11 Old War Photographs You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped

This is not a still from some old "What if the Nazis win the war?" propaganda film. That is a real, undoctored photo of an American classroom.

You see, Hitler ruined several perfectly good things forever -- tiny mustaches, the swastika as a good luck charm, and all hand signals that look anything like the "Heil Hitler" salute. But Hitler didn't invent any of them.

For instance, in 1892, Francis Bellamy decided that your average American just wasn't pissing quite enough red, white, and blue. To counter this, he came up with the Pledge of Allegiance, along with a nifty little hand gesture to do while taking the pledge.

Wiki

That's right: For decades, children across America happily heiled the Stars 'n' Stripes in what was then known as the Bellamy salute. Then along came this big, bald bag of dicks:

Wiki

That's Italian Fascist leader Benito Mussolini. When he came to power, he resurrected the so-called Roman salute, and Hitler thought that shit looked so badass that he later adopted it as his own Nazi salute. This caused an obvious conflict when America entered World War II -- we couldn't very well have born-and-bred American kids doing the same salute as the Hitler Youth, and Nazis were notoriously ignorant of the concept of dibs. So during the war, Roosevelt signed off on a new salute proposed by Congress, and placing the right hand over the heart narrowly beat out flying the double bird in Germany's general direction.

As much as that looks like the aftermath of the most cartoonish disaster in military history, it is actually just the product of space-saving efficiency and horrific waste.

Back in the days when countries would actually disarm once the war was over, fighter planes (which were basically useless in peacetime and couldn't be resold for civilian purposes) would just be scrapped. So these Curtiss P-40 Warhawks ($44,892 each to build in 1944 -- that's $590,000 in today's dollars) were scrapped and melted down. To save space as they awaited their fate, the planes were arranged like they'd taken a mass nosedive in perfect formation and somehow stuck neatly in the mud instead of exploding.

Walnut Ridge

Walnut Ridge

This is just a single site: Walnut Ridge airfield in Arkansas. All over the world, there were thousands of planes lined up like this, just begging for some smartass to happen by and play him some warplane dominoes.

But it turns out that Harrow's plight is based on similarly wounded vets of the early 20th century. Decades before things like facial surgery and skin grafts were commonplace, disfigured vets covered their horrible wounds with facial plates just like the one featured on the show. There are more examples out there, but we wouldn't recommend looking at them if you happen to be reading this article while eating or before bed.

And don't worry, it wasn't just faces that got state-of-the-art protection from concerned scientists of the day. Wartime inventiveness also gave us ...

When the men moved to the front during World War II, the women entered a new environment as well: the factory floor. As the Rosie Riveters and Wendy Welders were performing jobs they had never done before, men became very concerned about their safety. Well, the safety of particular parts of them, at least. So Acme developed the industrial plastic boulder holder that this young gal is so kindly demonstrating.

After all, if we endanger the boobies, what do our boys overseas have left to come home to?

Even after World War I was over, the American government decided that it needed one more bond drive to raise enough cash to tie up any loose ends. Dubbed the Victory Liberty Loan parade, the party visited New York City in May of 1919 and set up a huge display of American guns and various pillars and pyramids smack in the middle of Madison Avenue. Pyramids made of the helmets of (presumably dead) German soldiers.

Yes, harking back to the days of the victory pyramids that the Mongols decorated Asia with, America decided that we needed some victory pyramids of our very own. In case you're not familiar with the pyramids we're referring to, we mean those constructed of skulls that the men of the horde lovingly cleaned and polished after having severed them from their previous owners. That's right: Someone had the bright idea that reminding American citizens that each and every one of those helmets represented a dead or captured German soldier would inspire them to donate to the post-war drive.

Oh, and it totally worked. U-S-A! U-S-A!

OK, now that's just ridiculous. Look at them! Carrying cameras around like little feathered tourists.

But those are in fact military surveillance pigeons, and yes, they really existed. It was kind of a good idea, if you think about it -- aerial photos of enemy trench lines were highly sought after, but newfangled surveillance planes were just starting to be introduced (prior to World War I, if you wanted aerial surveillance, you did it using vulnerable hot air balloons and kites). Then along came Dr. Julius Neubronner with his patented miniature pigeon camera.

Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-R01996/CC-BY-SA via Wiki

Neubronner's specially trained pigeons could be carried into battle in a customized mobile dovecote and then strapped into camera vests like the one seen above. When released, they were able to take a series of highly detailed photographs of the layout of enemy lines before returning to their roost and dropping off their film to be developed for HQ.

Wiki

These avian reconnoiterers saw some decent action alongside German forces during the war, judging by all the cartoonishly exploded pigeons found behind Allied lines. Sadly, though, when he inquired about further developing the technology after the war, the War Ministry told Neubronner to "fuck off with that pigeon bullshit" (loosely translated from the original German).

And just as depressing as that sentence ...

The Welbike featured a single-cylinder engine and a collapsible design that allowed it to be packed into an airdrop container and chucked out over enemy territory for retrieval by special forces operatives, with just enough space left over to cram the size 28 shoes and giant red Afro wig in there.

That's a German facility above, but the Americans were also in the big wind game with this facility at Langley Field near Hampton, Virginia, that tested everything from World War II fighters to space capsules:

wired.com

The Nazis made for such perfect villains that we tend to forget that their military was largely made up of kids who were conscripted to serve their country, just like the armies that were fighting them. And like all soldiers, they liked to occasionally take time out and make a big sign with their butts.

Unfortunately, the context of many of the photos we're about to show you has been lost to time, but if a picture is worth a thousand words, then these photos are a veritable word goldmine. Because they paint a picture of Nazi soldiers as a bunch of tiny horse ridin' ...

militarybooksite.com/fubardays.tumblr.com

... alcohol swillin' ...

mikehirst.netfirms.com

... uh, crossdressers?

ww2incolor.com

It seems that, no matter the surrounding circumstances, when you stir together a group of fraternity-age males, stick them in a confined space, and let them simmer for a while, you've just concocted the recipe for an instant kegger. Maybe you'll end up with a fake-mustache party ...

prikol.bigmir.net

... or even a "totally not gay even though we're all in our underwear and some of us are totally kissing" party ...

josecarloslima.blogspot.com

... but you'll always end up with a party. Seeing these photos almost makes us think that Nazi military life was equal parts fun, beer, and homoeroticism -- but then again, if you look just a little closer, this party bus does a power slide onto Disturbing Avenue:

Yeah, OK, never mind. Turns out that, even at a drunken Nazi frat party, Evil's still right there, lurking in the background and hogging up all the good booze.

Eric Yosomono writes for GaijinAss.com and you should LIKE them on the GaijinAss Facebook page!

For more old photos that are clearly fake (but totally aren't), check out 18 Old-Timey Photos You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped and 16 Real Old-Timey Photographs That Will Give you Nightmares.

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Terrible Stadiums You Won't Believe Were Actually Built.

And stop by LinkSTORM where you can continue to practice screaming FAKE.

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