Accidental Game Glitches Funnier Than Most Intentional Jokes
Video games involve millions of lines of code written by sleep-deprived people, so it isn't that surprising when the occasional bug pops up during a game of Skyrim. Sometimes these glitches are accidentally terrifying. Other times, they become defining features of the game. And still other times, they serve no purpose but to break the game's universe in hilarious ways. For example ...
Watch Dogs: Characters Will Make Out With The Air
Watch Dogs was an overhyped Grand Theft Auto clone that achieved infamy for having more problems at launch than a North Korean missile. Its AI was constantly doing insane, unexplainable things, traffic accidents sometimes shot cars into the stratosphere, and the physics would often turn dead bodies into nightmarish spasming zombies. Possibly the funniest glitch, however, was the player's ability to cockblock.
As you stalk through the streets of Chicago, you encounter all kinds of random NPCs, including couples who make out in public. You can make them stop in the game the same way you can in real life: by throwing something at them. If you hit the girl, she runs away. She doesn't look around to get details; she just flees. The guy, on the other hand, doesn't even notice. He'll remain in the same spot, caressing and tonguing the area where she once was (again, just like real life).
"You're so great, air. My last girlfriend was human and she was crazy.
She just ran into traffic whenever bricks hit her."
If you throw enough bricks at enough women, you can turn the entire population of downtown Chicago into men locked in passionate embraces with ghosts. If you're lucky, you may even find a guy sucking face with a wall while murmuring creepy, slurp-filled sweet nothings.
"As Mother always says, practice makes perfect."
But really, 90 percent of this game's entertainment value lies in its rich tapestry of hilarious glitches. If you ever become tired of watching guys slobber on imaginary women, you can always convince the citizens of Chicago to form their own car pileups. See, when you use your hacking skills to raise a bridge, the AI drivers all become varying degrees of suicidal. Some do it fast, others more slowly, but all of them make it their mission to drive off the bridge and into an exploding mass grave. It's almost as if no one wants to live in a world populated entirely by men making out with themselves.
"No just god would allow this."
Metal Gear Solid 3: You Can Make Your Character Vomit, Forever
In Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, the protagonist, Snake, needs to constantly eat. You can feed him any creatures you find as you're crawling from murder to murder -- birds, frogs, and, of course, snakes. However, Snake will get sick if he eats something too disgusting, hunching over and vomiting up white chunks of endangered fauna. You can also make him sick by going into your menu and spinning his 3D model around too many times. The point is, Snake spends a lot of his sneaking missions violently screaming food into the underbrush.
Well, mostly into the underbrush.
One glitch can cause Snake to puke forever, which is both a great way to lose weight and a haunting piece of psychological warfare to unleash on your enemies.
"Why *BARF* does it *BARF* taste like *BARF* fettuccine Alfredo!?!"
If you're a henchman in the Metal Gear world, you're absolutely expecting to find 50 or 60 of your unconscious or dead friends when you clean out the lockers at the end of your shift at the secret doom base. What you're not ready for is a small lake of half-digested tree frog parts. You'll be wondering who did it and what god would allow it while you mop, and that might be all the edge Snake needs.
It's also a great way to tell sleeping enemies to fuck themselves.
Players have spent hours elaborately puking on enemies, creeping up to surprise them with a spray of vomit and then throwing them face-first into the puddle while they're still desperately struggling to process what is being done to them. Whether or not you have ever been required to sing a pasta-themed birthday song at the Olive Garden, we can all agree there is no job more humiliating than being a guard in Metal Gear Solid.
GoldenEye: You Can Add Random Explosions To Any Cutscene
By today's standards, Nintendo 64's GoldenEye 007 looks like grainy footage of overinflated sex dolls, but in 1997 the graphics were somewhere between ugly and adequate. The gameplay, though, was groundbreaking. The four-player split screen changed the way you screamed at your friends. The Golden Gun was feared by players all across the world. Oddjob's overpowered dwarfism destroyed relationships. The game is so beloved, players are still unearthing new discoveries, and skilled modders are still finding ways to improve it.
If you've ever played the game, you might remember the remote mine, a weapon you could use to set an explosive trap for your enemies or forever doom a sleepover to bitter silence by placing them on your friend's respawn point. Well, some silly gamers found a way to use those remote mines for the power of good. In the single player campaign, every level ends with a brief cutscene of James Bond doing something glibly awesome, like strolling out of a secret bunker. Those cutscenes weren't rendered separately from the game -- so if you tossed a remote mine right before ending the level, you could add absurdly gratuitous explosions to any cutscene, to hilarious effect.
You see, Bond is completely immune to the explosions, but absolutely no one else is. As you watch with barely contained glee, the other digital performers try to execute the task they were programmed for, and then BOOM -- their polygons are knocked off script and sometimes off the universe. Say for instance you've just rescued Natalya, the GoldenEye Bond Girl. In a normal playthrough, the game would show the two of you running down a hallway and posing for the camera. But when you add a surprise landmine to that, Natalya gets blasted into a smoldering heap while Bond stands in the flames, making a huge display of not giving any kind of shit. It sounds like you're just making a giant mess out of the story, but trust us: It's better this way.
"You're a woman of many parts, Natalya. Many burning, scattered parts."
This glitch isn't only great for helping Bond break up with his girlfriend. It can also take his badassery to new heights. There's a scene in the game where the Russians have taken 007 prisoner, and you are helpless to do anything as he is escorted away. Unless, of course, you decorated the area with remote mines earlier.
"I guess I'm at your mercy, gentlemen. What's that? Oh, are you assholes not immune to explosions?"
In the last bonus mission of the game, El-Saghira Temple, Bond goes up against Baron Samedi. The Baron is filled with Voodoo magic, so he's almost impossible to kill. And you probably know enough about Voodoo to know that even if you do kill him, he just pops right back to life. This starts a cutscene where he mocks you, and you're forced to sit there and watch as he breaks into maniacal laughter. Well, an expertly placed remote mine takes the wind out of his top hat.
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to d- aiieee!"
Sleeping Dogs: You Can Kidnap Random People And Make Them Watch You Pee
In Sleeping Dogs, you play an undercover Hong Kong cop, and it is entirely up to you whether or not you are a good one. For instance, you can kidnap people and make them watch you urinate, if that's your thing. It sounds like this would require a secret code or an elaborate setup, but it 100 percent does not. You can simply open up your apartment door, grab the nearest person by their neck, and drag them back into your bathroom. Important note: They will hate this.
"Relax, lady. I'm a cop. Now make some waterfall sounds, if you don't mind."
Next, let them go and quickly close the bathroom door. Nothing baffles a video game NPC more than a closed door, so while they may do many panic-driven things, precisely none of them will be opening the door and leaving. From there, it's just a matter of peeing a lovingly rendered stream of pee into a filthy toilet created by someone who probably went to years of art school and always dreamed of making video games. When you think about it, there's so much sadness that led to this moment, it's almost hard to enjoy watching a terrified kidnap victim dart back and forth through your pee stream. Almost.
Forza 3: The Other Drivers Randomly Forget How To Drive
Forza Motorsport is Microsoft's detailed racing simulation game, and if that sounds boring to you, you're not alone. Forza 3 is in fact so boring that it bores itself to sleep. You may see a computer-controlled driver suddenly, and for no reason, pass out at the wheel.
"Maybe driving into the other cars will wake me up."
This is a racing game that goes to extreme lengths for realism, so it's possible this is working as intended. Maybe each driver is programmed with a complicated personal life and this one was up all night arguing with his wife, or a magic amulet swapped his body with his son's and he's in some classroom comically misunderstanding teen slang. We'll never know. This driver, though, is probably just drunk.
Game-changing quantum algorithms calculate the level of ineptitude based on
the AI driver's choice of whiskey and how much bread he had for dinner.
In the fifth Forza installment, the AI seems programmed to freak the fuck out if it ever goes off the track. The moment their tires hit grass, they go from "tiger-eyed driver" to "crying child stuck in malfunctioning bumper boat."
"I've got thi- I DON'T GOT THIS! I DON'T FUCKING GOT THIS!"
Paradoxically, the most entertaining thing about the Forza series isn't playing the games; it's watching the games struggle to play themselves.
Mafia II: Characters Cannot Stop Peeing
Yep. This one is about piss again.
Mafia II is a sandbox game with a Godfather theme, only without the copyright. And like Sleeping Dogs, it tasked a group of talented artists and programmers to allow the player to take a piss. They also got some voice actors involved, because if anyone happens to be nearby when you unleash the pee command, your character becomes very chatty. For instance, if a janitor is cleaning the urinal next to you, you might casually threaten him, because that's what mobsters do when they pee. This game thought a lot about peeing, is the point.
Urinating in the real world generally requires at least two steps: You need to find a modestly concealed spot with a socially acceptable receptacle to receive your piss. It's not as complicated in Mafia II. In this game, characters just let it fly, and they will not stop regardless of what happens to them. Even if they're getting hit in the spine by your baseball bat.
"Hey! Hey! You know I can't stop once I start!"
The poor NPCs are not programmed with the ability to pinch it off, so if you catch someone peeing, you can squat in front of their stream or start a gunfight, and it will all play out with a steady line of urine coming out of them. No matter what happens, they will not stop peeing.
"I'm trapped in a very specific nightmare!"
Right now the industry is teasing us with the possibilities of virtual reality. Well, once they've got the real Matrix set up, guess what: We're just going to use it to do shit like this.
Let's keep this information train barreling with 6 Accidentally Awesome Glitches In Famous Video Games and 6 Hidden Glitches That Make Famous Video Games Way Better.
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