Shockingly, Marie eventually got fed up of people idolizing her father's man-stalk. Leaving Paris, she took it with her to Buenos Aires and finally California. After her death in the '70s, an author and Rasputin expert acquired Marie's possessions, including her father's penis in a velvet bag. In 1994, the dong was sold at a London auction for a paltry $640. We can't make up our minds whether that was the best or the worst deal in history.
We'd have cut off a horse's penis and pretended it was Rasputin's.
After a decade of unknown (but presumably sexually horrifying) adventures, the wang reared its wrinkly brined head again in a Russian museum of erotica. It was now strangely withered and blackened, and someone had seen fit to pickle it, but it still measured an intimidating 12 inches.
Hobo musk, indeed.
Necropants. Whooo boy, necropants.
Necropants, or nabrokarstafur in Icelandic, are a stave -- a mystical artifact made of runic magic. They're also easily the most terrifying fashion statement this side of Crocs-with-socks. Sure, they're leather pants made out of a dead man's skin. The name gives away that much. What it doesn't reveal is how much of said skin is included. Hey, here's a replica:
No necroshirts, though. Armpits are disgusting.
Yes, necropants are trousers made from the nether regions of a dead man, up to and including the, ahem, gentleman's region.
If you want to make your own pair -- and we can't imagine why you wouldn't -- the first thing you need is the skin from the lower half of a dead man. Not just any man will do, mind you -- you will need the person's permission to wear half his corpse as yoga pants. Otherwise the magic won't work. Just because you're wearing a man's peeled crotch doesn't mean you can be rude about it, after all.
Erik Snyder/Photodisc/Getty Images
Tell him you want to get in his pants and make magic happen.
Why would you want to do this?
The answer is simple: Necropants come with a magic scrotum pocket. To activate it, run to the nearest old widow and steal a coin from her. Don't worry about getting caught -- your reputation doesn't have much lower to sink after you've started running around town in another man's nut-sheath. Simply place the coin in the scrotum of the necropants and it will magically draw money into the nut sack, giving you access to unlimited pocket change.
Or you could just ask the dude at the bus stop. But that seems awkward. Flayed dong-johns are probably the better way to go.
N. Christie is currently traveling the world to determine once and for all what the Seven Wonders of the World really are. You can read more from Kyle on Twitter.
Related Reading: Speaking of crazy things done with dead bodies, check out the smoked corpses of Papua New Guinea. And if taxidermied animal art is more your speed, give a look to these man-faced cheetahs. Think Cracked doesn't have more insulting attempts to honor the dead? Think again.