9 Innocent Google Searches That Get Porn On the First Page

9

"Eat"

Safe Filter On:

Right away, we saw how the Google SafeSearch feature is basically a dam holding back a flood of depravity. For instance, when searching for "eat" with SafeSearch on, everything looks pretty clean. Our first result is a miniaturized version of a McDonald's value meal which, surprisingly, still contains over 1000 calories. The most tantalizing picture is one of a couple sharing an intimate moment at an expensive restaurant.

We can only imagine that a seedy motel and a milk maid's uniform are in their near future. Now let's turn off SafeSearch...

Filter Off:

Whoa! Alrighty. We've still got our value meal as our first image, but the very next one is a woman in the middle of an ass cheek sandwich.

You think you're out of the woods with a tasteful 50s toddler eating, and them POW! There's our childhood hero, Elmo, partaking in some carnal pleasure.

The next row of pics kicks off with a wide open panorama of vagina.

Thanks, internet. We searched for the word "eat," and in the top 10 results we saw more genitals eaten than food. Not a promising start. Or very promising. We're not here to judge.

8

"The Great Outdoors"

Safe Filter On:

Why, a search for "The Great Outdoors" gives us a poster for the family friendly 1988 comedy starring Dan Ackroyd and John Candy! What could be more wholesome than that?

The raciest image in the top 10 is a model in a one-piece swimsuit advertising Budweiser. Surely this search phrase is more than safe for, say, the young Cub Scout in your home looking for camping sites. So let's take the filter off...

Filter Off:

First is still John Candy and Dan Ackroyd, second is some generic mountains. Then, the internet having dispensed of all non-porn images of the great outdoors, gives us a full frontal naked lady as the third result.

In the second row, there's John and Dan again, right next to an equally naked lady bending over (thanks, sluttymexicans.com!). In the top 10 results for "The Great Outdoors" the internet has delivered every inch of the female anatomy, and the boobs outnumber the mountains 6 to 2.

7

"Sunny"

Safe Filter On:

Ah, just what we'd expect. First pic for "sunny" is a nice looking beach with smooth sand, pleasant palm trees, a nice ocean view and no other people around. Beaches and the sun take up most of the results, in fact... but not all. For Sunny is a woman's name, and this is the internet.

6

"Small"

Safe Filter On:

Ah, now we're surely in a no-porn zone. A generic adjective like "small" has an infinity of non-naked possibilities. Sure enough, with SafeSearch on we get intestines, cars, fonts, a guy on a morgue slab and two women with the last name Small.

There is something else from this search that is also small: our hope for seeing any titties.

Filter Off:

One breast, two breasts, three breasts, four. Five breasts, six breasts, seven breasts, whore. In the first six results for this random, bland word we've got four naked women, an odd number of breasts and a picture of a small dick. Everyone wins! Except for the guy with the miniscule manhood.

5

"Big"

Safe Filter On:

Well, "small" worked out so well, we might as well go the other way. A lot of pictures of the ocean and waves, for some reason (because the ocean is... big?). Big game, big bang, big oil, and the smallest hint of a scantily clad woman in the second row.

4

"Woah"

Safe Filter On:

So you try a nonsense word like "woah" and what do you get? Bunch of pictures of Keanu Reeves, right?

How about boobies, in the very first image on safe search. Huge, cartoon, barely covered boobies. Oh, and the lady has a red scarf in her mouth for some reason.

The second result is one of those classic internet "WTF" pictures that in fact did make us say, "woah." Good work, Google.

Filter Off:

Give us a moment here, while we go gouge out our eyes and move to a monastery. And not because of the guy swinging his dick in our faces on the very first result, though that certainly didn't help. No, it's the woman on the second result. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING ON HER LAP?

It's like some skinless slimy alien probe oozing up to put the moves on her.

3

"Inspector Gadget"

Safe Filter On:

For once, the result turns up exactly what we were expecting: pictures of Inspector Gadget. Even better, most are of the cartoon version that entertained many kids in the 80s and had Gadget voiced by Don Adams, rather than the shitty movie with Matthew Broderick.

We were delighted to think back to a simpler time, when we didn't have all these adult worries like paying our bills by searching for Inspector Gadget porn for Cracked.

Should be no problem to turn the filter off...

Filter Off:

Ah, nothing to see here. Same lineup of images. Only... they seem to be offset by one, as if one extra image has entered the lineup. Let's look down at the end of the second row...

Oh, holy shit. That would appear to be Inspector Gadget fucking his little girl Penny.

Wow. Cartoon porn, incest, pedophilia, it's the Dateline: To Catch A Predator trifecta. DAMN YOU, GOOGLE!

All right. We're going all the way. Let's try "Lord."

2

"Lord"

Safe Filter On:

1

"Nuns"

Safe Filter On:

Come on, internet! It's nuns! But even with the safe search on, what do we get?

Five nuns, ten ass cheeks and one trip straight to hell. While we knew Catholic schools played a large role in the fantasies of males of all ages, it usually involved plaid schoolgirl outfits, not nuns. Right?

Wrong. If you were actually searching for a picture of the stern, 200-year old nun we used to censor these images, you'll need to find another search term, because this safe search returns nothing of the kind.

Nuns having fun, nuns with buns, nuns with runs (in their panty hose) and nuns with big 'uns.

Filter Off:

Of all the searches, this is the one that returns the skankiest picture? "Nuns"?

Sure enough, the tenth result is a nun straddling a guy in reverse cowgirl while blowing another dude. Let us stop the article one last time and remind you we didn't search for "naked nuns" or "sexy nuns" or "nun cowgirl + blowjob." Just "nuns."

It's not just one pic, either. We also have two nuns in a field enjoying each other's God given body, and another of a nun painting a naked dude (perhaps just moments before naked cowgirl blowjob action ensues).

Oddly, only with the filter off did we find the stern nun we ended up using to censor all these images. Bloody wrists with ruler indentations await us if we don't close the browser right freaking now.

Want more NSFW goodness? Then check out "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn. Or check out The 15 Worst Porno Ideas Possible.