feels violated" by the experience and "slaps Data across the face" after Data "victoriously smiles."
If this movie had an ending like Stand By Me, we'd see that Data now runs a sex-toy empire.
This scene must have survived a lot of drafts, because it's included in the movie's novelization. Meaning producer Steven Spielberg must have OK'd it up to a certain point. So if the director of Jaws and Schindler's List thought it was a good idea to pause the treasure hunt so a small boy could bring two teenage girls in a filthy pond to climax, maybe everyone should stop complaining about the Indiana Jones "nuke the fridge" scene and just be glad that Short Round didn't pop by to pleasure women with a car battery.
J.M. McNab co-hosts the pop culture nostalgia podcast Rewatchability, which can also be found on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter @Rewatchability.
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For more scenes we're glad never made it into our favorite films, check out 6 Classic Movies That Were Saved By (Wisely) Deleted Scenes and 6 Deleted Scenes That Prove The Book Isn't Always Better.
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