After trashing several cars, a couple of boat trailers and a nearby tree with his nonstop humping, and kicking over a trash can (that last one just to be a dick, presumably), the townsfolk decided to try erecting barriers to contain Homer on the concrete boat ramp where he had taken up residence. Homer responded by charging to a restaurant across the road and fucking the power box into submission, temporarily causing a blackout. The next day, the barriers had mysteriously washed out to sea and Homer was found lying across the boat ramp in post-coital bliss -- either that, or he was still incapacitated from essentially having self-Tasered his own wang.
And apparently, old Homer got around. Once the media caught wind of his exploits and started spreading the story, a man in Christchurch -- several hundred miles away -- compared photos of a seal that had assaulted cars there several months earlier and pegged Homer as the culprit. Homer's infamy continued to spread through news outlets around the world, leading to his eventual worldwide celebrity status. He even had his own website at one point (don't bother, it's offline now, sadly).
But happily, the Internet never forgets.
Moose Assaults Helicopter (and Wins)
If researching this article has taught us anything, it's that the majestic moose might just be the least fuck-givingest animal out there. But don't take our word for it -- there are people way smarter than us who have devoted their entire lives to counting just how few fucks the moose gives (and probably other stuff, but we're boiling the job description down to its most important element here).
"And substituting the terms, we arrive at our answer of three. A moose gives three fucks."
One such smart guy is biologist Kevin White, who in March of 2007 chartered a helicopter to take him to the tiny Alaskan community of Gustavus, where moose outnumber people 2-to-1. White and his crew were following an adult Alaskan bull moose, which are the largest moose in the world, typically topping seven feet tall and weighing in at over 1,300 pounds. White's goal was to tag this particular bull for identification purposes, so he shot it with a tranquilizer dart so he could get close enough to staple a tag to its ass.
Now for most creatures, after being shot in the neck with a dart full of sleepy-time juice from a high-powered rifle, the only sensible thing to do is to stumble for a bit before drifting off to dreamland. But this moose didn't get sleepy. No, this moose got pissed.
"Ketamine? But where's the speed we ordered?"
White and the pilot followed the moose in the helicopter in an attempt to corral it and keep it from falling asleep in a spot where it might get injured. But just as they hovered nearby, expecting the moose to drop over at any moment, the moose decided to charge the helicopter. He made good use of the gigantic medieval weaponry that Mother Nature had so kindly installed right on top of his head, and he brought that motherfucker to the ground.
None of the humans involved were injured in the crash, but unfortunately the tussle with the helicopter's tail rotor left the moose wounded and he had to be put down. We like to believe that somewhere in moose heaven, he now has a helicopter mounted over his fireplace.
"... and that's the last thing you see before you die: antlers, and some scientist crapping his pants."
Will Millar has written his first full-length novel, Infernal Machines, and you can find out more about it here. Or you can follow Will on Twitter.