The 5 Most Horrific Sex Scenes in Fan Fiction History
Erotic Internet fan fiction is a sexual hobo stew; ingredients that normally have no business being within a hundred miles of each other are mixed together anyway, with a resulting product that makes no sense to anybody but its delusional creator.
The Internet never tires of connecting two unrelated worlds through the power of creepy, awful love, just like we never tire of snarking about these horrifying concoctions. So, once again, here are some stories that should win a Nobel Prize for discovering the long-term benefits of the universe's eventual heat death.
Slimer Rapes Sam from Transformers, While Wolverine and Jean Grey Have Scat Sex With a Ghostbuster
The setup for this Transformers/X-Men/Ghostbusters sex story isn't all that much worse than any of the actual Transformers movies: Sam Witwicky, Shia LaBeouf's character, is suffering from the earliest midlife crisis in history. After the Transformers bring peace to Earth, Sam finds himself unemployed, out of money, and too last-year's-hero to find a hot girlfriend. So he skips town and joins the Ghostbusters, because it's not like they haven't done anything in 30 years.
His first mission takes him to the Sedgwick Hotel, where he encounters Slimer, the annoyingly wacky green ghost who was the designated comic relief in a movie starring Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd.
Look how serious these guys are. You need to break that tension or the movie gets unbearable.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
A mere six lines into A New Shade of Green, we get this:
When he found Slimer, (and boy did he ever) he had his ghostly cock out. He was pissing on the room service!
What follows is Slimer unveiling a 3-foot cock, which grows to over 4 feet when hard. He proceeds to rape Sam and then hit him when he dares to cry out Bumblebee's name. Sam naturally decides he loves all of this, because in the world of fan fiction, it is very common for one's sexual horizons to be broadened via some kind of horrific assault. To the author's credit, he at least realizes that Slimer is an asshole lover:
"Wait, that's my lube!"
To Slimer, this squishy meat bag was just a moving fleshlight. No need to care for his wants, his desires. Only Slimers.
Eventually, Slimer completely mutates into a 6-foot penis; no body, just a cock. Also, they're doing anal, which leaves "Sam's asshole ... as large as his head." By this point, Sam is rapidly losing blood and begging for death, which is silly, because Slimer would probably end up fucking him in the afterlife, too.
Meanwhile, Janet, a worker at Ghostbusters Headquarters who did not exist before this thing was written, has sex with a mysterious woman who just showed up and got naked. This is barely connected to the Sam/Slimer tale, and it almost feels like a whole other story tacked on by the author to satisfy some imaginary word count requirement. Soon the two girls are joined by Steve from accounting, who "was actually named Logan. He preferred Wolverine, however." The woman then reveals herself as Jean Grey. What we're saying is that erotic Internet fan fiction is a magical world where anything is possible.
Note to Editor: Everyone on the layout team is refusing to replace his claws with dildos.
So anyway, now the X-Men are involved in this mess. Then Jean Grey shits into Janet's mouth, Janet eats it, Wolverine literally fills the entire room with shit, and the three suffocate and drown, neatly tying up this story's one and only loose end.
Soon afterward, the government receives an anonymous tip from a dying Sam to nuke not only New York City, but Stillwater, a minor Nevada town used in one Transformers comic back in 2003. Of course, they immediately act on this tip and completely obliterate both cities, leaving "no survivors." And that, friends, is how you end a goddamn story.
Twilight's Bella and Edward Turn The Price Is Right into Their Personal Sexopolis
Bella Swan and Edward Cullen already fuck like beasts in Twilight, so why bother wasting precious bandwidth on yet another erotic fan fiction romp? Well, in Studio 33, literally everything you reluctantly know about the two is thrown out the window in favor of turning Bella into a game show model and Edward into Drew fucking Carey.
Yes, he's still named Edward, but he's no longer a brooding vampire; he's the new host of The Price Is Right, immediately succeeding Bob Barker, who in real life is more of an immortal undead bloodsucker than Edward ever was. Bella presents Edward with a very specific sexual fantasy: She wants to fuck him on set while playing an X-rated version of the game. Like Bob didn't think of that first.
Hell, it looks like Drew came close to doing it right there on the air.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
As you read on, however, you realize that this is not Bella and Edward porn at all: This is 100 percent The Price Is Right porn where somebody has inserted the Twilight cast in a cynical move to make it more marketable. The characters display precisely none of the personality traits that made them so unique-ish in the original books. They could have been literally any other characters on the planet, because the point is not to imagine Edward and Bella in bed; it's to get your rocks off to the idea of sexy Plinko.
And yes, they absolutely play that, with the Plinko chips all displaying sexual acts on the back, to be performed by Edward should Bella avoid the $0 slots on the board. Which, naturally, she does, though we still feel she got cheated. The chip that landed in the $10,000 slot simply says "pick the position of your choice." She should've demanded the money instead.
Careful, Grandma. One of those slots wins you a brand new case of herpes.
It's not just Plinko, though: Edward creates an entire episode of the show from scratch, just for Bella. There's fake applause, lights, prizes, and even Rich the announcer calling her down to Contestant's Row (we assume he was in the studio, watching all of this). Rich, for the record, is the only current guy from the show to be mentioned by name. So if he does nothing else in life, he at least has that on his resume.
Every game they play is built around sex, such as Hole in One, where the number of "mind-blowing orgasms" that Edward gives Bella depends on how quickly she can sink a putt-putt ball. And of course, since we're doing The Price Is Right porn, the game-related puns are even more prevalent than the fucking:
"Mmmhmm, he'll be begging me to 'come on down' all right."
"I bet you, Edward, could make a Hole in One."
"Think of it as my parting gift."
"You are rising faster than the Alpine hiker."
"Oh, Bella, you and your Price Is Right related sexual innuendos. What's next?" He pointed down to between his legs before continuing on, "Going to call him Rod Roddy?"
Let's face it -- there's an excellent chance that Roddy had countless volumes of these stories in a vault somewhere.
In the end, it's revealed that somebody recorded their tryst on a cellphone and sold the footage to a celebrity tabloid show (don't pretend you wouldn't watch a celebrity sex tape if it featured them boning under the Plinko board).
Cookie Monster and Clay from Sons of Anarchy Bond Over Cookies
The beginning of Cookies Like Crack showcases the residents of Sesame Street staging an intervention, having finally tired of Cookie Monster's 40-year-plus cookie addiction. Rather than confront his demons, Cookie leaves Sesame Street and moves to California, where he meets Clay Morrow, the drug-dealing, murderous ex-president of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club. They bond over cookies and milk, because even hardened, murderous bikers need a Toll House break every now and then.
And from a sexual tension standpoint, nothing says "sexy" like ... Ron Perlman?
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Clay's head resting against the soft, furry expanse of Cookie's chest, and Cookie's hand on the man's shoulder, Baby Bear's blanket nestled between them.
Well, here we go. Sex between a biker and a big blue sock is about to commence. This is Baby Bear, by the way:
So yeah, it's not just a name. Cookie Monster and Clay Morrow are about to fuck on a toddler's blankie. At least Cookie can excuse the wet spots as leftover drool, whenever he gets around to returning it.
And then we get the dirty talk, if you can call it that:
"Clay want this?"
"Yes, Cookie, I want this," he assures the monster, smiling and raising his ass up in the air.
Well. Clay Morrow, grade-A badass, not at all the man to mess with, is playing bottom to a puppet. But at least Cookie cares enough to prepare him for the big snickerdoodle:
Insert dick here.
When Cookie inserts one of his thick fingers -- coated in some kind of cooking oil -- into his virgin hole, the stretch burns more than he'd ever imagined it would and he almost begs Cookie to stop.
Cooking oil in the ass, in case you were wondering, is quite risky, as it can melt the latex in a condom and possibly break it. Of course, if Cookie's going bareback (it's never specified), then rock out with your chocolate chips out, we guess.
Then they fuck, and ... hey, did you know that Cookie Monster has a large cock? You do now; good luck dreaming about anything else tonight. After Cookie is done flopping around -- we literally cannot think of another way to describe a piece of cloth having sex -- he "flops down beside [Clay] and drapes a soft fuzzy arm over him protectively. Clay sidles closer, savoring the shared heat between them." And now you'll never be able to enjoy an afterglow again.
Get this monster a towel.
Honestly, we're a little disappointed in the writer here. They had one chance to effectively paint a picture of Cookie Monster porking a grizzled old biker dude, and they never once had him stick his face in the biker's ass and go "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM." We expect better than that from our anonymous fictional smut peddlers.
The Residents of Eureka Shack Up With Anatomically Correct SWAT Kats
Eureka is a show about a town full of mad scientists doing wacky experiments. The SWAT Kats are crime-fighting alien cat people. Eureka Kats is their epic tale of erotic adventure. And we (sadly) do mean epic.
It's a typical day in the neighborhood when the scientists notice a strange aircraft in the sky above. When the craft lands, it turns out to be piloted by Jake Clawson and Chance Furlong, two SWAT Kats who suffer from both chemical exposure and Chronic Punny Name Syndrome. The Kats are quarantined while Beverly, the town psychiatrist, watches them take a chemical shower together.
Yes, we're talking about these guys.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
When we say these Kats are anatomically correct, we mean that in the worst possible way:
She hadn't been able to notice the barbs they'd mentioned on either of them; clearly they weren't that prominent, at least not from a distance.
Yes, their penises are spiky and barbed, much like a real cat's. Why the author felt the need to include this, we have no clue. They talk like humans, walk on two legs, and can turn on a goddamned faucet with their paws. They're already so unlike real cats that the "K" was probably added to their name by order of the Better Business Bureau. They didn't need the spiky penises at all. And yet, here we are.
"Hey, don't look at me. A human wrote this shit."
Beverly and the rest of the town quickly fall under the Kats' sexual spell, as we get human-Kat pairing after human-Kat pairing. Oh, and if the idea of human-Kat sex is too much for you, there's plenty of Kat-Kat sex too, which is far friendlier to the soul:
"Ohhh, yeah," Jake shuddered, his hands tightening around Chance's hips before he shifted his attention to the full erection near his muzzle. He took his cock into his mouth and slowly licked the musky length, getting off on the scent and taste nearly as much as what Chance was doing to him.
This goes on for 30 chapters, and 390,000 words. For comparison's sake, that's roughly 100,000 more words than in the first three Harry Potter books combined. This isn't just fanfic; this is someone's bloody opus. It takes 7,000 of those words to even hint at sex, which means the author felt that Kats fucking people with spiky kat kocks required tons of backstory to properly ease us into it. Trust us, that only made it weirder.
But really, you have to make the reader feel that feline anal fetish.
A Giant Squid Brings Hogwarts Castle to Orgasm
Hogwarts sighed and it echoed within his empty halls.
The first line of First Encounter was not meant to be metaphorical. No, Hogwarts Castle literally just sighed. Because it's alive, you see, and very, very lonely. The students have left for the summer, and silence enters its halls. If it weren't for the fact that we're talking about a bunch of bricks, it'd be positively heartbreaking.
You know who else is lonely? The giant squid that occupies the Black Lake surrounding the castle. Unbelievably, this writer gives the squid a backstory, other than being, you know, a goddamned squid. "His huge eyes stared mournfully at his very large tentacles. At one time, he had dreams of being an actor." But those dreams were never quite realized, and the squid needed something else to pass the time. One guess what it chose to do.
A castle. It chose to do a castle.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Hogwarts watched the giant squid approach and felt apprehension well up in his kitchen. "What are you doing?"
"Just trust me," the giant squid replied, caressing Hogwarts' outerwalls.
"I'm not ready!" Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with his magic.
"Hogwarts, you're lonely, I'm lonely. We don't have to be. Besides, you can't go around manipulating your staircases."
"You know about that!"
"Everyone does it. Sort of."
Why yes, a giant squid IS seducing a castle, complete with a masturbation joke that will make you quiver with nausea the next time you go down a flight of stairs. Honestly, it's very tempting to just post the entire, completely batshit story here, but we'll try to restrain ourselves. Unlike the squid.
GAH! NO! WHY?!
"I'll go slow. I promise." He began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him. He relaxed, allowing the tentacle inside, where it brushed against the inner walls before settling on the stone floor. He fastened the suction cups to the floor, lifting the tentacle away so that it pulled on the floor without losing its grip.
We cannot stress enough that this is a giant squid pleasuring a building, and once again we have the element of "Sure, it starts out as sexual assault, but then he realized he loved it!" We're so confused, we don't even know if we should be offended.
Hogwarts could take them all, he knew he could. But what would the other wizarding schools think? Would Beauxbatons allow a giant squid to violate her? Certainly not! If Durmstrang ever found out, there'd be no end of teasing.
Well, maybe if she'd get a little squid action herself from time to time, she'd loosen up.
Holy fucking shit. We'll bet you never realized, in the years you spent enjoying Harry Potter, that Hogwarts was this freakin' self-conscious. Or that all the other castles were alive, and gossiped like a bunch of teenage girls.
Oh hey, remember the squid's dreams of becoming an actor? Well:
He really should have done this ages ago. Every tentacle was in a different window. No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies she made, could hold all 10 tentacles at once.
Of course this writer included a hentai joke. But nothing, absolutely nothing on this Earth, can prepare you for the description of a sentient castle being brought to orgasm:
Nice try -- it's text, dipshit.
Water shot out of faucets, toilets overflowed and bread set in ovens to keep warm by thoughtful house-elves exploded. Hogwarts shook violently to his foundations, rousing Filch from bed and sending house-elves and Mrs. Norris scrambling for cover.
Wait, there was still staff in the building when all this was going on? Holy shit! This simultaneously ruined our ability to ever enjoy Harry Potter, sea life, and working in buildings. Thanks, fanfic!
Eric and his twin brother manage the webcomic/blog Donuts for Sharks. Think we missed some insane stories? Let us know in the comments!
Related Reading: What, you want more terrifying erotic fan fiction? Please seek medical help immediately. Just in case you're still a few thousand words short of rock bottom, read about the time Indiana Jones fucked Lord Voldemort. Follow up with Snape nailing all the Teletubbies and Santa-Edward screwing Bella from Twilight. Then go take a shower, you pervert.