The 6 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Science

Also, we might as well test out the new puke bags.

In a revelation that surprised no one ever in the history of anything, researchers determined that errors in cognitive reasoning occur more often if a person is being exposed to unusually high levels of stress. So under no circumstances should you whip out a job application in the middle of a car accident or attempt to file a tax return while being stabbed to death.

It's worth noting that the researchers were unable to repeat the experiment because the soldiers involved had written warnings to future subjects on the plane's airsick bags. The only option at that point would have been to collect all the bags and then crash the plane for real. Which they probably would have done, if they could figure out how to make sure the paperwork survived.

Watson's goal was, of course, to see if it was possible to condition fear in an infant. You know, because prior to this infants were regarded as cold, unfeeling machines, incapable of emotion.

Working tirelessly alongside his assistants, he scared a child for 31 days before returning it to the hospital drenched in terrified excrement (evidently it was just a rental). Unfortunately, Watson spent the entire experiment scaring the shit out of Albert with the hammer of Thor and never got around to actually correcting any of the tremendous psychological damage he was causing, thereby dooming Albert to grow up as a man who pissed his pants at the sight of a cotton ball.

"Who doesn't have a chance at a normal life, is it you? Yes it is! Yes it is!"

As if this wasn't enough, it turns out Watson had wanted to do more. He lamented that he didn't have the time to condition both fear and arousal in Albert by stimulating the child's erogenous zones during the experiments, because back then getting an infant to shit all over his own boner was considered the pinnacle of behavioral research.

In 1970, Robert Heath of Tulane University refined the Olds and Milner discovery to test his theory of reversing homosexual behavior through pleasure center stimulation. That's right, Heath wanted to zap the gay away. Unable to locate a readily available supply of gay rats for his experiment, Heath went ahead and found a homosexual male's brain to dig around in.

The subject, B-19, was hooked up just like the rat in the pleasure study. At first Heath administered controlled amounts of stimulation himself, but then handed the pleasure button off to B-19 and allowed the subject to be the lord of his own electric bonerjam.

And stimulate he did. In one three-hour session B-19 pressed the button 1500 times until. According to Heath, "he was experiencing an almost overwhelming euphoria and elation and had to be disconnected." At that point, we're amazed his dick hadn't burst into flames.

Heath's theory was that B-19's sex drive would be so jacked he'd have sex with anything, and for Jesus' sake, why not make it a girl? This being 1970, this was clearly the part of the experiment where you bring in the whore.

When introduced to the female prostitute, however, B-19 did nothing for an hour until the prostitute initiated a sexual encounter herself. Nevertheless, Heath called the experiment a success, having proven that with enough electric shocks directly to the brain, a gay man will have sex with a woman as long as he's locked in a room with her for an hour and can't leave.

And that's why there are no more homosexuals around today.

For a project so inhumane that fellow scientists dubbed it the "Monster" study, the story of this experiment starts off on an oddly inspirational note.

Wendell Johnson grew up with a horribly persistent stuttering problem, so bad that he usually didn't speak at all. However, Johnson turned his handicap into an aptitude for writing and humor which eventually earned him the class presidency and valedictorianship. Johnson went off to the University of Iowa and sought a degree in Psychology in order to commit his life to speech therapy and help children overcome the same adversity.

And by "overcome the same adversity" we mean "get seriously fucked in the mindhole."

"Just remember, if you stutter again, I'll just straight murder your mother. Right in front of you."

Johnson set up an experiment using orphans (the perfect test subjects), some that stuttered and some that just didn't have parents. He and his assistant told the kids they would receive speech therapy, but in reality, only half of them were. The lucky half.

The children in Group A received positive reinforcement, encouragement and in general were praised no matter what they did. The children in Group B were subjected to demoralization and verbal abuse, with staff raining down insults on the children every time they made even the slightest error in their speech--and sometimes when they didn't.

The orphans in Group B developed speech problems, even those who initially had no issues, and some eventually became mute altogether. Many developed learning disabilities, going on to damn the study decades later for "ruining their lives."

Strangely, Group A lost speech fluency as well, demonstrating beyond a shadow of a doubt that Johnson should not have been allowed anywhere near children.

In the 50s, a Scottish-American doctor by the name of Dr. Ewen Cameron believed he had discovered the cure for schizophrenia. His technique involved reprogramming the brain to think in healthy ways by having patients wear headphones playing supportive audio messages such as, "People like you and need you," "You have confidence in yourself" and "You are the master of magnetism."

Sounds rather nice, except Dr. Cameron often put these patients into a sedative coma with a powerful tranquilizer for weeks at a time, locking them in a place nurses came to call the "Zombie Room."

During that comatose state Dr. Cameron would administer "beneficial" electro-shocks, which we assume are related to "therapeutic" hammer punches to the face. His technique also destroyed whole sections of his patients' memory, many of whom were not even schizophrenics.

Oh, did we mention none of this was done with any kind of consent? At this point in the article, you should probably take that as a given.

Word of Cameron's experiments reached the CIA, who took one look at what he was doing and said, "This man is an unethical prick, we must have him." The CIA fired t-shirt guns loaded with cash at Dr. Cameron and eventually folded him into their MK-ULTRA project--you know, the one in which the government experimented on unwilling citizens in an effort to create brainwashed assassins.

Man, why couldn't they have just used orphans like everybody else?

For more scientists that should've been subjected to their own experiments, check out 9 Real Life Mad Scientists. Or check out Dr. Seanbaby's own frightening test, in A Terrifying Psychological Experiment (Using The Sims 3).

Or, visit the Cracked.com Top Picks to see what we're looking at instead of working.