Cracked Columnists

"I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn

With election season in full swing and an economic crisis threatening to cast the entire world back to the Stone Age, the internet has been bombarded by articles about politics and finance in recent weeks. This isn't particularly surprising - whoever ends up in the White House will guide the policy dialogue for the foreseeable future, and the harsh economic realities we're facing will impact billions of people around the globe - but I've had a funny feeling over the last few days like we've been leaving something out of the conversation. Some fundamentally important question needed answering, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

Then it hit me: What's with all the horrible acting in porno?Nobody ever said making porno was going to be easy, but some of the things they're letting slide in the San Fernando Valley are simply too egregious to ignore. Here's a by-no-means-comprehensive list of six of the worst offenders.

No-No #1: Action Sequences (Of A Non-Sexual Nature)

The Scenario:

A Hungarian "student" named Anita (who looks suspiciously like a stripper) has moved to America to learn English (from a professor who looks suspiciously like a porn star). In introducing her to the country, the "professor" warns Anita about the unbelievably dangerous "garter snakes" in the area. Naturally, Anita is attacked by one a few seconds later, prompting the "professor" to punch it in the face and save the day. He then offers to show Anita a different, less scary snake, presumably his penis, which she then (presumably) wrestles to the ground and punches in the face1.

Why It Doesn't Work:

You weren't hired for your awesome fighting skills, nor for your superb acting skills. You were hired to bang a chick on camera. You're not Sly, you're not Arnold... hell, you're barely Van Damme. Leave the action sequences to the professionals and start boning already.

Also, if you're pretending that garter snakes are venomous python-sized monsters that drop out of trees to attack poor, defenseless Hungarian porn stars, then why in the name of God would you want to WRESTLE one? Furthermore, do snake experts typically advocate the use of elbow drops when dealing with venomous python-sized monsters? I think not.

And while I'm at it, why in the name of God is this foreign exchange student from Hungary studying English by aimlessly wandering around in a Los Angeles backyard? Is this supposed to be some sort of specialized immersion program where students live with (and get boned by) their professors, and if so, where can I sign up to "teach"?

1 For the uninitiated, this clip was featured in the Daily Nooner "Nobody Ever Said Being A Porn Star Was Going To Be Easy."

No-No #2: Plots Involving Frisbees and/or Lawsuits

The Scenario:

When two young women decide to beat the summer heat by playing frisbee - makes sense already, right? - they accidentally knock a male jogger unconscious. Afraid they're going to get in trouble of some sort, they drag the unconscious man to a house and discuss how they're going to "get rid of the body." Then, to everyone's surprise, the man wakes up, one of the girls reveals that she can't go to jail because she's "only a teenager," and then they all have sex with each other.

Why It Doesn't Work:

The vast majority of of all pornos begin and end on private property. Know why? Because it's legal to have sex there. Starting a scene off in a public park might seem like a good idea on paper, but as a porn director you need to do some preparation: Can you get permits to film people fucking in the middle of a park? (No.) How are you going to get them from the park (where they can't have sex) to a couch (where they can)? If your answer is "They'll hit him in the head with a frisbee, drag his unconscious body to a house, and then fuck him to make sure he doesn't press charges," then congratulations: You have what it takes to be a porn director.

Are you familiar with Occam's Razor? Well it applies to porn, too, and the simplest plot is probably the best one. That being said, if it takes more than a sentence or two to explain why a threesome is about to happen IN A PORNOGRAPHIC FILM then, well, you're probably doing something wrong - doubly so if that explanation involves lawsuits and disposing of a corpse. (Unless you're into that sort of thing.)

No-No #3: Plots Involving "Brain Cancer"

The Scenario:

An intimate moment between a young couple is spoiled... by brain cancer.

Why It Doesn't Work:

Because brain cancer is the opposite of a boner.

No-No #4: Lazy Editing

The Scenario:

Upon hearing that a (presumably male) driver is headed somewhere close to her house, a comely young lady asks for a ride home.

Why It Doesn't Work:

The scenario itself - the timeless "Can I Have A Ride" story (Stock Pornographic Plot #127) - is actually a totally serviceable one, but the delivery of this key bit of dialogue is crucial to the success of the film. If the girl can't ask for a ride in a clear and concise way, then how is the guy supposed to know what she's talking about? If the guy doesn't know what she's talking about, then how is he supposed to drive her home? And perhaps most importantly, if he doesn't drive her home, then how is she supposed to blow and/or bone him as a token of gratitude?

On another, more practical level, boners require a complex interplay between brain signals, nerve synapses and blood vessels. With an absolutely insane sentence like "would it be possible to drop me off near there, I live right near there, my roommate just dropped me off" bouncing around inside the viewer's brain, how is he supposed to get down to the task at hand? I know film is expensive and 70s pornography was shot on a shoestring budget, but somebody really should have yelled "CUT!" on this one.

No-No #5: Just Fuck Already

The Scenario: A guy sets an unbelievably complicated trap to ensare his "hot" older neighbor involving a fake break-up, Visine, and some Oscar-worthy method acting skills.

Why It Doesn't Work:

Because they aren't actors. They also aren't skilled improv professionals, and yet here they are, working without a script and clumsily inching toward a boning session with no clue as to how they're actually going to get there. Who is the brunette, and why is she so mad at this guy? If she's so mad, then why is she willing to help him get laid? What's all that stuff about the bills at the beginning? What does that have to do with boning?! None of this makes sense.

The nature of pornography dictates that the people in it have to screw. That's the name of the game. And while I understand that the actors might not be boning right when the camera starts rolling, and that this will inevitably require a segue of some sort to take them from "Not Boning" to "Boning," here's an idea: Why not start the camera after they're already boning? Or, you know, just edit out all the stuff that isn't boning?

Oh - but leave in the part where he's like "I RULE!" at the end. That and the cartwheels. In fact, make all pornos end that way from now on.

Fuck it - I'm moving to the San Fernando Valley.

No-No #6: Mixing Porno And Politics

The Scenario: Two drunk Russians' tank breaks down in front of Sarah Palin's house. They ask to use her phone to call the Kremlin, drop a few lame pick-up lines, and then bang her silly on the couch. Todd, Trig and the gang are mysteriously absent.

Why It Doesn't Work: I have absolutely no problem with this one, actually. It's perfect.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Ross Wolinsky

  • Rss

More by Ross Wolinsky:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

136 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!