A female longlegs is capable of carrying sperm from many different males at the same time. However, she can only choose one to make babies from. So, in what would be an amazing season of The Bachelorette if it weren't a bunch of spiders fucking, the female chooses whose sperm gets the go-ahead based on who pleasures her the most.
To pull this off, the male sticks his pedipalps inside of her and starts squeezing out sperm. A pedipalp, by the way, is an extra leg with a dick at the end hanging out near the spider's mouth. Hey, we didn't invent spiders, so please direct all your questions to evolution. The female responds by stroking her own, presumably dickless, pedipalp against her fangs, making a sound like squeaking leather.
Squeaking leather, conveniently, gets him hot.
The squeak isn't just the sound of palp against flesh; it's designed to help the male adjust his squeezes to her liking. In short, she's directing him. If he squeezes just right and changes things up enough to keep her satisfied, then his seed will slip all the way in, and hundreds and hundreds of little tiny spider offspring shall be sired.
If he's too rough or slow, though, then she'll squeak insistently until he softens up a tad and gets his rhythm right. If he doesn't listen, the female will reject his sperm and send him on his way. And if this happens, he'd better hope she doesn't squawk about it to her single girlfriends.
Black Vultures Beat the Crap Out of Home Wreckers
Ron Chapple studios/Photos.com
No one likes a cheater. If you're caught fooling around behind your lover's back, expect to be ostracized by their friends at best, and get the absolute snot beaten out of you at worst. Our success rate with fidelity may be spotty, but we still bristle when somebody breaks whatever vows and promises they made to another. And it turns out we're not alone in that regard; black vultures abhor cheating, too, and will go to incredible (and incredibly violent) lengths to ensure that philanderers receive their just due.
Tom Brakefield/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Philanderers lose all rights to use "black vulture" as their comic book villain or band name.
Yes, ugly, disgusting vultures actually mate for life, a practice that at least 50 percent of us sincerely believe in. But plenty of species do that, so what makes the vulture so special? Well, they take their monogamy extremely seriously. When Mom or Dad takes part in some good ol'-fashioned home wrecking and the other vultures find out, the entire group delivers an intense ass-whooping on the philanderer. And vulture beatings are no joke under normal circumstances, like fighting over roadkill. When getting violent ensures that players stop playing, you can be sure the beatings are extra vicious.
Why do they do this? Well, raising a black vulture chick requires both parents to actively participate, and not just because it's really hard for one parent to properly bestow the wisdom behind flying around in a circle and waiting for dinner to die. A vulture egg must be sat on by both parents, alternating every 24 hours. In addition, both parents share feeding responsibilities for the first year, making single parenting all but impossible in Vultureland. So cheaters aren't just being dicks, they're actively putting children's lives in grave danger. And as we well know, if there's one thing a vulture values, it's life.
When he's not revealing the secrets of animal sex, Mr. Yee reveals the secrets of the universe in his daily fortune cookie. He also sells T-shirts that you want to buy. E. Reid Ross is a columnist at Man Cave Daily and defiles comics with a few friends over at RealToyGun.com.
Related Reading: Sex in the animal kingdom isn't always this familiar. Take the female sand beetle. She can't have sex without destroying her genitals. It gets worse: giraffes are all about giving each other golden showers. If that's quite enough sleaze for you for one day, why not wind down and read about how some spiders give each other back-rubs.