15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children
Toys are carefully planned investments that companies spend countless hours developing in the hopes that children will use them to foster memories that they'll cherish for a lifetime.
But sometimes, they just end up looking like dongs.
Punisher Shape Shifters Crotch Rocket
Wait, seriously? That's a real toy? It was so disturbing, we assumed it was Photoshop, but here's a video.
The video is also disturbing.
Man, this is not a good start. We came in assuming most of this stuff was just the result of innocent oversight, but this? Why does the projectile have to be coming from his crotch? His chest is free. His abs have a skull-mouth emblazoned across them. Why not there? If the rocket came shooting out of the teeth of a grinning skull on the Punisher's stomach, that would be terrifying; as it is now it just looks like he's happy to see you...to death.
To be fair, this was part of a "Shape Shifter" line of toys--basically a Punisher transformer--and we're catching him in mid-transformation (we're assuming Frank Castle's transforming capabilities aren't canon). And of course once he's fully transformed the toy looks perfectly innoc-
OK, that's just...that's just horrible.
So, for the second time we have to ask if the people designing products for children are just amazingly naive, or if they're a bunch of giggling stoners seeing what they can get past the marketing team. The Fr-ooze Pop is shaped like a dildo. Fine, you can say that about a lot of food. But if you lick the Fr-ooze Pop enough, a gooey substance squirts into your mouth.
The Fr-ooze Pop was marketed to kids in Singapore using a voice that repeatedly says, "lick it, suck it." Maybe they're just not as cynical as we are over there? And, uh, maybe over there penises work differently?
If so, then what's our excuse for...
Ah, that doesn't look too bad. Some kind of squirt gun, right? Well, here's a picture of what it looks like to be shot by The Oozinator...
A picture is worth a thousand words, and that's good because actually typing a description of what appears to be happening to the child in the above picture on an Internet site is most likely a felony in all 50 states. We will say this though: That's not water. It's "ooze."
Trust us, it's much worse in motion:
Of course it's pump action. And while we're on the subject of squirt guns, we guess we have to mention the...
Batman Water Gun
We really don't see anything sexual about this. So what if you pull a plug out of Batman's rectum to fill it with water and then give him a reach around which makes him shoot water out of his mouth? Who didn't do that on the playground at least once?
Either way, we'd love to see what Robin looks like.
"I'm Mr. Bucket, Balls Pop Out of My Mouth"
You can't blame the toy designers for this one. But somewhere, a disgruntled former jingle writer is still laughing about the time he was having a shitty day at work and just to be an ass he wrote this jingle:
I'm Mr. Bucket, toss your balls in my top
I'm Mr. Bucket, out of my mouth they will pop
I'm Mr. Bucket, we're all gonna run
I'm Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!
I'm Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of my mouth
I'm Mr. Bucket, a ball is what I'm about
I'm Mr. Bucket, we're all gonna run
I'm Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!
"No way this could be misinterpreted."
...and his boss didn't even notice until it was much, much too late.
Of course, that was from a simpler time. The same cannot be said for...
Who on Earth can hear the jingle, "You can smack it, you can whack it! Balzac!" and not hear "ball sack" there. Seriously, take this ad to any English speaking people on the planet and they'll assume they're hearing a 90s-era Saturday Night Live parody:
"You can punch it! You can crunch it! Bet you can't bust ball sack!"
Growing Up Skipper
Skipper was supposed to be Barbie's little sister, but in 1975, Mattel decided it was time for Skipper to hit puberty. After countless minutes of research, Mattel settled on the most factually accurate portrayal of puberty possible. That, of course, means when you rotated Skipper's left arm, she'd grow an inch taller and spurt out some tits. Just like a real girl!
Obviously, the doll sparked a ton of controversy, so much so that Mattel never tried something so stupid ever again. Ha! Just kidding! They've recently started producing a similar doll, except now, she's a skank! That should help.
Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Vibrating Broomstick
Hey mom, tired of always having to worry about your kids finding that vibrator you have stashed in your dresser? Well worry no more! It's the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Vibrating Broomstick!
This reached Internet meme territory back in 2002, when many, many wise guys posted positive reviews on the Amazon product page:
"When my 12-year-old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy... My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too!"
Mattel quickly pulled the toy from the market, many months after signing off on a phallus shaped children's toy that vibrates while wedged into a child's crotch.
Wolverine Squeaky Hammer
Yep, that's Wolverine menacingly glaring at your kid with his cock out. Let's just put that on the table right away.
We realize a whole bunch of you have already seen the above image, stripped of all context (we bet at least one of you has it as your avatar on a message board somewhere). But where did it come from? It's got to be a one-time production mistake, or an intentional joke, or at least some cheap knockoff toy sold on the streets of Beijing, right?
Nope, it's an officially licensed Marvel toy (an inflatable hammer, you're looking at one end of it) and they all looked like that. There's video proof:
Honestly, what happens when your kid comes home and finds that his Wolverine Squeaky Hammer is deflated and, in his mind, he thinks "Wolverine died!" And then the imagination kicks into gear and he thinks "I can save you Wolverine!" and he picks up that deflated Wolverine toy and buries his head in its crotch and blows for all he's worth and all of the sudden Wolverine is back to life and he runs into your loving arms to tell you about his triumph and you're like "good job, you saved him buddy!"
Congrats, your kid now has a grossly inaccurate idea of how CPR works.
Rad Repeatin' Tarzan
There's absolutely nothing wrong with this doll, as long as it's not in motion. Sure, maybe a crude teenage boy could say that his right hand is sort of positioned like it's holding an invisible boner. But when you activate the little lever on Tarzan's back, that's when the magic happens:
If you can't watch video on your computer, let's just say that he starts vigorously jerking off while wailing loudly. There's no mistaking what he's doing. They implanted a mechanism that really can only do that. Mattel changed the doll after approximately 100 percent of the boys who picked up the toy started making Tarzan jerk off within about 10 seconds.
Why, what noise do you make when you masturbate?
We're guessing it took only slightly longer for owners of...
Rafiki on Simba Sodomy Figurine
In the movie The Lion King, Rafiki is the wise baboon who acts as a sort of spiritual advisor to the protagonist Simba. That setting is recreated lovingly in this toy, or it would be if the positioning of the baby Simba and the motion of the Rafiki figure didn't turn it into a gut-wrenching display of child molestation in the Animal Kingdom.
If that was too tasteful for you, here it is set to porno music.
That'll do, Internet.
Dora "Totally Not a Dildo, Guys" Aquapet
Honestly? Is it us? Maybe there's some other angle where it doesn't look 100 percent like a sex toy, but if so, why didn't they photograph it from that angle?
Slightly less phallic.
All Aboard the Dick Slide
This giant inflatable "clearly a dong" slide turns up all over the Internet, but no one seems to know where it's from ("Europe" is as close as anyone has come to nailing it down). When you see it in action at what appears to be a child's birthday party, you'll fully expect a SWAT team to come swooping in:
As you can see, it's supposed to be part of a big, fun, inflatable train kids can crawl through. But why does the train end in a giant cock? Seriously, nothing on a train resembles that.
And while we're at it...
Pikachu is a Whore
This is Japan, though, so that barely counts. Wait... if you compare the scale of Pikachu's lady parts with that dick slide...
Man, somebody has got to fork over the cash to get these two set up at the same event.
Hang Your Child's Coat on a Bear Erection
Asian society is extremely wang-centric and 3M decided to tap into this market with colorful coat hooks for kids. There's a bear, a cat and a frog. OK, not a big deal until you notice the top left corner of the packaging, where the clearly-aroused bear is saying, "Hug me."
Then it gets worse when you see the cat, a sly look on his face as he and his protruding manhood say, "Follow me." And the frog, its eyes squeezed shut in ecstasy, saying--wait for it--"Kiss me."
Holy shit! Run!
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If you still need ideas on how to cause your children mental instability for the rest of their lives, then check out The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys and 20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 4.21.10) to see cleanse your eyes of the obscenities above.