If you could write something and know a million people would read it, what would it be?
"Boner boner boner... Hm... Boner salad? Boner Sandwich?"
For many of you, the answer would of course be, "EVERYBODY LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF MY GENITALS." But for the rest of you, well, keep reading. We may have something that you'll be interested in.
See, things are going pretty well at Cracked. We're on a bit of what's known as a roll in the internet comedy and sandwich making industries. We've been having to ask ourselves the above question nearly every morning, and we've come up with our answer:
See, here's the thing. You are awesome. Don't let people tell you otherwise.
We're not just kissing your ass here. A couple of years ago we bet our jobs on it, on you people, and goddammit, you came through. We threw open the doors and said anybody--anybody--could write for us. All you have to do is click here and say you want in. We didn't even want to see your resume.
You showed up by the thousands. At that time, we were doing about eight-million hits a month. Last month, October of 2009, we did nearly a hundred million. Or rather, you did. And you didn't do it with picture of naked boobs and videos of guys playing the guitar with their boners. You did it by writing articles that were actually good. It turns out that actual smart, funny writing is such a rare thing on the Internet that people show up in droves when they get wind of it.
"'Boner Sandwich'? This guy sounds like a real go-getter!"
So that's why, every year on this day, we come on here and say thank you, and extend the offer again for you to join us. We don't feel like we're exaggerating when we say that what we have accomplished together is the most impressive feat in the history of humankind. Want to have your name etched on the monument they will build to us in the future?
Inquire within. You don't have to have experience. We didn't have experience when we started, why should you? You just have to be funny, smart and willing to put in the work.
And thank you, for restoring our faith in humanity, or at least the Internet part of humanity. See, we suspected that, despite what you see in the YouTube comments and Yahoo! Answers, the Internet was full of untapped genius. It's just that for most of these great minds, their genius wasn't in the area of physics or ancient languages, but in less appreciated subject matter like unsettling sex toys and 80s cartoons. Everybody is an expert in something. Everybody has something interesting to say.
"What can I say? I know boners."
Now, look at us. Next year we have a book hitting stores, full of your articles. Some of you have gone out and gotten book deals of your own and others have left the nest and started other comedy websites getting millions of hits. That's a couple reasons why we need more of you and why we'll always need more. We're always expanding, these days we post four new pieces a day and have over 3,000 articles in the Cracked Topic Pages, the new section we started earlier this year.
Which brings us back to our original question. If you could say something to a million people, what would it be? We suspect it'd be whatever subject you're passionate about, regardless of how obscure, ridiculous or trivial. Maybe you'd take the opportunity to point out how amazing parasites are, or why Neo from The Matrix should be convicted of murder. It doesn't matter, because if you're good, and knowledgeable, and passionate, people will read.
Well, we have the million people here, waiting. Do you have something to say to them?
There are already thousands of you--college kids and teenagers and housewives and retirees and homeless dudes who log on from the public library--but if what you're writing is good, it will make it onto the site. That's our guarantee. And we're going to do this as long as we can, as hard as we can, right up until the very rivers dry up and the mountains crumble into the sea. Or until we go broke and have to go find real jobs.
Some of the most monumental moments in history happened because some idiot was really bad at their job.
We're so inundated with Trump news that we shrug off scandals that would tank any other president.