Elderly people tend to choose sweet as the taste of choice, since it's the most pleasant, and also because scientific evidence indicates old people with pants full of salt licks are often assaulted by deer and left confused and disheveled at local malls.
Driving at Walking Speed
It's interesting to note that old people driving skills bare a striking resemblance to objects approaching the speed of light. Physics tells us that the closer you get to the speed of light, the slower time goes until, presumably, time would hit a dead stop. Likewise, the older people get, the closer their driving speed gets to being slow as shit. We can theorize that the oldest human in the world, if placed behind the wheel of a car, would somehow be able to burn an entire tank of gas whilst going absolutely nowhere.
This sad state of affairs is actually caused by a delightful stew of decrepitude faced by all of us as we age. From the top down, elderly drivers get to experience a variety of ills like glaucoma and macular degeneration which cause eyesight to degrade; thus limiting their ability to gauge what's coming on the road ahead. Hearing loss further kicks you in your old guy crotch by taking out another sense necessary for drivers to be fully aware of what's going on.
Ignoring the road would be dangerous if they were actually moving.
But worst of all, the rest of the human body follows suit. Age takes its toll on the muscles and nervous system, causing a lack of flexibility and slower reaction times. Knowing your reactions are slower makes it seem like the outside world is going terrifyingly fast.
Thus your grandfather is now deathly afraid to go above 30 mph, knowing he can't see or hear what's ahead or behind him and can't get out of the way fast enough even if he could.
So when you're late for work and get stuck behind one of these guys, and swear out loud that you'll never be a slow driving, high pants-wearing, hard candy-sucking Yoda, just remember: at your age, that's what they said, too.
"I'm you! From the fuuuture!"
For more rational explanations for irrational behavior check out 5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science. Or find out about what scientists have to say about your junk in 6 Sex Myths as Explained by Science.
And visit the Cracked.com Top Picks before you get too old and crotchety to care.