But these viruses can't do much harm today, right? Oh, how we love your unflinching optimism, rhetorical question, but you're wrong again: Tests on the cerebrospinal fluid of schizophrenic patients (that's science-talk for "the brain juice of crazies") have revealed unexpectedly high levels of a particular endogenous retrovirus. This suggests that the misunderstood mental illness is, in fact, a long-term side effect of a retrovirus that we all have inside us already. It's no good locking the doors, people; that crazy is calling from inside the house.
"Get in the car. I just want to talk."
In people who are genetically inclined, this retrovirus can be "switched on" by a separate viral infection that occurs around the time of birth -- herpes, toxoplasmosis (aka Cat Zombie Disease) or even plain old influenza. Studies have found that babies born in winter months -- around flu season -- are at greater risk of developing not just schizophrenia, but bipolar disorder and multiple sclerosis later in life, suggesting that all three conditions might just be different reactions to the same retrovirus. Basically, if you catch a cold as a baby, you could end up building bombs in a shack to combat the lizard people who've infiltrated our government, and it's all thanks to the insanity that lives in everybody's blood.