In the experiment, a genetically altered version of the herpes virus was injected into cancerous cells, exposing them to a super-mutant variant of herpes that destroyed the cancer from the inside out. The altered virus didn't spread to healthy cells and simultaneously acted as an immune system whistle-blower, alerting the body's immune cells to the cancer's presence. From then on, things played out like the bathroom fight scene from The Warriors, with cancer playing the part of the roller-skating gang member who gets back-flipped into a toilet.
The researchers stress that the treatment is most effective if cancer is detected in its early stages, but out of their initial test group of 17 patients, only two experienced a relapse after being dosed with Ultra Herpes. While their group consisted only of patients with head and neck cancer (which includes cancer of the mouth and throat), they are confident that herpes might one day be used to fight all types of cancer. The technique is currently being tested on skin cancer and even breast cancer, which has the potential to lead to some of the most disquieting pickup lines ever belched out by drunken STD farms.