6 Ways You Can (Accidentally) Attract the Ladies: Update
The other day the entire Cracked staff was sitting around on our lunch break when one of us realized, hey -- you, our reader, isn't having sex right now. We all agreed that was an injustice that could not stand, but what could we do? We are but an internet comedy site. Then we realized that the answer was simple -- we should make an entire freaking web series about it. Rom.Com is the new show from the people who brought you Adventures in Jedi School (us), and Agents of Cracked (also us, but like, a long time ago ... so it doesn't seem real anymore, ya know?).
Of course, filming a series takes longer than 36 hours, so while we finish this up, please enjoy this Cracked Classic, which will scientifically explain how the weirdest, most utterly random things make you more attractive. And please take your time reading because -- and don't tell our bosses this -- we haven't actually started filming Rom.Com yet. Heh. We are so screwed.
If you're a heterosexual man, you've done at least one thing today purely intended to woo the ladies. The level of effort ranges from merely remembering to shower to training to be an astronaut, but the effort is there.
But it turns out many of the most important things you do to attract the opposite sex have nothing to do with skill.
Are you a little sensitive about the fact that you're not exactly the manliest dude on the block? And that it takes you six weeks to grow a beard? You shouldn't be. After all, haven't you noticed that suddenly they're selling a lot of men's pants that seem to be designed to fit women? And that Hollywood hunks have gotten a lot less manly over the past, oh, 50 years?
Put your pants back on. It's Jude Law.
It's looking like if you want to attract the women these days, it helps to be a little lady-like.
There is apparently a scientific reason why the ideal man these days is closer to the sensitive, gel-haired emo than the gruff, grizzled cowboy your grandma lusted after. Some experts think it has to do with the availability of the birth control pill.
Historically women were attracted to strapping, virile men who would pass on their bulging, hairy chested, muscular genes to their children. Obviously the point was to ensure that the resulting offspring would be strong enough to survive all the horrifying claptrap that goes on in the forest at night.
Thanks to some hormone magic, this tends to change after the woman is pregnant. Her brain assumes the most important bit has already been done, and relaxes its "make strong babies" hold over her. This is when she finds herself annoyed by the smelly, bearded, farting creature who impregnated her and finds herself wishing she had a sensitive guy to help with the mothering.
But when on the pill, a woman's body thinks she is pregnant all the time.
So the theory goes that millions of women have been on the pill at some point in the last 40 years, and their lust objects have changed accordingly. Today they're more attracted to a male archetype who is more effeminate, less aggressive and will make better a life partner than bear killer. So get busy waxing those legs, guys.
Put your pants back on. It's Zac Efron.
Related: Before Lil Nas X Sparked A Widespread Moral Panic, There Was Purple 'Teletubbie,' 'Tinky Winky'
Be Average Looking
Have you ever looked in the mirror and sighed, "Cursed be this plain visage! I'm just so average looking!"?
"Oh, hell yes."
If so, don't despair. Studies show that people with "average" features are considered more attractive.
Basically, it works like this: You've seen a lot of people in your life and subconsciously have a good idea of what normal looks like. A very good, very detailed idea. And people like the things they are used to seeing. So if your eyes are the same distance apart as everybody else's, huzzah! You are on your way to sexytown.
For instance, look at these photos and decide which row is hotter:
The second row, right? That's because the second row of photos have been subtly manipulated to make the women's features more like everyone else's. Everything from the ratios between nose to eyes to hairline to the nostril hole proportions have been configured to match the average person's, which somehow makes each girl prettier.
In the future, plastic surgeons hope to use this knowledge to give people more natural-looking cosmetic surgery, instead of the nightmarish frozen-mask look most surgeons turn out now.
Do you have two arms? Are they of similar size and length? If you find one is slightly larger due to your job as a professional arm wrestler, try alternating. Simply being the same on both sides is one of the best ways to get chicks.
People with symmetrical bodies are consistently rated the most attractive no matter what their facial attractiveness may be. Again, this is something that made sense a long time ago. Symmetry is a sign of good health and development. Having two legs the same length meant you were better able to run away from predators. If you were less symmetrical, you might pass on weaker genes to your children.
Science says this haircut is stupid.
In one study, scientists even removed faces and skin color from the equation, making sure body symmetry was the only thing being judged. The differences between people can be so subtle, the tests subjects couldn't even explain why they chose one over the other. So go find out how symmetrical you are, then get out on the dance floor. Oh didn't we mention? More symmetrical people tend to be better dancers, indicating dancing may have evolved as a way to advertise that fact.
There are whole aisles full of deodorants and antiperspirants and other products meant to do nothing but disguise the disgusting smell of your sweat. Holy crap, that must mean women will run away in mid-vomit the moment your sweaty ass comes within a hundred feet! Go take a shower, you pig!
Ah, not so fast. It turns out few things turn women on more than your natural, sweaty smell.
That sweat contains sexy, masculine chemicals that cause girls to experience "heightened mood, physiological arousal and subjective sexual arousal," which is just fancytalk for horny.
Looks like someone got beat with the sweaty, girly-faced stick.
The science of pheromones is controversial but we do know that women have insane abilities when it comes to smelling out the right guy. Scientists did a study where men and women wore the same T-shirts for a few days, avoiding all deodorant or scented products. Then a group of women smelled the buttnasty shirts.
Not only were the ladies able to tell which shirts had been worn by men, the scents they rated most attractive were from the men who had the most genetic differences to them, something we look for in a mate. Oh and that body symmetry thing we just talked about? Yeah, they could smell which of the men were most symmetrical.
Sexiest scientific study, like, ever.
Look Like Her Dad
So you've got the symmetry of a Picasso portrait held by a drunk palsy-handed guy, you're as brawny as Sasquatch on Rogaine and you happen to hold yourself to basic hygienic standards, you've still got one more option. Go out and find a guy who looks just like you but about 30-years older. Then ask to meet his daughter.
"Sir, I do believe this is fate."
Yes, it's true, people really do fall for partners who look like their parent. This phenomenon even extends beyond basic facial features. If a woman's father was already old (like over 40) when she was born, she will tend to go for older suitors.
Ladies, the same goes for guys. Studies have shown that a man with an older than average mother will not be as bothered by wrinkles and gray hair as other men. So if you're a lady and you're getting on a bit (which would be weird, because you're reading Cracked, but whatever), go ahead and embrace this whole "cougar" trend and find yourself a young guy with an old mom. Run with it. Run hard.
Too young! Retreat! Too young!
And if all else fails...
Find a Girl Who is Ovulating
For those of you who were distracted by the vagina diagram during Sex Ed class, ovulation is when an egg is released from an ovary into a fallopian tube. For 12 to 24 hours a month an ovulating woman is a fertile field of babyfruit bearing ripeness.
If the girl at the club happens to be in this biological state, congratulations. The bar has never been lower for what she considers an acceptable mate.
Time to make your move, brother.
Whether she consciously wants a baby or not, her body sure as hell does. Her lips plumpen, her pupils dilate, her voice increases in pitch and, most importantly, her breasts swell. On their egg days, women can just sit back and let their ovaries turn her into Jessica Rabbit. OK, many women also get abdominal pain and low grade fevers, but still, boobs.
Of course, this has evolutionary benefits. It makes sense for a woman to appear most attractive when she is at her most fertile. But the added side effect is for all of you guys who don't even possess the basic requirements for attractiveness outlined above. Studies have found that during ovulation a woman is less picky about the men she sleeps with, and is more likely to have sex with multiple partners.
Victim of constant ovulation?
The trick of course is how to find out if said woman is ovulating, since if you're smooth enough to work that into a conversation, you are also probably smooth enough to pick her up the old-fashioned way. Try complimenting how unusually huge her boobs look and go from there.
And don't forget to check out History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives. Or find out why we're better at give relationship advice than Cosmo, in 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital.
Nightmarish villains with superhuman enhancements. An all-seeing social network that tracks your every move. A young woman from the trailer park and her very smelly cat. Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, a new novel about futuristic shit, by David Wong.