Let's get right to it: We will pay you to write things for us even if you have never written anything for anybody before. All you have to do is reply to this thread, there are no requirements or fees or anything else, ever.
You can click it from your smartphone, from a public library, from a Mac or a PC. Just click it.
And your stuff isn't going into a bin in some intern's office. If it's good, it goes on the site, hundreds of thousands of people will read it, you will get money. Pretty much every single thing you see on this site comes from that process. It's all just people like you.
What's that, you say? You don't think you're capable of writing long list articles like Cracked is famous for? Good, we need you even more -- we recently started running Quick Fixes, shorter content that can be read in a minute or less, in basically any goddamned format you can imagine. We've done quick insights into current events and pop culture, we've done comics, video reviews and more. We'll take whatever else you can dream up, as long as it's short, and good, and smart. We want your ideas. Don't have any patience? Got a short attention span? Good. Readers will love you.
For a lot of people, two minutes of Internet on the toilet is the only break in their entire day. You could be that break.
Here's the link to the signup thread again. Just read it, and reply.
And if you reply, you are in (it takes a few days, but no one is rejected). Within a few days you can be writing articles that will be read by up to 3 million goddamned people, on one of the most popular comedy websites on planet Earth. Our contributors have gone on to get book deals, full-time writing jobs and impossible amounts of sex. The list of requirements can be found below, in that completely blank space at the end of the page, because that list does not exist.
Zombie? Unusually dextrous cat? The literal devil? That's fine with us.
"Yeah, but do you actually publish any of the random junk you get in? Everything is done by staff writers, right, and you just occasionally grab something off the contributor pile?" No, it's the exact opposite of that. Our entire comedy empire was built on people just like you, people with no previous publishing experience who were simply funny, clever and creative. Maybe you have a blog already, maybe you just make your friends laugh around the water cooler, or maybe you're the funny guy on a message board. Maybe you're considered one of the great novelists of your era. Doesn't matter, you all start off on equal footing with us. We want you all, the door is wide open. Once you're in, we'll show you how to do everything -- we have an editorial staff who will work with you directly. You risk nothing.
Don't get us wrong -- it's not easy. We have high standards. This game is easy to play, but hard to master. But if you're funny or clever or smart, and willing to work, we'll give you money and a bigger audience than you will find anywhere else.
All these people, and millions more, could be laughing at your comedy.
What does it pay? Well, our full-length feature articles start at $100 each, and after your fourth published article you get bumped up to the veteran pay of $200. If your article is among the ten most popular that month, you get a $50 bonus. The Quick Fixes we mentioned earlier, since they're only a fraction of the size of that other stuff, pay at $50 a shot. You turn in the finished article, you get paid by PayPal -- there's no waiting for months to get a check. Also, if you have a blog or a Twitter account or a book to promote, we'll let you advertise it at the end of your article and send thousands of readers there.
So here it is. Don't talk to us about how hard it is to get a foot in the door, Frustrated Writer at Starbucks. Don't tell us how much better the site would be if we just listened to your ideas, Angry Commenter. Sign up. Both of you. All of you. The door is wide open, and the room is full of fame and money.
You're welcome to as much of both as you're willing to work for.
Here's the link to the signup thread again. Just read it -- all of it -- and reply.
This offer never expires.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.