"That's right: menstrual cramps. Believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are."
So he claimed he'd just run over a young girl with his car. And rather than stopping there and maybe, you know, rethinking his life choices a bit, McGlone decided that fuck it, he'd go whole hog -- to really make the horribleness of the fictional experience sink in, he described in vivid detail the way he'd felt the girl's bones crunching beneath the tires as he (presumably slowly, so very slowly) rolled over her. Obviously, a person having just gone through such a traumatic and/or titillating experience could not be expected to report to work.
Since a girl being killed by a car is a relatively simple event to verify, McGlone's tale quickly unraveled and, brought before a disciplinary panel, he was given "a 12-month reprimand against his name on the teaching register," which is possibly a polite Scottish phrase meaning "a very special award in the shape of a giant dick."
A Guy Took a Bullet to Get out of His Job at Walmart
While you could inarguably say that everyone we've told you about so far experienced moments of undeniable, categorical insanity, you could also say that they are posers who lack a true dedication to their quest to shirk their responsibilities. If you were to say that about Daniel Kuch of Pasco, Washington, on the other hand, he would quite possibly kick your ass, or maybe rip your throat clean out with his teeth.
Now, we feel it's necessary to qualify what we're about to tell you by first telling you that Kuch worked at Walmart. That fact alone could perhaps completely negate the insanity of the story because, ugh, fucking Walmart, you know? But we're going to tell it anyway for the specific reason that, holy shit, the guy talked a friend into shooting him so he could get out of going to work. Shooting him with a gun. A gun that shoots bullets. (And that was possibly purchased at Walmart, we're not sure.)
"I waited until we had a 'Buy One, Get One Free.' I've got to take a weekend for my sister's wedding next month."
It all began when Kuch (which we would make a point to pronounce as "cooch" if we weren't deathly afraid of the man, as you should be too) found out that he was due for a drug test at work. For reasons that aren't entirely clear (maybe he had a thing about peeing into cups?), Kuch did not wish to take this drug test. So he called up his good friend, Kurtis Johnson. After what must have been an alarmingly infinitesimal amount of convincing (because any amount of convincing would be alarmingly infinitesimal in this situation), Johnson shot Kuch in the shoulder, and then proceeded to dump the gun in a river. Then another acquaintance, Oleg Barbarosh, stepped in to drive the now-bleeding Kuch to the hospital and report that he was the victim of a drive-by, because apparently Kuch prefers to do his cardio in gang territory.
Doug Menuez/Photodisc/Getty Images
"I don't care if it's a Crips town; I want to look like Steve Austin."
It's suddenly becoming much clearer why Kuch was so averse to taking that drug test.
It took authorities an amount of time that can only be measured in Planck units to figure out what was really going on and, as you might expect, Kuch and Barbarosh were brought up on charges of false reporting, while Johnson got slapped in the face by a pretty little assault charge. It's also basically a given that Kuch no longer has to worry about going to his job at Walmart. Still, on some crazy-ass level, you've got to admire his unyielding commitment (to avoiding commitment by any means necessary).
Kevin Phelan is an entertainment reporter in New York's Lower Hudson Valley. He totally didn't write this at work. If enough people follow his Twitter, he might actually start using it. You can book his face here.
For more people who are total idiots, check out 6 People Who Died In Order To Prove A (Retarded) Point and The 7 Most Impressively Lazy Employees of All-Time.
These people aren't heroes but they're...something. Definitely something. Click the Facebook button to 'share' their achievements.