5 Horribly Misguided Attempts at Teaching Lessons Creatively

The "special someones" in question turned out to be the students' own parents, who weren't blindfolded, were in on the joke, and willingly made out with their own children. In front of the entire school. On purpose. Go back and read that again, we'll wait.

Back? OK good, because here's a video of the pep rally that will make each and every one of you horribly uncomfortable for the rest of the day. There is groping, tongue-sucking, and rolling around on the floor in amorous embraces, which is excusable for the clueless students, but terrifying for the adults when you consider that they're deliberately dry humping their own children. There's something deeply unsettling about a 40-year-old man striding across a basketball court in front of a ringing chorus of people to grab his blindfolded teenage daughter by the head and begin tenderly kissing her on the mouth.

One woman actually takes her son's hand, as they're making out, and puts it on her own ass, like they're filming a John Waters movie.

After the video went viral, the principal of the school issued a formal apology, admitting that the event may have been poorly conceived. He was quick to mention that no complaints had been received from the students or the parents involved in the incest pep rally, which, considering how willingly the parents in question participated, probably just means that there isn't a phone in the windowless basement those students are chained up in.

As this is Canada, where you are never farther than 11 feet from a moose at any given time, it was only a matter of time before one of the responsible adults found a big pile of Bullwinkle doo, although it's possible that the chaperones simply brought the doo from home.

Either way, they placed it all in a plastic bag and offered it to the campers as chocolate-covered almonds, a description that we admit is not entirely false. One boy plopped (zing!) an "almond" into his mouth, only to be immediately told that it was the anal bullet of a forest creature. A female student messily chewed her moose nugget and got it stuck in her braces, causing her to throw up violently while the adults (remember, this includes the school principal and two teachers) had a ripping good laugh. One of them actually attempted to console her by saying that since moose eat grass, the poop was technically a healthy snack, which you may recognize as some of the most untrue words that have ever been spoken in the history of time.

The two prank victims were taken to the hospital to be treated for possible bacterial infection, and the three faculty members were suspended, which is a word that puzzlingly looks nothing like "fired."

Please note that each office is appointed by the student body, rather than just having those interested in running try to campaign for the support of their peers, which is totally how it's done in every other school that isn't completely insane. The result is a sort of racial draft that not only chooses to reduce the children's ethnic and cultural backgrounds down to two embarrassingly generic terms (either "black" or "white"), but also completely ignores any students who don't necessarily fit into either group.

When a mother of four interracial children complained after learning that one of her daughters was unable to run for any office (as she was neither "black" nor "white"), she was informed that the school had done elections this way for over 30 years, which you may notice is less a justification and more just restating the problem. The baffling policy had been implemented as a way to ensure diversity and participation in school politics -- the old "fight racism with racism" angle, with some "force kids to do things they have no interest in" tacked on for good measure.

The policy was quickly re-evaluated and then eliminated, which is good, because it was terrible and stupid. Although we're unsure if Nettleton school elections are still carried out via conscription, since expecting old-timey racist institutions to stop all the crazy bullshit they do is admittedly asking a bit much.

After almost ten full minutes of hysterically weeping children, everyone was finally led into the school gym and told that "the shooting" was actually a scripted mystery that was now in their hands to solve, sort of like those old "Who Stole Bart's Butterfinger?" ads, only with more gunshot blasts and less candy. The supposedly murdered teacher was fine, and the science lab was still intact. The only things that had actually been harmed were the hundreds of schoolchildren. Some were having vomiting panic attacks, others were acting as impromptu grief counselors for their classmates, and several took to the school's Facebook page (because a Facebook page is totally something that a grade school needs to have) to vent their feelings over the day's events, although judging by the following posted comment, parading a fake murder in front of 11- and 12-year-olds is perhaps not the biggest flaw in Blackminister's curriculum:

"Most of us were soo scared we was cryin!! it was horrible but its gd tht they sed sorry."

The principal responded with the most half-assed apology in the history of the universe, claiming that the students had simply overreacted to watching a man be suddenly shot to death. He pointed out that the only reason for all the fuss was that the "victim" was one of the most well-liked teachers in the school. He then uttered this showstopper verbatim:

"I don't think there would have been as much concern if it was one or two of the others."

That's right -- this man literally said that one or two other teachers could have been murdered in front of the students he is responsible for, and the kids probably wouldn't have given a shit. Because those teachers suck.

While several boys agreed, probably lured by the possibility of finding a bloodstain or a condom full of drugs somewhere in the backseat, one emphatically declined Webb's generous offer. So Webb, demonstrating the wisdom and restraint of both a duly appointed peace officer and a rational adult, drew his Taser and said, "Let me show you what happens to people who do not listen to the police." He then shot the 10-year-old in the chest, leaving the barbs in for the full five-second shock of the expended cartridge.

The boy collapsed and lost consciousness, possibly due to the 50,000 volts of electricity pulsing through his still-too-small-for-most-roller-coasters frame. Realizing that Career Day had just taken a turn for the worse (and that he must have broken a law of some kind), Officer Webb heroically applied precisely none of his emergency responder training and instead carried the boy to the principal's office and left, presumably wearing a fake mustache and sunglasses for the rest of the day to avoid both detection and getting yelled at.

The officer got a whopping three-day suspension for the incident (he insists that the Taser went off by accident), and as you can imagine, the family has filed a lawsuit.

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For more lessons that got waaaay out of hand, check out The 6 Most Horrific Lessons Ever Taught in Elementary School. Or learn about The 10 Most Important Things They Didn't Teach You In School.