So, yeah, it was basically the size of a large egg. De Doot had figured it'd basically just drop out of the wound, but being the size it was the stone didn't fit through.
So Jan patched himself up and, tail between his legs, scurried off to the lithonomist's.
Ha, just kidding! He totally stuck his hand in and ripped the stone out until, to quote an old medical text, "it finally popped out of hiding with an explosive noise and tearing of the bladder." After that, he calmly sent for someone to patch him up.
Yeah, we don't blame you, buddy.
He performed all this by himself, assisted only by his brother who participated by holding de Doot's scrotum aside (an act that automatically wins you Brother of the Century). Sources vary on what happened after that, mainly due to chroniclers being too busy cringing and holding their crotch with both hands. But whether de Doot perished due to complications of the operation or went on to live a long, fulfilling life, his legacy continues to give the finger to modern medicine.
Damn, that story isn't No. 1 on the list? What the hell could be more unsettling than that?
Oh come on. Surely no one ... we mean, out of the thousands of medical procedures out there, the one we'd least think people are performing voluntarily on themselves is cock lopping.
Boy, are we going to be proven wrong.
The thing with gender reassignment operations is they are lengthy, challenging processes that feature a lot of waiting and analyzing due to the irreversibility of the process and all the psychological issues involved -- not to mention the impressive wad of cash that is needed for the hormone treatments and the actual operation. To hell with all that!
You have 17 minutes to get me a vagina, or I'll take matters into my own hands.
Which brings us to Roland Mery, a former soldier who had secretly suffered from gender issues throughout his life, but couldn't afford to have the work done by the pros. So one day, at 61-years of age, Mery took his homemade surgery kit, gulped down a couple of painkillers he happened to have lying around and locked himself in the bathroom. There, he proceeded to perform genital correction surgery on himself, losing two pints of blood in the process before staggering out of the bathroom, pale and bleeding, to announce his wife that he's finally "done it," and (presumably) "please please please call an ambulance because my crotch is bleeding profusely."
"Honey, we need to talk ..."
Yes, we said wife. Did we mention she had been home all along, calmly watching TV in the living room while Mery was grafting himself a brand new crotch? And Mery had forgotten to mention to her that he'd be much happier as a she?
Insanely, not only did Mery survive -- he succeeded. Not to the point of being a fully physically functional female, of course, but enough for the doctors to basically just patch the wound up, take a look at what was done, and say: "Yeah, that's pretty much how we would've done it too."
Impressive work. You look more feminine already.
Even the wife didn't mind much, after the initial shock -- turns out, they had been through so much during their marriage that a minor thing like a husband turning into a wife during a bathroom break was not such a big deal after all. And that, friends, is a goddamned marriage.
Check out Pauli Poisuo's other articles here or visit him at The Unpronounceable.
For more medical horrors, check out 8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk and The 7 Most Pointlessly Horrifying Plastic Surgery Procedures.