The 6 Most Pathetic Attempts to Get Super Bowl Tickets
So you're a football fan who's desperate to get your hands on some Super Bowl tickets. You can't afford to buy any without selling your car and two major organs, and you have absolutely no other useful possessions, or even skills, to offer the world.
What do you do? You post a sad, desperate plea on the Internet. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. But either way, Cracked will make fun of you.
Woman Sells Ad Space on Pregnant Stomach
There are some fantastic wives in this world, and then there is Jennifer Gordon. At eight months pregnant, a time when many women would be raining down hellfire on their husbands for even daring to watch football, she hatched a foolproof plan to get her and her man to Super Bowl XLI in person. Hell. Yes.
All she had to do was go on the Internet and offer to paint any message on her pregnant belly in exchange for Super Bowl tickets. Wait, did we say the plan was foolproof? We think that was the wrong word.
Naturally, being that this is the Internet, the offers poured in. Would she get off merely having to paint her belly to look like the Death Star? Or some 4chan meme, such as a dude in an afro saying, "VAGINA'S CLOSED"? Or, would she find herself at the 50-yard line with "THE DADDY COULD BE ANY OF SIX NAMELESS HOBOS" stamped in giant letters on her abdomen?
After sifting through over 200 offers, many of which were described as "wacky" or "X-rated" (who could have predicted that?), she got off with merely having to advertise a Chicago-based company called UBid.com (auctions? On the Internet? Why didn't anyone else think of that?!).
eBay already shotgunned the fetus.
UBid.com lamely just had her put the logo on her belly, passing up countless opportunities for meta humor, ie, "BID FOR MY VIRGINITY AT UBID.COM!" You got off easy this time, Jennifer Gordon.
Troy Polamalu Lookalike Will Bang Your Wife
With this guy we go from real fan dedication to whatever you call the opposite of that. In the whole universe of people offering extraordinary stuff in exchange for tickets to the big game, we have this Craigslist posting. What does this guy have to offer? Well, you know, whatever. On the short list of mundane tasks he's willing to take off your hands: shoveling your snow for a year, fixing your pipes, driving your kids around or repairing your computer.
That's right, for the ultra-low price of just relinquishing your multi-thousand dollar Super Bowl ticket, he will, literally, perform hundreds of dollars worth the mundane tasks.
Of course none of that would qualify him for this list on its own. No, it's his casual offer to "bang your wife" that he throws on the same list as "repair your computer" that we admire. It's hard to imagine a scenario where this would be useful, or at least useful to the tune of being worth giving up seats at the Super Bowl. We can only think of one:
The wife is a huge Steelers fan. The husband hates football, but was going to be dragged to the Super Bowl after his wife got tickets. So one day before the game, he leaves the wife home alone. She gets a knock at the door, and opens it to see this dude standing there in his number 43 jersey. "Ma'am, I'm Troy Polamalu, of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I cannot explain why, but I need your Super Bowl tickets. And I will do anything to get them. Anything. Oh, please excuse me, my Troy Polamalu dong has just slipped out of my pants."
Please, Help a Poor Family Out
These are tough economic times. The stock market is struggling, unemployment is kicking all sorts of ass and, lately, Cracked has taken to paying its writers in unused flooz.com credits. But do lean times have to mean people miss out on a trip to the big game? Of course not.
Take this destitute family's Craigslist posting, for example. The headline says it all: "need Super Bowl tix for me and my 3 kids - We are poor."
And just in case that plea didn't tug on the ol' heartstrings enough to get people to give up their tickets for free, the ad went on to explain that the hard-luck family would pay $5200.00 for the four tickets.
My destitute family thanks you for your kindness.
Apparently, between the time the ad was first run and now, someone asked why they wouldn't use the five grand on, say, food or rent. The post was then edited to confess that the whole "poor" thing was an exaggeration. Oh and, apparently, this heart-of-gold schemer doesn't have kids either.
No, you misunderstand, I meant that I'm morally bankrupt.
So it was a pretty good plan, except for... well, every word of that stuff we described up there. But if you'd like to send a wealthy fuckstick and three friends to Tampa, that offer is still on the table.
Willing to Trade "Hugh" Stone Ring
On the surface, this Craigslist ad seems plausible enough. A man wants to trade a hideously ugly diamond ring for two Super Bowl tickets.
Among the features listed are a total diamond weight of 3.21 carats (to quote the ad, the stones are "HUGH") and a vow that "YOU ARE NOT SAFE ON ANY STREETS WITH THIS RING ON...:)." That's probably true, provided you're also wearing a lime green suit and drinking from a bejeweled chalice. Trust us, the police frown upon outdoor pimpin'. It's safer to do that in private.
Man, that ring would look perfect right here. Chuuuch!
But something about the promise that the ring comes with an authentic appraisal, valuing it at $5,600, raises one important question: Why not just sell the fucking ring?
Sure, there is a slight chance that somewhere out there, some enterprising Super Bowl ticket seller is looking to unload their bounty on that special someone who can provide them with the perfect piece of jewelry to complete their Slick Rick starter set.
It's like they say: If Roy Horn found another gay tiger-tamer to love him, anything is possible. And yes, someone does say that, look it up. But anyway, why wait around for magic like that to happen? Most people selling Super Bowl tickets are asking for cash in return. If the ring is worth that much scratch, pawn that bitch and have a blast in Tampa!
But things get even more suspect later on in the ad when the ring owner states that "SCAMMERS AND CON ARTIST WELCOMED....:)." We're not quite sure what to make of that, but we have a feeling the final transaction will involve a plastic ring from a Lil Jon Halloween costume being exchanged for a slip of paper that says "SUPER BOLL TIKETS" in crayon.
Got Tickets? Destroy My Car!
Man, Super Bowl XLI (featuring the Indianapolis Colts and the Chicago Bears) really brought out the best in people. That's the game the "paint my unborn child" lady was trying to get into, and this is the second of three entries on this list from desperate fans trying to get into what was destined to be a mediocre game (was it because of Prince?).
It's no coincidence that, if we had tickets, we probably would have given in on all three.
This one comes from a Canadian guy who was willing to destroy his Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra in exchange for tickets. We know what you're thinking, and surprisingly, the answer is yes. They do have cars in Canada. Who knew?
The other thing you're thinking is what in the hell a ticket-holder would have to gain from watching this sad man destroy his own shitty car, unless you had some kind of weirdly specific sexual fetish for that kind of thing.
Well, according to the article, the guy also offered to let whoever provided the tickets destroy the car themselves, if they chose to. Now that's a barter we could get behind. Sure, it would be much cheaper to just go out and buy your own shitty Cutlass to destroy, but then, you're not destroying some other dude's car. That's way more satisfying--as the legions of crazy ex-girlfriends in the world can attest.
The only catch is you'd better ask for plenty of documentation of ownership, as it seems like there's a pretty good chance you're going to be taking a sledgehammer to this guy's neighbor's car.
Woman Auctions Herself
In what has to be the most wildly successful Super Bowl ticket scheme of all time, a Los Angeles area Bears fan named Sarah Spain posted an Ebay ad offering to be some lucky fan's date to Super Bowl XLI.
She already had airfare and a place to stay, she just needed a dude misguided enough to think that coughing up a ticket would lead to anything other than a female filling the seat next to him, and filling the game with long, awkward silences.
"I sure am looking forward to not having sex with you."
At one point, the bidding reached an obviously not serious $99 million. And that's when Axe Body Spray stepped in. Rather than have a hot chick see even one dream go unfulfilled, God forbid, they gave Sarah four end zone tickets to the game. One for her, two for her friends and one for a guy she would choose as part of a contest they would run.
In the end, some dude named Alan Shahtaji emerged victorious. According to Sarah, when asked if he would miss any of the game to get her and her two friends beer, he replied that he absolutely would not. This, apparently, was what put him over the top. Chicks truly do dig assholes.
Since her time as an Axe Bodyspray promotion, Sarah has gone on to a gig with mouthpiecesports.com and has been featured in a commercial with Bears kick returner/wide receiver Devin Hester.
We're not saying that being a hot chick is like winning the lottery every week. We're just saying keep this story in mind when Rent-A-Center confiscates your 52" LCD due to nonpayment. We're guessing no feminine body spray manufacturers are going to come riding to your rescue.
Adam writes for ScenicAnemia.com and is favored by 6 points in Super Bowl XLIII.
For more ridiculousness from Craigslist, check out The 10 Most Sexually Unappealing Craigslist Postings and The 10 Creepiest Craigslist Casual Encounters.
Or, visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to see what our top picks are for the Super Bowl (warning: That was a lie).