9 Innocent Google Searches That Get Porn On the First Page
Some say the internet is a cesspool of depravity, where even searching for an innocent phrase like "water sports" will return filth. But it can't be that bad, right?
Using Google Image Search, we tried some common and completely non-dirty words with the "SafeSearch" filter on and then off. What we found left us shocked, disgusted and highly, highly aroused.
To help our readers avoid at-work-arousal, we decided to censor the naughty bits with a disapproving nun.
God hates your boner.
Not that we should need to censor anything, since we're only searching innocent words like ...
"Eat"
Safe Filter On:
Filter Off:
You think you're out of the woods with a tasteful 50s toddler eating, and them POW! There's our childhood hero, Elmo, partaking in some carnal pleasure.
Related: 9 Horrifying Foods You Won't Believe People Actually Eat
"The Great Outdoors"
Safe Filter On:
Filter Off:
Related: 12 Things To Make Your Next Outdoor Excursion Much, Much Better
"Sunny"
Safe Filter On:
Filter Off:
Shove a dildo up our butts, we were right.Speaking of dildos, it appears that Sunny and her friend Roxy above are enjoying one of their courses at the "lesbian training blog."
Related: 'It's Always Sunny': The Gang Will Always Be Trash
"Small"
Safe Filter On:
Filter Off:
Related: 6 Small Math Errors That Caused Huge Disasters
"Big"
Safe Filter On:
Filter Off:
We were worried with this one. There's a lot of ways "big" can go wrong on the internet. So let's just click the button...Big Tits
Big Booty
Big Tits
Big Dick
Big Boobs
Okay, we're starting to think any word we type in that search box will get us a porn-splosion. Maybe if we just start making up words...
Related: 5 Big Science Stories That Were Total BS
"Woah"
Safe Filter On:
How about boobies, in the very first image on safe search. Huge, cartoon, barely covered boobies. Oh, and the lady has a red scarf in her mouth for some reason.
The second result is one of those classic internet "WTF" pictures that in fact did make us say, "woah." Good work, Google.
Filter Off:
So to recap, the first four images for "woah" are:
Man swinging cock at camera;
Woman fucking slime alien;
Huge-titted cartoon puking a scarf;
Dudes torturing an alien in a shower.
As of now we are having serious doubts about this project. Let's take this as far in the other direction as possible. Let's try...
Related: Oooh, 'Gamer Girl' Looks So, So Bad
"Inspector Gadget"
Safe Filter On:
We were delighted to think back to a simpler time, when we didn't have all these adult worries like paying our bills by searching for Inspector Gadget porn for Cracked.
Should be no problem to turn the filter off...
Filter Off:
Ah, nothing to see here. Same lineup of images. Only... they seem to be offset by one, as if one extra image has entered the lineup. Let's look down at the end of the second row...
Wow. Cartoon porn, incest, pedophilia, it's the Dateline: To Catch A Predator trifecta. DAMN YOU, GOOGLE!
All right. We're going all the way. Let's try "Lord."
Related: 5 Ways 'Inspector Gadget' Totally Predicted the Future
"Lord"
Safe Filter On:
Otherwise the geeks dominate this page with Lord of the Rings results taking up several spots, and Lord Kelvin near the top. This not only isn't porn, we're firmly in realm of the virgins. Seems like we're out of the disturbing porn woods, guys!
Filter Off:
Woah! We have a gay bondage porn emergency here!
Lord and Lady Kelvin don't seem phased by this. Though, up close, the Lord's eyes appear to be closed.
Related: Did 'The Lord Of The Rings' Rip-Off ... 'The Lord Of The Rings'?
"Nuns"
Safe Filter On:
Five nuns, ten ass cheeks and one trip straight to hell. While we knew Catholic schools played a large role in the fantasies of males of all ages, it usually involved plaid schoolgirl outfits, not nuns. Right?
Wrong. If you were actually searching for a picture of the stern, 200-year old nun we used to censor these images, you'll need to find another search term, because this safe search returns nothing of the kind.
Filter Off:
Of all the searches, this is the one that returns the skankiest picture? "Nuns"?It's not just one pic, either. We also have two nuns in a field enjoying each other's God given body, and another of a nun painting a naked dude (perhaps just moments before naked cowgirl blowjob action ensues).
Want more NSFW goodness? Then check out "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn. Or check out The 15 Worst Porno Ideas Possible.