With election season in full swing and an economic crisis threatening to cast the entire world back to the Stone Age, the internet has been bombarded by articles about politics and finance in recent weeks. This isn’t particularly surprising - whoever ends up in the White House will guide the policy dialogue for the foreseeable future, and the harsh economic realities we’re facing will impact billions of people around the globe - but I’ve had a funny feeling over the last few days like we’ve been leaving something out of the conversation. Some fundamentally important question needed answering, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.
Then it hit me: What’s with all the horrible acting in porno?
Nobody ever said making porno was going to be easy, but some of the things they’re letting slide in the San Fernando Valley are simply too egregious to ignore. Here’s a by-no-means-comprehensive list of six of the worst offenders.
The Scenario:
A Hungarian “student” named Anita (who looks suspiciously like a stripper) has moved to America to learn English (from a professor who looks suspiciously like a porn star). In introducing her to the country, the “professor” warns Anita about the unbelievably dangerous “garter snakes” in the area. Naturally, Anita is attacked by one a few seconds later, prompting the “professor” to punch it in the face and save the day. He then offers to show Anita a different, less scary snake, presumably his penis, which she then (presumably) wrestles to the ground and punches in the face1.
Why It Doesn’t Work:
You weren’t hired for your awesome fighting skills, nor for your superb acting skills. You were hired to bang a chick on camera. You’re not Sly, you’re not Arnold… hell, you’re barely Van Damme. Leave the action sequences to the professionals and start boning already.
Also, if you’re pretending that garter snakes are venomous python-sized monsters that drop out of trees to attack poor, defenseless Hungarian porn stars, then why in the name of God would you want to WRESTLE one? Furthermore, do snake experts typically advocate the use of elbow drops when dealing with venomous python-sized monsters? I think not.
And while I’m at it, why in the name of God is this foreign exchange student from Hungary studying English by aimlessly wandering around in a Los Angeles backyard? Is this supposed to be some sort of specialized immersion program where students live with (and get boned by) their professors, and if so, where can I sign up to “teach”?
1 For the uninitiated, this clip was featured in the Daily Nooner “Nobody Ever Said Being A Porn Star Was Going To Be Easy.”
The Scenario:
When two young women decide to beat the summer heat by playing frisbee - makes sense already, right? - they accidentally knock a male jogger unconscious. Afraid they’re going to get in trouble of some sort, they drag the unconscious man to a house and discuss how they’re going to “get rid of the body.” Then, to everyone’s surprise, the man wakes up, one of the girls reveals that she can’t go to jail because she’s “only a teenager,” and then they all have sex with each other.
Why It Doesn’t Work:
The vast majority of of all pornos begin and end on private property. Know why? Because it’s legal to have sex there. Starting a scene off in a public park might seem like a good idea on paper, but as a porn director you need to do some preparation: Can you get permits to film people fucking in the middle of a park? (No.) How are you going to get them from the park (where they can’t have sex) to a couch (where they can)? If your answer is “They’ll hit him in the head with a frisbee, drag his unconscious body to a house, and then fuck him to make sure he doesn’t press charges,” then congratulations: You have what it takes to be a porn director.
Are you familiar with Occam’s Razor? Well it applies to porn, too, and the simplest plot is probably the best one. That being said, if it takes more than a sentence or two to explain why a threesome is about to happen IN A PORNOGRAPHIC FILM then, well, you’re probably doing something wrong - doubly so if that explanation involves lawsuits and disposing of a corpse. (Unless you’re into that sort of thing.)
The Scenario:
An intimate moment between a young couple is spoiled… by brain cancer.
Why It Doesn’t Work:
Because brain cancer is the opposite of a boner.
The Scenario:
Upon hearing that a (presumably male) driver is headed somewhere close to her house, a comely young lady asks for a ride home.
Why It Doesn’t Work:
The scenario itself - the timeless “Can I Have A Ride” story (Stock Pornographic Plot #127) - is actually a totally serviceable one, but the delivery of this key bit of dialogue is crucial to the success of the film. If the girl can’t ask for a ride in a clear and concise way, then how is the guy supposed to know what she’s talking about? If the guy doesn’t know what she’s talking about, then how is he supposed to drive her home? And perhaps most importantly, if he doesn’t drive her home, then how is she supposed to blow and/or bone him as a token of gratitude?
On another, more practical level, boners require a complex interplay between brain signals, nerve synapses and blood vessels. With an absolutely insane sentence like “would it be possible to drop me off near there, I live right near there, my roommate just dropped me off” bouncing around inside the viewer’s brain, how is he supposed to get down to the task at hand? I know film is expensive and 70s pornography was shot on a shoestring budget, but somebody really should have yelled “CUT!” on this one.
The Scenario: A guy sets an unbelievably complicated trap to ensare his “hot” older neighbor involving a fake break-up, Visine, and some Oscar-worthy method acting skills.
Why It Doesn’t Work:
Because they aren’t actors. They also aren’t skilled improv professionals, and yet here they are, working without a script and clumsily inching toward a boning session with no clue as to how they’re actually going to get there. Who is the brunette, and why is she so mad at this guy? If she’s so mad, then why is she willing to help him get laid? What’s all that stuff about the bills at the beginning? What does that have to do with boning?! None of this makes sense.
The nature of pornography dictates that the people in it have to screw. That’s the name of the game. And while I understand that the actors might not be boning right when the camera starts rolling, and that this will inevitably require a segue of some sort to take them from “Not Boning” to “Boning,” here’s an idea: Why not start the camera after they’re already boning? Or, you know, just edit out all the stuff that isn’t boning?
Oh - but leave in the part where he’s like “I RULE!” at the end. That and the cartwheels. In fact, make all pornos end that way from now on.
Fuck it - I’m moving to the San Fernando Valley.
The Scenario: Two drunk Russians’ tank breaks down in front of Sarah Palin’s house. They ask to use her phone to call the Kremlin, drop a few lame pick-up lines, and then bang her silly on the couch. Todd, Trig and the gang are mysteriously absent.
Why It Doesn’t Work: I have absolutely no problem with this one, actually. It’s perfect.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 21st, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Porn, Video. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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June 3rd, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Sweet blog. I never know what I am going to come across next. I think you should do more posting as you have some pretty intelligent stuff to say.
I’ll be watching you .
April 8th, 2009 at 6:55 am
oh yes its viry god vidies
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:15 pm
hehehhehee
i totally agree with this whole phucking thing, i do.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
It’s fucking hard to watch tese you know! Because, YouTube takes clips down. So then the basis of the article is fucked. To fix this, you should have all videos be uploaded to Cracked’s youtube account so they can’t be randomly taken down.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Who says “Let’s get Rid Of The Body!” in Number 2? I have her on another video and she is really hot and I frankly wish to masturbate while watching some free online video clips if someone can direct me to it. Fuck you all, I am not the only one…
March 19th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Its a shame the brain cancer clip is down. that sounded hilarious.
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Wow, pretty cool when none of your video links work.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
OMG FOREVER. this was the funniest thing in the godd*mn UNIVERSE!!!!!!!
fucking hysterical. love it! laughed so hard I thought I was going to need new underwear. only complaint- #1 is missing, darn it.
and im not too ashamed to say im going to check that link from Candace for #6!
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:21 pm
You got to check this video out I found on Youtube. Its badass.
Let me know what you guys think.
youtube video
November 24th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
here’s the first G-rated minute of Who’s Nailin’ Palin’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPeMYNLP22Q
November 21st, 2008 at 8:33 pm
That “Who’s Nailin’ Palin” video actually looks pretty interesting. I’m just waiting for the sequel, “Who’s Ridin’ Biden”
Ba-dum-pish
November 20th, 2008 at 12:15 am
i may just add number 4 to my ipod. that was priceless
November 17th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Anyone know where the Nailin’ Palin video can be found? I was sure youtube wouldn’t have been the only place, but I can get ahold of it.
November 12th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
I’m sad to admit I want to watch the 6th one. I believe it’s called “Who’s Nailin’ Palin”… or if not there are more than one because I remember hearing that title from someone (i’m 19… all guys talk about if parties and sex… most of which are doing neither ever…)
November 9th, 2008 at 8:39 am
NO! they took away #6. Damn it youtube!!!
November 8th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
#4 is fantastic, the very defintion of smooth…
November 7th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
i’ve watched no. 4 about 10 times
i’m still falling about the place laughing!!
fucking hilarious
November 6th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
lala i bet you’d fuck the snake in #1
November 6th, 2008 at 7:42 am
sexy babe, I love the pictures both sexy and funny
October 30th, 2008 at 10:39 am
This was hiliarious! I laughed like crazy all the way through. Do yourself a favor and don’t watch the videos, though.
October 27th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I’d fuck the guy in #2…
October 27th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
lmao the guy in the first one is wearing a Canada shirt talking about america, also gartner snakes are about 2-3 feet long tops and dont even have teeth wtf…also the girl in the second one whos “only a teenager” looks about mid thirties solid effort on her part though
October 26th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Check out http://www.DanielDickey.com
It’s A Virtual Handjob, It’s Where Midgets Are Made, It’s Sex With Dinosuars, It’s Where Gay Monsters Go To Relax, It’s A Vagina Cafe.
Daniel Dickey
October 25th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
The one about Palin was deffinetly the best one….100 Kudos to the writer(s).
October 25th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
“Anita (who looks suspiciously like a stripper)”
Uh, this is because a lot of Hungarian women dress like strippers.
October 24th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I know too much about all these movies…way too much.
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
@ J-Pappi: Hey, me too!
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:36 am
I agree that there’s bad acting, but I disagree that there’s anything wrong with it. That’s the beauty of it- it’s hilariously bad- making you laugh before getting one off. God I wish my wife could master that one-two punch combo!
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:23 am
It’s a nice walk down memory lane; seeing glendoor42’s wife again.
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Holy shit! I totally downloaded number one about three months ago and laughed myself silly whilst doing bong hits. Good job.
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I just want to say that whoever produced #6 is a genius, and I am in no way sarcastic here. 100% seriously — this guy is a mad genius.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:45 am
Faux-Palin is a far more eloquent and competent world leader than the real thing.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
High-larious. Well done.
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 am
haha funniest thing on cracked.com in ages
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:10 am
I’m guessing that the exchange student, “Anita,” has a last name along the lines of “Goodfuckin.”
October 22nd, 2008 at 6:00 am
Need help dealing with difficult times? Visit http://www.dealwithit.eu
Genuine advice based on years of research
October 22nd, 2008 at 2:43 am
Scuse me, but I think… I dropped something… (shit shit shit what was it… uh uh uh) my jaw.
October 22nd, 2008 at 2:13 am
OMG fred i agree with you so much
When the guy sais ” i think i droped something, my jaw”
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:21 am
That last one is like what would happen on Home Movies if the kids were 24. I love it.
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:26 am
Hahaha, the Palin one is awesome.
October 21st, 2008 at 11:37 pm
[...] Digg and Cracked, here’s the first safe-for-work minute of “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin”. The [...]
October 21st, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I love the acting skills in the first video. Top notch, and Who’s Nailin’ Paylin… wonder if the Paylin family will watch this at the Family Movie Night?
October 21st, 2008 at 10:49 pm
That Sarah Palin looks convincing enough, but she doesn’t have that tinny fingernails-on-the-blackboard accent full of hokey dropped-gs and oddly warped vowels.
October 21st, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I have… Brain cancer.
October 21st, 2008 at 7:06 pm
man fucking Larry Flynt got the Sarah Palin one taken off
what fucking bullshit, I’d like to push his ass down some stairs
October 21st, 2008 at 6:19 pm
It’s funny cause real garter snakes are only about 2 feet long and less than an inch in diameter. I like how he fights it with no apparent struggle, just a lot of grunts.
October 21st, 2008 at 6:04 pm
lol @ i have brain cancer! hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.TOKILLFOR.com
October 21st, 2008 at 5:46 pm
would it be possible to drop me off near there, I live right near there, my roommate just dropped me off
October 21st, 2008 at 5:23 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osGVmRBSyDc
October 21st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
That is all.
October 21st, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Does the Kremlin have a phone? Is it one of those big red ones with a flashing light on top?
The only thing that could make that scene funnier is if the Ruskies wear their big bearskin hats and shout ‘oiski boiski’ while seeing to Sarah.
‘OISKI BOISKI BOIIIISKI’
October 21st, 2008 at 3:04 pm
What’s funnier still is if you click on one of the links that comes up on the “Nailin’ Paylin” video–it takes you to an extended debate on Fox News. Particularly of note:
“Might there be some actual confusion to the non-educated mind out there that Governor Palin might have something to do with this ridiculous video?”
and:
“There’s gonna be an undercurrent suggesting somehow that this is how Sarah Palin lives her life; that there’s some deep dark secret she has; that she has a fantasy about this kind of stuff…”
Now THAT’S political commentary.
October 21st, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Why the hell did the russians complain about a flat tyre when the tank’s clearly on fire?
October 21st, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Adrian, I belive he qualified that by adding “North America”. Not only does he teach English, but geography too!
October 21st, 2008 at 1:42 pm
“Welcome to America”
Then why do you have a Canada t-shirt?
October 21st, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Oh how I loved The Daily Nooner. Your video blogs are my favorites.
I didn’t realize how funny the parts I skip are…
October 21st, 2008 at 12:28 pm
i love how one of the ruskies looks like jemaine from flight of the concords
October 21st, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I’m surprised you didn’t have clips from DOB’s Pizza Boy series. DOB may be a funny writer, but he’s a horrible actor.
October 21st, 2008 at 11:57 am
HAHAHAHAHAHA the end of number 5 was the greatest thing ever… seriously, the cartwheel and that jump in the air were the greatest things ever
October 21st, 2008 at 11:39 am
I’m still waiting for the film where Sarah Palin fists Anne Coulter’s ass while Rumsfeld looks on from the gimp box.
October 21st, 2008 at 11:14 am
“Jeepers crumpets! Who could that be?”
October 21st, 2008 at 10:51 am
Ross, you actually watch p0rnos for the bad acting?
” No honey, I’ ve watched 58 hours of p0rn for an article I’m writing for Cracked.com……. No really, it’s about bad acting”
“You finished the article two days ago, why are you still watching it?”
October 21st, 2008 at 10:12 am
And what about hearing the same sentence over and over for five minutes?
October 21st, 2008 at 10:11 am
Oh great! I now have that fucking line from the 4th entry stuck in my head! Thanks a lot!!!!
October 21st, 2008 at 9:39 am
“Oh, would it be possible to drop me off near there, I live right near there, my roommate just dropped me off”
AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
October 21st, 2008 at 9:21 am
LOL, Excellent picks dude. I think you hit it right on the head dude.
Jiff
http://www.privacy-center.be.tc
October 21st, 2008 at 9:03 am
Olenski2: It is a standard issue weaponised Frisbee. Manufactured by Hasbro Corp, Military Division. These ladies must be in the Coastguard.
October 21st, 2008 at 8:57 am
What the hell is that Frisbee made of? Lead? Concrete? If you are such a wussy that you get knocked out by a Frisbee, I seriously doubt you could handle a good banging. One hard thrust, and your pelvis is shattered!
October 21st, 2008 at 8:50 am
#3 - what? Me and my boyfriend always play ‘I have a terminal illness’ in the bedroom. Last night I had HIV. It was totally hot.
October 21st, 2008 at 8:38 am
What about voice-overs? No one wants to hear a woman who sounds like she’s taken enough valium to kill a horse talking slowly and monotonously about having sex. If we wanted a plot, we would have rented a real move, dammit!!
And background music. What the hell??
October 21st, 2008 at 8:37 am
How cum (cum…get it? LOL) the guy teaching the Hungarian “student” English in America is wearing a “Canada” t-shirt and speaking with a Canadian accent? And that has to be the biggest damn garter snake I’ve ever seen!
October 21st, 2008 at 8:23 am
Hahah, I lawlzed in my pants.
October 21st, 2008 at 8:13 am
that was good.
October 21st, 2008 at 8:10 am
gret article m8! usually i smile and move on but some bitches tried to put this article down, can’t stand that -so i have to say this article is good!
October 21st, 2008 at 7:53 am
“Excuse me, I think I dropped something…my jaw…”
October 21st, 2008 at 7:46 am
GOOD GOD, can we go through one article without mentioning Palin?! SHUT UP already!
October 21st, 2008 at 7:40 am
By the way that guy fights that “snake”, it’s obvious he has some prior experience with… uum….snakes. The screams are a testimony of that also!
October 21st, 2008 at 7:37 am
First time to be first - checking Cracked this early in the morning could be a bad omen for the day