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Every one of us once dreamed of donning some spandex pants and taking our brand of renegade crime fighting to the streets. The only problem was our total lack of super powers, and the fact that when we blasted ourselves with gamma radiation we only got a super-powered tumor that becomes more malignant when angered. Recent scientific breakthroughs are changing that. Within our lifetimes we just might be able to see mankind do the things it only wrote about in cheap picture books and their multi-billion dollar film adaptations. Some day, you or your children may very well get to be ... #5.
Iron Man
The Character's Power: Technologically advanced battle suit. After being kidnapped by the Vietnamese (or in the film, some brown people) billionaire inventor Tony Stark MacGyver's himself a technological wonder of a battle suit that simultaneously prevents shards of shrapnel from entering his heart and helps him explode you with literal hand cannons.
How Science Can Give It To You:
HAL 5 is an acronym for Hybrid Assistive Limb ... 5. HAL is an artificial powered exoskeleton. In other words, a technological wonder of a suit that is capable of allowing the user to carry five times the weight they could normally carry. "When a person attempts to move, nerve signals are sent from the brain to the muscles via motoneuron, moving the musculoskeletal system as a consequence." We just copy and pasted that from the official HAL website because it sums it up well enough (apparently just saying, "When you move, this thing moves HARDER!" is too simplistic for the type of people who know how to make cybernetic suits). Unlike Tony Stark's "Mark VI" Iron Man suit, HAL was not invented for tearing-ass through a war zone, leaving behind a trail of men slowly realizing they just got their limbs torn off by a robot. On the contrary, HAL was designed for factory work, disaster relief, assisting disabled people, and, as the website states, "the entertainment field" which we're sure is code for "Superhuman Endurance Sexbot."
The only problem is ...
Well, do you remember when we linked the official HAL website earlier? Look at the web address. That's www.cyberdyne.jp. Cyberdyne! As in, "the manufacturers of the Terminator" Cyberdyne.
Don't get us wrong, we're not saying this isn't an amazing technology. All we're saying is that you should find your nearest John Conner and sequester him in your local underground robot apocalypse bunker before some dip-shit scientist puts some kind of thinking chip in these things. #4.
Jean Grey (X-Men)
The Character's Power: Telekinesis. Jean Grey, more commonly known as "That redheaded bitch that dies whenever shit gets serious," has telekinetic powers that allow her to do much more than lift simple objects with her mind. She can also use her powers as a kind of Jedi-like force push and as a defensive shield.
How Science Can Give It To You:
Foxborough, Massachusetts based company Cyberkinetics Neurotechnology Systems, Inc. is working on technologies that let the paralyzed interact with their surroundings using only their thoughts. The "Gate" in the name refers to a computer interface that acts as a gateway for the entire process. The system begins with the implantation of a sensor in the motor cortex, the part of the brain that controls movement.
This sensor detects neural signals that your brain would normally use to tell your body to move. But, rather than having this information transmitted to an arm or leg these signals get relayed to a computer which then decodes the information and converts it into a physical action. So when you think about an action (say, giving a stripper a dollar) that thought would go though the computer which then would activate a device (say, the dollar bill cannon attached to your pelvis). The BGNIS project has been approved by the FDA and Cyberkinetics hopes this technology will be ready for the mass market within three to five years.
The only problem is ...
And how long until a group of rogues find a way to get souped-up implants that let them take over your car from a mile away? Or send your lawnmower on a murderous rampage?
Without the wisdom of a Dr. X to guide them, they will wreak havoc on a world too fat to defend itself. #3.
Spider-Man
The Character's Power: Web slinging and wall climbing. When a young loser named Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider he becomes endowed with the powers of an arachnid. He can crawl on walls and, just to round out the whole "Spider" gimmick, he invented his own web slingers. Furthermore, he has a spider's ... precognitive abilities? We must have missed that day of science class.
How Science Can Give It To You:
Spidey holds the honorable distinction of being the only character on this list that has two real life technologies currently being researched that can one day bring us a step closer to being riddled with bullets after trying to stop a bank robbery. First up is carbon nanotube technology, which will basically be Velcro for the "What the fuck is Velcro?" societies of the future. Like Velcro, carbon nanotubes can be formed as a series of hooks and loops that interlock, thereby creating a clinging effect. Unlike Velcro, these hooks and loops are microscopic and can latch on to nearly any surface imaginable, even while underwater.
The creator of the nanotube, Italian scientist Nicola Pugno, says that when placed on gloves and boots, his wall-crawling breakthrough would be able to keep a fully grown person suspended on a ceiling. He hopes to have a prototype suit out by 2010. The second Spider-Man tech that will revolutionize the way we as a society approach cosplaying is more of a theory, but it's a very promising one at that. This theory is based around something called nanoglue. A group of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute scientists working with nanolayers (molecular chains of carbon molecules with elements such as silicon, oxygen or sulfur) accidentally found that heating nanolayers of commercially available glue sandwiched between copper and silica, it created a bond that one researcher called "As strong as a motherfucker."
The leader of the project, Professor Ganapathiraman Ramanath, hypothesizes that this "nanoglue" could be used as a real-life version of Spider-Man's web shooters: "If we can find a way to create threads and/or intertwined bundles using the molecules in a scalable fashion, while retaining the adhesive properties, then creating web-shooters similar to Spiderman's is a real possibility," he said as he pointed to the face of Spider-Man gracing the crotch flap of his Underoos.
The only problem is ...
The problem is that once the method of web-swinging from building to building becomes possible, no one will ever use any other means of transport. So what's wrong with that? Well, what goes unreported in Spider-Man films and comics is the hundreds of long, sticky strings of web he leaves behind wherever he goes. In the city of the future, where rush hour features a few million Spideys web-slinging their way to the office, pretty soon every building is going to look like it's either wearing a fur coat, or been Bukakked within mere inches of its life. |
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um, cyberdyne?? this company was created after the first 3 (f**k the fourth) terminator movies were created? the company is just messing with us?? I
now what would you get if you combined some of these powers? i think you would get an invisible person who can stick to walls while regenerating his half-blown off head using telekinesis. that is baddass.
everyone stop mentioning spider mans webs dissolving or i will cut your hands off so hard they WON'T grow back!
I think it was mentioned in a spiderman cartoon that the web dissolved away after awhile.
LOL hahah a spiderman bukakked.
Spiderman's web fluid dissolves in about an hour, so there is no trace of his web-slinging after his adventures.
I think it's time to change the pics in this article to dicks and vag for the thiefs convienenance..
A thousand dicks on your websie!
Also, if you need further proof, go to the other site and place your mouse arrow over a picture. Right click and select "View Image." Once the picture comes up look at the address bar. You'll notice that all of the pics have Cracked.com addresses.
Again, this kind of stuff happens to us Cracked writers far too often.
Hello, everyone. I'm the writer of this article and I'm happy that after all this time people are still reading it. Thanks.
Apparently, people here in the comments have noticed that this article is posted at some other site word for word, picture for picture. I, as the writer, can assure you that it was not I who stole it from some dude, but rather, some dude who stole it from me. The original idea for the article is posted in the Cracked writers forum with an official date stamp of May 16, 2008, 12:40 PM. Exactly one month before It was posted here and one month and a day before it was posted on the other site.
I'm not pissed that anyone may have come to the conclusion that I may have stolen it, it comes with the territory of being a writer on a medium that makes stealing as easy as a few mouse clicks. And, believe it or it, you can find this same sort of situation for damn near all of not only my articles, but every other writer's articles. So, yeah, there ya'go. I hope that cleared that up.
Redninja, you mean Spiderine?!!
Can i be wolverine AND spiderman?
Great. Now I'm gonna have nightmares about flying lawnmowers from hell.
Thanks a lot cracked.
those times are 24 hours apart. cracked would have to be based in hawaii and stolen somethign from an island in the south pacific for this time difference to mean cracked stole it. and they would have had to steal is within minutes of its posting
I'd like to hear more about what's being done to develop the three cannons mentioned in this article: hand, pelvis-mounted dollar bill and pudding. Seems like those could actually imnprove our general quality of life and shouldn't be that difficult to produce.
Posted on 6/16/2008 9:02:34 AM
thats the first comment on this article.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 9:17 am and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
thats the posting date for the other site. shut up noob
check out the image properties at http://www.miroliwosz.com/blog/?p=195 , this guy's the one's doing the copying.
they actually made an invisibility cloak at Duke University a few years back. No projections, just breaking and recreating wavelengths before and after the cloak. Look it up.
What really happens to Spidey's webs? Are they bio-degradable?
yeah, his entry is indeed later than cracked's....but think about the timezones difference too...dates could be a bit misguiding if the places are too far apart...
http://www.miroliwosz.com/blog/?p=195 posted there article on the 17th. this was posted on the 16th. unless third world countries are using poverty as a cover up for telepathy, cracked was first
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Jean Grey, more commonly known as "That redheaded b***h that dies whenever s**t gets serious,"
hahahahhaaa!!! Yes!!!!