When Sonic Unleashed failed to fill the gaming community's pants with excitement, Sega decided to give their struggling mascot guns and a motorcycle and changed his name to that of a cool badass (see "very old man's concept," above).
"I also skateboard. Moms are so uncool, huh, guys?"
Shadow the Hedgehog even sported a new color scheme of red and black, which is the universal war paint of one who does not suffer any bullshit. He zoomed across blasted landscapes, belching hot lead at odious demons with a handgun the size of his entire body while cursing out rude quips, and this was based on a game about a smiling blue hedgehog that runs fast and rescues forest creatures.
In keeping with the darker theme, Tails was retconned to be a date rapist.
It's as if Sega doesn't know what to do with Sonic unless he's trying to mimic the success of another series. Ironically, if they'd stuck to copying Mario, they would've just made the exact same game over and over again for the past 27 years.
Chris Snipes writes specifically for your very needs at All Geeks Rejoice, and you can join him on many adventures through Facebook and Twitter.
For more video game insanity, check out 6 Baffling Early Prototypes of Your Favorite Video Games and The 6 Most Absurdly Difficult Video Game Puzzles.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Dirty Truth About 'Finding Nemo.'
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