There may be times when you're forced to watch the Winter Olympics: Perhaps your cable is out, maybe you've been taken hostage and you're tied to a chair with only the TV for company, or perhaps you're just boning an Eskimo. Whatever the case may be, you've suddenly found yourself face-to-face with a whole lot of boring and it's on you to find a way to make the best of it. But don't worry! It's all in how you view it.
For example, if you're ever feeling the least bit down there is literally no better pick-me-up on Earth than the Winter Olympics. Think about it: These people spend every waking moment of their entire lives devoted to these sports just for this one moment, and if the slightest thing goes wrong their whole existence goes straight down the drain. And even if everything goes right and they turn in the performance of a lifetime, nobody even gives a shit because in the end run, it's still curling. If you find yourself contemplating what the business end of a gun tastes like this week, just flip on the Winter Olympics, watch events likes these, and instantly feel better about your terrible, lonely life:
I've decided to go ahead and combine the luge and the skeleton into one entry because, as far as I can tell, they're the same event. The only real difference is with the skeleton, you lay on your stomach; with the luge, you lay on your back. Just think of skeleton as the gay man's luge. Luge, on the other hand, is also the gay man's luge.
Anyway, a wise man once told me, "Go ahead, try to make the luge sound interesting, it's just a person sliding around with an ice skate blade attached to their back." That's most certainly true, but it's also what makes the luge so awesome. Out of all of the events taking place here, this is the only one you will watch and say to yourself, "Yep, I could be an Olympic athlete." There is literally no talent required other than the willingness to pour yourself into a latex suit and sled for real. You know who can do that? Everybody. You think watching the ski jump is going to fill you with that kind of confidence?