About 40 million years after the sun was born, the inner solar system became the scene of a turf war between giant piles of rocks. Just as baby Earth was figuring out how to poop in a toilet, a planetoid five times the size of fucking Mars slammed straight into us. That runaway planet even had a name -- Theia.
University of Copenhagen via Spacefellowship.com
And it was a dick.
Once Theia hit the Earth, the shit hit the fan. The planet's iron core smacked us so hard that it eventually melded with our own core. Chunks of both planets catapulted into space. Yeah, Bruce Willis couldn't have saved us from that shit.
Those orbiting chunks of Theia and Earth eventually made sweet love to each other and never got unglued. And that's how we got the moon. Some scientists speculate that it only took a month after the initial impact for the moon to come together. When it's right, it's right, you know?
Thinkstock Images/Comstock/Getty Images
You can't see it, but there's a boombox orbiting the moon and blasting Peter Gabriel.