Another highlight is Mickey taking Goofy to an offshore drilling platform and teaching him about the oil pipeline that runs from the port of Valdez -- only four years before the words "Exxon" and "Valdez" became synonymous with the second-largest oil spill in U.S. history. But that's what you get when you trust a cartoon mouse at an amusement park to teach you about energy production.

Walt Disney Educational Media Company

Walt Disney Educational Media Company
"Gorsh. I bet that could cover a lot of native wildlife. Hyuck!"

Don't worry, Mickey does bring up some energy alternatives ... making sure to mention they're super expensive or inconvenient. Like Goofy's stupid fucking bicycle here:

Walt Disney Educational Media Company
"This is literally your only other option!"

But death isn't the only thing that makes Sonic cry. There's also all the sordid relationship drama you'd expect from a comic about talking cartoon animals, such as the issue when Sonic's chipmunk girlfriend, Sally Acorn, tearfully breaks up with him because of his unhealthy fixation with Dr. Robotnik.

Archie Comics
"Hey, you're the one who said no to the threesome idea."

Incidentally, Sally also died at one point (for like two months, but still). So many of Sonic's friends get murdered that, understandably, he even starts hanging out in cemeteries, presumably while smoking clove cigarettes and listening to The Cure.

Archie Comics
Sonic still isn't over Roger Moore being cast as Bond.

All of this at least explains why there's a game where Sonic jumps to his death if you leave him unattended for too long. We're sorry, Sonic. We didn't know.

Please forget everything you know about Ronald McDonald for a minute, and try to enjoy the following comic as the simple story of a man with face paint who stalks children from the sky. This 1970s comic was supposed to get kids to join the Boy Scouts, but the only thing it ended up promoting was coulrophobia. It opens with Ronald spying on children from some bushes, like someone who shouldn't be allowed within 50 feet of a McDonald's Playland.

Via Comics With Problems
Weird how he's facing the other direction, yet you instinctively know his dick is out.

The kids are breaking into an abandoned house when they should be eating triple burgers (or serving them). Presumably because that's the house where he's been squatting, Ronald gets seriously pissed off. His fury then turns into bafflement when he notices that, for some reason, these children are running away from the angry clown who jumped at them from the bushes.

Via Comics With Problems
"It's my satanic lord you should fear! All hail Hamb'urrgl Arh!"

Ronald entices the kids with the promise of a ride on his flying hamburger -- literally, a super-sized plate with an enormous, clearly genetically modified patty on it. On top of being insane, that looks terribly unsafe and highly caloric.

Via Comics With Problems
The Big Macs have shrunk a lot since the '70s.

Of course, the ride turns out to be a cheap trick to get the kids to pick up garbage and join the Boy Scouts. Don't they need a parent's permission to do that? Yes, but Ronald has ways to ... "persuade" people ...

Via Comics With Problems
"Maybe if we smile as we cry for help he won't notice!"

The kids do end up loving Scouting (Google "Stockholm Syndrome"), and when Ronald revisits them, we get a glimpse of how depressingly empty his life is as they all make excuses as to why they can't join him on his burgerplane.

Via Comics With Problems
"Bummer. I was hoping we'd get more time before I had to murder you."

Ronald flies away, probably back to that abandoned shack to huff paint thinner until he's back in "McDonaldland" again.

Another thing this series added was the ability for Transformers to transform ... their hearts. Also, their sexuality. In More Than Meets The Eye two Transformers (Chromedome and Rewind) become a gay couple -- a surprisingly progressive move for a franchise whose movies are made by a guy who thinks '80s-era gay jokes are funny. Perhaps even more surprisingly, Transformers fans defied the stereotype of the comic book nerd who loses his shit over everything and were totally cool with this revelation.

IDW Publishing
But they still boycotted the comic because Rewind's left shoulder pad is colored incorrectly.

In one issue of the comic, the Partridges are shooting a film in a studio when 12-year-old Danny (the cute redheaded kid) is accidentally admitted to an adult movie set, because he's mistaken for a "midget." Yup, if you're a little person, that's basically an all-access pass to porno sets. And if you're in the adult entertainment field, apparently you lack the ability to discern children from grown men.

The artist of this kids' comic then illustrates what it's like on the set of a movie that's going to "get an X rating." We don't see exactly what the actors do to earn that rating, but forcing your filthy imagination to fill in the blanks just makes it worse.

Charlton Comics

Charlton Comics
"What?! The whole midget?"

Danny is then taken away by his brother, but his innocence is already lost. Presumably, he then went home and wrote this song. This incident does at least help explain how adorable little Danny became the guy who got arrested for buying coke before a D.A.R.E. event and beating up a prostitute.

Columbia Pictures Television, Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
He's like the 234th saddest child actor ever.

Because Leave It To Beaver was the edgiest shit kids in the '50s could possibly imagine, the wholesome TV show got its own comic book series. And, judging by the covers, it was about Beaver training to become a prize fighter.

Dell Comics
That's ... exactly how we'd expect someone from the '50s to deal with females, actually.

Don't worry; the comic isn't really about Beaver's dad teaching him to fight -- it's about how the man's neglect led his child to build an instrument of death. In the story, Beaver has to do a school project on "knights" and his dad refuses to do it for him ... or, like, even offer a minimum amount of supervision. That's when Beaver's brother Wally suggests: Why not make a morning star?

Dell Comics
"If not, there's a nifty penis clamp on page 15."

Since there are no adults around, Beaver actually makes a medieval weapon out of a baseball bat and a car chain. That's when their dad sees it, tells the kids that's too dangerous, and everyone learns a valuable les- what? He just lets Beaver use the thing inside the house? Huh. Then the chain snaps, and the dad doesn't seem too alarmed when the ball breaks a vase that easily could have been Wally's skull -- which, frankly, would have served him right for suggesting this in the first place.

Dell Comics
"See son, in this house we believe in a little thing called natural selection."

So Beaver presents his creation to his teacher and she, what, calls child protective services? Nope! She gives him a prize for making the assignment all by himself. She even encourages him to keep practicing his moves at home, because every single adult in this comic is either a moron or really, really hates Beaver. So how's he supposed to practice? Same way we would: by cracking nuts.

Dell Comics
He wants to make sure he goes for maximum impact when he hits his dad's.

Let's hope for their World War II unit, Beaver doesn't come into class with a crudely made landmine.