At some point in the future, mankind loses the eternal war between man and ape. Accidental time travelers return to Earth in the distant future to find that shit is completely messed up and the world is run by ape-people now. The scenario is slightly different depending on which version you're watching -- in the original series, humans start mass breeding ape slaves who eventually rise up against them and start a nuclear war. In the new Rise of the Planet of the Apes, a virus is created that simultaneously makes apes smart and kills people. And in Marky Mark's Planet of the Apes, a future ape gets a hold of a sports almanac and gives it to his younger self in 1955. Or something. We didn't see it.
So, What's the Problem?
No matter what version of the ape-pocalypse you subscribe to, there are simply too many people and not enough apes to enslave them.
There are currently 7 billion humans on Earth. Apes, on the other hand, are all critically endangered. There may only be around 350,000 of them in the whole world. Now, the Apes movies seem to be vaguely aware of this inequity -- in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, humans start breeding apes in 1983 to increase their numbers, and the world has been overrun with them by 1991. By this timeline, even if humans collected every ape female on Earth and forced them to have a baby every year, there would still be fewer than 10 million apes when the ape revolution occurs, and most of them would be children. As armies go, that's woefully inadequate when your goal is total dominance of every inch of the globe.
"You. Me. World domination. We totally got this covered, bro."
And even if the apes develop some kind of super-intelligence, we still have the guns and bombs and nukes and poison gas and, most importantly, vastly more experience at this "war" thing than the apes do. Somehow every version of the Apes franchise asks us to imagine the same scenario -- a relatively insignificant number of apes simply punches every man, woman and child on Earth to death while we just let them do it.
Now, the new franchise introduces a viral pandemic into the scenario, suggesting at the end of Rise that most of the humans are going to die to make way for the ape revolution. But they also only have a tiny handful of apes when the virus hits. Even a plague that killed 99 percent of humans would still leave 70 million people versus only a few hundred apes.
Sorry, but if one species boils your species down to this, you are not the dominant life form.
Yep, no matter which way you slice it, a Planet of the Cows is still infinitely more likely. Also, we really want to see that one.
For more film scenes that actually did come true, check out 7 Real Car Chases Way Crazier Than Anything in the Movies and 5 Real Bank Heists Ripped Right Out of the Movies .
And stop by LinkSTORM to learn how bankrupt yourself preparing for these scenarios anyway.
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infographic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!