Ben Joseph,CRACKED Staff
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Every Saturday we have some of our favorite writers from around the web fill in for us. Today, we have producer and writer for CollegeHumor (and defector from Cracked.com) Ben Joseph. Ben wrote some of our favorite early Cracked.com articles and is responsible for some of the best Collegehumor Originals.
Today he explains who you should be following on Twitter ...
Previously, when celebrities wanted to contact their fans, they had three options: press release, personal interview or Internet sex tape. Twitter, however, has shattered this sacred PR trinity, and that may not be an entirely good thing. Constant exposure often reveals even the most interesting personality to be just another member of the dull, laundry-doing, self-Googling masses (read: you). It's the rare celeb that manages to transcend and maintain a truly interesting chronicle of their moment-to-moment activity.
Following / Followers
44 / 46,845
Finding out that Rainn Wilson is a lot like Dwight Schrute, only smarter and sometimes (gasp) funnier is like discovering that, not only are dinosaurs still real, but they can also play pretty sick guitar solos. Between honest-to-God laughs, Wilson confirms that, yes, acting in a hit sitcom makes your job suck even more by comparison.
Choice Tweets:
Watching 'Hotel for Dogs' with my wife and son. Kate Winslet plays a Nazi with a lot of books. Still waiting for ONE stupid dog to show up.
Back at THE OFFICE after 6 week hiatus. Had to have a long talk with John K about his favorite game "nipple punch" and its appropriateness,
Nipple punch.
Following / Followers
88 / 36,040
It's a shame most still know Hodgman from those commercials that showed all the ways a PC was inferior to a lanky hipster with a bad haircut (answer: PC takes too many showers?). Stodgy appearance notwithstanding, the man's a funny writer and it comes through in his Twitter.
Choice Tweets:
Desk is clear for the first time since beginning of book tour. Apparently it is made of wood.
OK. Everyone should get their replies in about 5-7 business days. I'm sorry I could not overnight them, but they are fictional, so USPS only
Following / Followers
108 / 17,601
Blame modern society, but writing graphic novels with cult appeal (Transmetropolitan, Nextwave) doesn't make one as famous as wearing a blonde wig and singing about pogs (or something) or doing whatever the hell a Jonas brother does. Still, if you can get past his constant replies to other Twitterers, Ellis's insights re: writer's block and alcoholism are always a good read. Always succinct, publishing in 140-character bursts only highlights Ellis's sharpness.
Choice Tweets:
Arguing with people on Twitter about religion is like using your cock to duel with pygmies while balanced on parallel bars-
Penis fight.
Following / Followers
24,076 / 69,934
I was dubious, since celebrities usually wear their low Following / Follower ratio as a mark of pride. ("Pride" may not be the word I want--how do you spell "fragile ego"?) But apparently twitter.com/MCHammer is, forgive me, legit. Hammer loves Twitter so much he flew cross-country for the Shorty Awards, the first ever "Twitter awards ceremony" (your guess is as good as mine.) The posts aren't hilarious, but, beyond novelty value, Hammer's Twitter is the chronicle of a man who's seen bankruptcy, genie pants and everything in between, and isn't afraid to blow the trials he's endured completely out of proportion ...Choice Tweets:
The reservoir I draw from runs deep and is anchored in the human experience and diverse cultures... to hell and back is an understatement
I caught the "Red-Eye" and now it's time for "Shut-Eye"!!! I had a little breakfast.... wait.. I might mess up my hair ! oh, Le coconut !!!
Following / Followers
23 / 3,601
Not familiar? Cliff notes: Wrote Dawn of the Dead, Slither, the Scooby Doo films and nothing else you've heard of (geek/virgin points to the 10 of you that just yelled "The Specials!") What the rest of you care about: He was married to The Office's Pam Beesly, which, for a certain quirky dork demographic, was like Brad and Angelina. His Twitter is just as idiosyncratic and occasionally maddening as all of the above would lead you to believe.
Choice Tweets:
(re: a recent poll) Easily 40 times as many answers to "how often I poop" as there were to "most important mind." I know where my fucking bread is buttered.
Watching Planet Earth. Pandas incredible cuteness is slightly diminished by the fact that their asses are covered in shit.
Following / Followers
14 / 26,420
Refreshingly, the Sandman and Coraline scribe seems to have no use for the over-engineered, eyeliner-enhanced quirk to which many of his fans are inclined. Although celebrity self-absorption occasionally sneaks through, the Internet could benefit from more of his subdued Brit charm.
Choice Tweets:
In dublin. Just ordered breakfast. Was whisked thru airport by film vip magic and instead of queueing was given tea. All airports shd be so.
Best bit of the evening: being asked who my hair stylist was and having to explain that this is just what it does & not anyone's fault.
Following / Followers
1,181/124,539
Chance it's actually her: 95 percent. Chance that everything she says is run by a manager, a publicist and dictated through two assistants: 9,000 percent (sorry, math was never my thing). Although the Tweets have all the spark of a well-revised press release, their sterility provides an interesting glimpse into the Stepford Wife-esque life of a fallen starlet whose handlers still have a vested interest in her continued visibility.
Choice Tweets:
I love Japan! I think all the tiny cars are so cute! --Britney
Had a great talk with Andre, one of Brit's choreographers, tonight. We're doing a profile on him- stay tuned. ~Team Brit
Following / Followers
- 2,994 / 3,399
Another dubious ratio for a celeb, but if Rainn Wilson and John Hodgman think it's worth following someone, that's good enough for me. Martin's comedy is built on meticulously crafted one-liners, so it's interesting to see him a little more unedited. It also helps if you read it with the comedian's trademark deadpan delivery echoing in your head.
Choice Tweets:
Last LA thing. Jamba Juice. Dude asks me what "boost" I want. So I asked if they had "superhero."
Why do celebrities name their kids cool stiff like Kal-el and Inspektor Pilot? Cuz I have 864 Katies/Saras following me. They all have cats.
Following / Followers
84 / 62,346
Nerd-icon-on-the-rise Felicia Day (Buffy, Dr. Horrible) doesn't aim to be particularly insightful or hilarious. However, if you spend too much time on the Internet (rhetorical statement, you're here), you will fall in love with her. The savvy PR to reality ratio is still in question, but she's a cute, excitable redhead who posts intelligently about video games, graphic novels and personally knowing Joss Whedon. OK, champ, we're done here, you can put your pants back on.
Choice Tweets:
Cleaning up house, found an unopened copy of Spore, realized I never played it! GAH! Must remedy!
Started my Graphic Novel education, training myself to not speed through the text and appreciate the art is a learning curve, but worth it.
Following / Followers
380 / 87,931
Like some of his previous forays into mass media, namely Shazaam and Shaq Fu, THE_REAL_SHAQ blurs the line between unintelligible train wreck and sublime performance art. The posts run high on stream-of-consciousness and low on spell check, and range from short words of wisdom (usually self-attributed) to his signature one-liners (always capped with "lol" 'cause, you know, it's a joke). I could go on, but the man's bio says it best: "VERY QUOTATIOUS, I PERFORM RANDOM ACTS OF SHAQNESS".
Random act of Shaqness
Choice Tweets:
Just leavn lebrons party, i have no voice, can u hear this , ................... C i told u , no voice, lol
Random act of Shaqness #2
Ok i admit it i at performance enhancing frosted flakes 2 yrs ago, lol
Random act of Shaqness #3
If your n a bad place rt now, the best is yet to come Shaquille o'neal
Images courtesy of one man Photoshop powerhouse Randall S. Maynard.
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