We're all Internet people here. As a Cracked reader in particular, you are no doubt a suave, considerate and popular person, but you probably have a "friend" who is socially awkward and a bit messy and has other habits frowned on by society.
Your friend should take up sports. Not because it will make them cooler, but because sports let you keep doing all those uncool things -- and more -- and you're immune from criticism. And unlike explaining away your purchase of a replica Frostmourne sword by saying you need it for LARPing, which just makes things worse, explaining away your goofy sports goggles by saying you're training for a triathlon magically makes the shame go away.
Actually you'd have to pretty much be an NBA MVP to get away with owning this shame-free.
I just found this out firsthand. Doing a 100K bike ride really opened my eyes up to what you can get away with. Suddenly, all of my bad habits were forgiven. Like ...
Have you ever noticed how all of the cool looking clothes in the world are made for someone other than you? Do you feel like people are smirking at your outfits behind your back? Have you given up, and now just wear track pants wherever you go? Well, I want to introduce you to a magical world where not only will no one judge you on your terrible fashion sense, but virtually all of those choices are made for you.
As I said, I participated in a bicycle race recently. Here's what I wore:
And nobody said shit. I was among hundreds of other cyclists, everybody was dressed this way.
Obviously team sports make you wear a uniform, but even the stuff you do on your own -- in my case, cycling -- completely removes all of those decisions since this is a world where function trumps all. As I've mentioned before, bike clothes are among the least flattering clothes in the world, and it doesn't matter. Someone wants to make fun of your neon yellow windbreaker? You can smugly explain to them it keeps you visible to traffic on the busy roads you ride. Anyone mocking your tight pants? You can point to your chain and all the other parts that can catch loose cloth. It's all done in the name of a bigger cause.
"I'm suffocating my balls to raise awareness for whooping cough, you asshole."