A Man Mistakes a Porno for Sexual Assault, Comes to the Rescue
James Van Iveren was minding his own business in the apartment he shares with his mother when he heard the telltale sounds of a woman being attacked coming from the floor above him. Luckily, every action movie from the early '90s had taught him precisely what to do in this situation -- Van Iveren grabbed his cavalry sword (evidently he used to be a soldier in the 19th century) and went blazing upstairs to kick in the door of his neighbor's apartment and rescue the distressed woman. After all, justice won't wait, fortune favors the bold, and he couldn't call the police because he didn't own a functioning telephone.
Rescuing damsels in distress is more of a Mountie thing anyway.
So, he exploded through the locked door of Bret Stieghorst's apartment, brandishing an antique but still very stab-worthy sword, to discover that there was nobody there but Stieghorst. The man had simply been watching some thunderously loud pornography, and Van Iveren had mistaken the cries of a furious prerecorded orgasm for the desperate pleas of a woman in danger. The only thing being assaulted in Stieghorst's apartment was his penis.
How much volume do you really need for porn?
However, Van Iveren was brimming with too much avenging gallantry to immediately accept his mistake. He stood his ground and refused to leave until Stieghorst showed him every room in the apartment to prove that it was indeed empty and then played the clip from the porno DVD that had triggered Van Iveren's spider sense in the first place to prove that it was in fact a porno he had heard.
"Now step out of the room for, like, 10 minutes or I'm calling the police."