And finally, once you've hit it and quit it, you can take the time for some introspection with the game's "look at yourself in the mirror and think about what you've just done" simulator.
Sony Computer Entertainment
"Ugh, I should have gone square, circle, L1, shake controller sideways. Idiot."
Dragon Age -- Accidental Public Boning
Dragon Age is a classic fantasy role playing game set in a deep and colorful world as unique as every other game that involves dwarves and elves ... except with more public boning, because this game has lots of it. The amount of boning you do here is at your discretion (just like real life), but you don't always get a say in the locale. Let's say, for instance, that you're resting by a campfire when you get invited to spend some private time inside someone else's tent:
"Or I could just help you pitch one of your own."
After a while, you realize that this is a game developer's idea of "flirting" and agree to raise your tent inside her tent. Or his tent. This game offers a variety of potential sexual matchups, even between different species, but to each their own. The problem is that, after so much tent talk, your dwarf with a braided beard and the elf dude you seduced (if we know our audience) will end up doing it right in the open:
"Just be glad there isn't a circus dwarf joining in too."
See those plants? Well, you shouldn't. In some cases you can even see the bonfire right behind the characters as they bump uglies. Then the love scene ends and you realize the horror -- as you two rolled around butt naked, the other members of your party were right there all along, presumably coughing loudly or glancing at their fresh bag of marshmallows with a look of frustrated disappointment.
"Uh, you guys want to roast some weenies or something?"
So now you have to go through the rest of the game mutually avoiding eye contact not only with your one-night stand, but with every other fellow warrior in your group who's supposed to have your back. That's how you get killed by dragons, people.
You can read more from Mark, and watch the sex scene he starred in for Grand Theft Auto V, at his website. Eric and his brother Kevin write about all of their virtual and meat world bone sessions at Donuts for Sharks.
Related Reading: Bad graphics and crudely animated breasts aren't the only sex-related problems in modern gaming, the entire hobby is riddled with more maladaptive eroticism than a bus full of sex offenders. Fortunately (or perhaps tragically) video games are about to get a lot more fuckable, starting with Microsoft's Kinect. If you're shamefully aroused after all that, why not take a look at these geeky sex toys followed by a cold, regretful shower.