BoozeTown was to come about in three stages. First, it would be built as a vacation spot with practically nothing but 24-hour bars and hotels. Mel hoped to establish BoozeTown as the exclusive spot for celebrities to overindulge with impunity. Then, once enough revenue was raised from the tourism stage, the next step would be to build an elaborate transportation network, including an electric trolley system to eliminate drunk driving and moving sidewalks to assist the stumblers- because drunk people have no problem mounting moving sidewalks; everybody who's gotten drunk in an airport bar can verify that. Finally, with his vacation spot in full tilt, Johnson would establish the residential communities and focus on growing BoozeTown's full-time population. If that sounds too crazy to believe, keep in mind the concept has already been proven sound, just with a different vice: Gambling.
That's almost the exact path Las Vegas followed on its way to cityhood.
It goes without saying that the police force in BoozeTown had to be unique: Dubbed The Party Police, law enforcement would not be patrolling the streets looking to haul your sloppy ass to jail. In fact, those who had a few too many would merely be escorted home by the friendly officers and tucked in to bed - but not read a story: That's the Bureau of Storytime's job.
Even the city infrastructure touted a hefty alcohol theme. Street names included Gin Lane and Scotch Street, and the city's headquarters would be shaped like a giant martini glass, complete with rooftop olive garden.
Because nothing inspires faith in one's government like having them meet in a giant liquor glass.
Unfortunately, while Johnson was worth a few hundred thousand bucks himself, he by no means had the capital to back up his plan. So he hosted fundraising events (a.k.a. parties) where he liquored up the potential investors before selling them on his idea. But as with almost anything that seems great while drunk, it quickly loses its luster come morning. Johnson was the only one who never sobered up long enough to realize it himself, however, so when the booze wore off of his investors, Johnson was left with nothing. He died in a mental hospital in 1966 after having been diagnosed a paranoid schizophrenic.
Pour one (keg) out for our fallen homey.
The founder of Pukesberg and Drunken Assaultville, a crazy person? No!
When Dwayne Hoover is not writing only mildly interesting articles for Cracked he's reporting on the West Michigan music scene over at West Michigan NOISE! He can be reached at email@example.com.
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