You know what's missing from our comprehensive archive of kickass fossil scenes? Disturbing dead animal pornography.
Dr. Diying Huang via NBC News
Jurassic flies, boning. And now, our amazing journey through prehistory is complete.
Every single animal living on the planet right now is the product of tens of millions of generations playing vigorous sessions of groin-tag. With those numbers, it stands to reason that sometime, somewhere, somehow, a happily humping couple would suddenly die in a compromising position, and we'd duly post their humiliating pictures on the Internet. Here's a pair of turtles who died of asphyxiation while having sex:
Naturmuseum Senckenberg via LiveScience
These aren't actually fossils. Turtles are just a bit slow to finish is all.
Trilobites were the dominant life forms of the Paleozoic seas, and they certainly didn't rise to such incredible numbers without stripping off their shells and engaging in vast, slithering, naked orgies:
University of Cincinnati
If there wasn't already a bizarre "-philia" for this kind of thing, we probably just inspired one.
So out of all these fucking fossils, which one takes the crown as the definitive voyeuristic glimpse of the sex that time forgot? To answer this question, we turn to Dorion Sagan, son of "The" Carl Sagan, who waxes erotic on the world's first recorded ejaculation in his book Death and Sex:
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"Another sample of rock, sliced thin and observed with a microscope, shows Aglaophyton's antheridium, its male sex organ -- filled with sperm cells ready to explode. Here, preserved by chance, with neither compromised actors nor moral qualm, is a geographic equivalent of the 'money shot' of pornographic films -- an ejaculation event 140,000 times older than Homer's Odyssey, 400 times older than the human species, and almost as old as the appearance of animals in the fossil record."
We couldn't possibly have put it any better than Mr. Sagan, so we'll just add this single word in closing: ew.
Mr. Yee plans to leave behind an epic fossil when he dies. In the meantime, he writes the Internet's largest daily fortune cookie and sells awesome T-shirts.
Related Reading: Some prehistoric monsters are still around, like the lamprey (AKA condom full of teeth). For a look at the weird directions human evolution could have taken, read this article and learn about our Hobbit cousins. And did you know the Loch Ness monster might have been a Plesiosaur? It makes sense.