3

He Instinctively Wants To Protect Her

You are, at the very least, thinking about boning his little girl, planning for it, and trying to make it happen as soon as humanly possible. The same little girl he has cherished and protected all her life. This one may seem a blinding flash of the obvious, but it is where the psychological aspects of the father/daughter relationship avert a sharp left turn into Gross Avenue.

Why You Can't Win

He is programmed to kill you.

Your girlfriend's dad is like the Terminator, and you're Sarah Connor. And the program that has been uploaded into this guy is called reverse sexual imprinting, or the Westermarck effect. And once you find out what it is, you're going to be damn glad he has it.

2

He Sees You As An Annoying Child

It doesn't matter if her dad grew up in the same town as you, went to the same schools you did, or even works at the burger station alongside you. It doesn't matter if you're the valedictorian of an Ivy League school and have a six-figure job waiting for you after graduation. You can do the right things, dress the right way, and say everything you think he wants to hear -- your girlfriend's dad is still going to hate you. It's the generation gap at work.

Now, usually when young dudes hear "generation gap," they think of a lame, befuddled old man who's too square for the new awesome music and technology. But you have to look at yourself through his eyes. When he looks at you, he's going to see this:

That's Fred -- he of many, many YouTube videos in which he speeds up his voice and squeaks and squeals and gets millions of hits for it. If you don't know him, or have mercifully already forgotten him, think of another young YouTube star or musician or actor whose appeal you don't understand at all. The point is that everyone over the age of 13 wants to stab their own ears out when they hear his stupid voice or see his stupid face. He's just so stupid and annoying and immature and teenager-y.

1

You Make Him Look Bad To Her Mom

Young love is sweet. The passion, the excitement, the grand romantic gestures, the precious moments between the two of you. What you may not have noticed is that you have an audience -- namely, her mom. And she's watching carefully as you shower her daughter with attention, presents, and affection, and whether she shows it or not, she's getting jealous. Guess who's going to bear the brunt of her envy? Your girlfriend's dad.

Why You Can't Win

It's another pheromone thing. Everybody knows about the supposed synchronization of menstrual cycles in women living together. So in the same way that Mom can subconsciously pick up on her daughter's menstrual cycle, she can also sense those love pheromones that are getting sprayed around like sex-scented Febreze.

But even on a common-sense, non-chemical level, it's going to be pretty hard for the lady to not resent your gifts of chocolates and overstuffed teddy bears and 18th-century samurai swords that you keep bestowing on her daughter, when the best she can hope for is an occasional "Atta girl" and love handle pinch from her husband. You can bet your bottom dollar he is going to feel that resentment, and channel it right back to you. This shit has a way of flowing downhill.

2017 Update: One entry removed due to questionable sourcing, in the name of trying to keep fake news out of your feed.

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