The 6 Most Disastrous Uses of Work Email Ever
They say you should never write anything in an email that you don't want to see on the front page of the New York Times. And while you may shrug and ask why in the world the Times would print your email about how drunk you got last night, well, you'd be surprised.
These guys found out the hard way.
Peter Chung: Investment Banker, Sex Machine
Peter Chung's future couldn't have been brighter. After graduating from Princeton he landed a sweet job with The Carlyle Group, complete with a fancy apartment. Chung soon found himself tempted by the money, women and fast lane existence that apparently exists in Korea for young investment bankers.
Investment banking in America.
Investment banking in Korea.
Showing off the virtues instilled by his expensive education, 2 weeks after landing his new gig Peter was emailing his friends about his ambitious plans for the future:
" ....CHUNG is going to fuck every hot chick in Korea over the next 2 years (5 down, 1,000,000,000 left to go) the second bedroom is for my harem of chickies...I know I was a stud in NYC but I pretty much get about, on average, 5-8 phone numbers a night and at least 3 hot chicks that say that they want to go home with me every night I go out."
It's all about Seoul.
We're not sure where he got the billion hot chicks from. Either Chung was bad at math or he had no real standards when it came to women. In any event, he had set the bar high for himself and needed some help from his friends back home:
"Oh, by the way, someone's gotta start fedexing me boxes of domes, I brought out about 40 but I think I'll run out of them by Saturday."
We suspect this was not due to any real shortage of "domes" (from the context we assume he means wiener covers) in Korea, but rather to hammer the point home that he was getting some, but in a responsible manner. He might have also been embarrassed to ask his mother to send him condoms in with her usual care package of cookies and socks.
Chung apparently took things a little too far when he boasted about how everyone in the industry was kissing his ass:
"...I have bankers calling me everyday with opportunities and they pretty much cater to my every whim - you know (golfing events, lavish dinners, a night out clubbing)"
A night out clubbing? With bankers? Awesome!
We're not sure what was worse, Peter writing the email in the first place, deciding to send said email from his work account or his choice of friends to send the email to. The result was the email being forwarded to a whole lot of people in the investment banking industry.
Within days, Chung was forced to resign in disgrace, probably with a case of crabs to boot. Thus the Sex King of Korea's reign ended shortly after it began, and his plan to fuck every beautiful woman in the country was likely never realized.
Richard Phillips: Master of the Dick Move
Richard Phillips was a senior associate with the biggest law firm in London (Baker & McKenzie) and as such, was under a lot of pressure to be an even bigger dick than a normal lawyer.
So when a fifty year-old secretary and mother of two accidentally spilled some ketchup on his pants, he saw the perfect opportunity to pull the biggest dick move in the history of the firm by sending her this email:
"Hi Jenny, I went to a dry cleaners at lunch and they said it would cost $4 to remove the ketchup stains. If you could let me have the cash today, that would be much appreciated. Thanks Richard."
Of course, we can't read Richard's mind, so maybe he had some great reason as to why, based on an accident, he had to demand financial restitution from a secretary making a fraction of his six-figure salary. Maybe he suspected it wasn't an accident? Or worse, that it wasn't ketchup.
Either way, when Jenny didn't respond fast enough for his liking he went to her desk a few days later and left her a note to collect the four bucks, without which he could obviously not make his mortgage and car payments.
As it turns out Jenny was a little slow to pony up the cash because her mom had gotten sick and died, which on the grand scale of things ranks slightly higher than paying some bullshit claim for dry cleaning. This explains why she was pissed when she came back to work and she decided to offer a reply:
"Obviously your financial need as a senior associate is greater than mine as a mere secretary. Having already spoken to and shown your email and Anne-Marie's note to various partners, lawyers and trainees in ECC&T and IP/IT, they kindly offered to do a collection to raise the $4"
We think she was being sarcastic. Also, she copied her message to a few hundred people in the office.
Richard's pathetic attempt to get the money and Jenny's subsequent bitch slap response was forwarded to pretty much everyone in the city, and then it was loose on the internet for the whole world to see. Soon the law firm had to respond by investigating the incident (the investigation likely consisted of the partners at the firm asking Richard why he was such an asshole).
This little guy doesn't seem to mind the ketchup.
Eventually Richard resigned from the firm, claiming he wanted to take time off to study and not at all because he became the laughing stock of lawyers everywhere. It may not have worked out much better for Jenny, however, as she also took a leave of absence, indicating co-workers wouldn't deal with her after the incident. Probably not by email, anyway.
Claire Swire Gives a Testimonial for Semen
Claire was an employee of a British Internet provider back in 2000 who had a unique talent for finding and sleeping with total asses. At the time of the incident the latest loser she had found to date was a lawyer named Bradley Chait.
While at work one day Bradley decided to send a joke involving a certain male, sexual bodily fluid (note: WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SEMEN). This apparently was the kind of stuff that turned Claire on and she decided, in her own classy way, to give Bradley a bit of an ego boost by writing him the following:
"I hadn't swallowed in years but yours was yum and very good for me too! Apparently its a very good conditioner for your hair too...getting a funny picture in my head..."
This was obviously a Hallmark moment and that might have been the end of it, but Bradley wasn't the kind of guy to let such an honest and heartfelt sentiment go unnoticed. To make sure all his friends knew what an amazing stud he was, he decided to forward the email to his friends with a note:
"Now THAT'S a nice compliment from a lass, isn't it?"
"My friends need to know how good my semen is."
We can only hope that Bradley had enough sense to realize that he may have made a mistake when one of his friends wrote back telling him that he felt "honour bound" to forward the email on. Soon the world knew that Bradley tasted "yum" and that he was a dick. And also that his friends had a weird sense of "honour."
Bradley and Claire quickly became internet famous, as web surfers everywhere were enthralled with the idea that somewhere in the world two people were having sex.
The website of the law firm where Bradley worked soon crashed from all the people trying to see what Bradley looked like.
There was even some collateral damage as a website of a company that employed a completely different Claire Swire went from an average of 500 hits to over 70,000, confirming once again that even border line pornographic interests can drive Internet traffic like nothing else.
As for the two lovers, Bradley was suspended by his firm and Claire went into hiding, the shame of having once performed oral sex sure to stain her family for the next five generations.
Katrina Nugent and Melinda Bird - HAM FIGHT!
Katrina Nugent and Melinda Bird were a couple of legal secretaries at a law firm in Australia who wanted to relive high school, and apparently felt the firm's email system was the best place for it. The troubles began when Katrina sent an email to her entire floor at the office trying to find out who pulled an Oceans 11 and cleverly stole her ham and cheese sandwich supplies. Melinda, in an attempt to be helpful, responded with this email:
"Katrina, there are items fitting that exact description in the level 20 fridge. Are you sure you didn't place your lunch in the wrong fridge yesterday?"
To normal humans this email was simply someone trying to be helpful, but if you speak skank then you understand that these were obviously fighting words. Being careful to remember to "Reply to All" so that they kept everyone in the loop, the cat fight was on. After some preliminary back-and-forth, Katrina landed this blow:
"I wouldn't trade places with you for "the world"".
We have no idea why she put quotes around "the world" but we suspect that it makes "the world" into something even more awesomely huge than just the normal world thus increasing the power of her put down. This inspired Melinda to pull out something she had been saving since elementary school:
"I wouldn't trade places with you for the world...I don't want your figure!"
This shit just got extremely real.
Melinda then had to let everyone know that Katrina was in fact probably a slut by claiming she had been with a lot of guys. Then in a confusing, or perhaps cunning, twist depending on whether you still watch High School Musical, Melinda ended the fight by writing:
"I have 5 guys at the moment! haha."
It's unclear whether Melinda caught the flaw in her logic, but given that both of them declined to keep the fight to themselves it's unlikely she thought that her argument was anything but brilliant.
The lawyers and other staff who had ringside tickets to this electronic hair pulling were so entertained that they decided to share the emails with people outside the firm as well. Eventually senior partners of the firm were getting the emails from friends ... at other firms.
Katrina and Melinda were fired for misusing the firm's email and for being bitchy to each other in clear contravention of the firm's "No Bitches" policy. The lawyers who sent the email to their friends did not receive any punishment, which totally pissed off Melinda's dad. He considered legal action, until he realized suing a law firm might be like trying to rob a gun store with a knife.
Lucy Gao's Party Will Be Freaking Awesome
Lucy Gao was a 20-year-old intern at Citigroup who was really fucking excited about turning 21. Whether it was because she was looking forward to drinking or because she was finally getting that pony she was promised, she wanted to make sure everything went perfectly.
To help celebrate her big day she planned a party at the Ritz for a few of her friends and sent out an email with the details for the party. Lots and lots of details, with the word "Ritz" inserted like some kind of Tourette Syndrome tic:
" ... to ensure your entry into the Ritz...Lucy's 21st Birthday Party at The Ritz...I have arranged the Ritz to host a Champagne Reception with a selection of Ritz Champagne....A specially made birthday cake has also been ordered and the Ritz waiters will kindly serve you each a generous slice with Ritz cutleries,"
What? No Ritz crackers?
Part of Lucy's problem seemed to be that her friends were apparently complete morons. To help make sure they made it to the party she felt she had to give them explicit directions:
"When asked "how can I help you Sir/Madame?", you reply "I am here for Lucy's Birthday Party at the Rivoli Bar""
She makes it sound like her friends are so incompetent they'd have to be herded to the party like cattle. If so, we can only imagine their disappointment when they finally made it there and realized there wasn't going to be a ravioli bar.
Not a thing.
Lucy also had a fairly strict hierarchy of friends and wanted to make sure everyone knew what their place was in the pecking order, as evidenced by the schedule for arrivals at the end of her email:
"ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]
9:00pm: Lucy, Sophie Sandner, Kajai, Mandeep, Preet, Sanami, Su, Lisa, Kate.
9:15pm: Phoebe, Sophie Seugnet, Theo, Dmitry, Ed, Nikolay, Paul, Nick, Harry.
9:30pm: Marco, Andrea, Jess, Ovi, Yuki, Olga, Kim, Marcelo, Ulyana, Krystal, Dan.
9:45pm: Sunita, Alan, JingJing, Emma.
10:00pm: Anthony, Rachel, Roger, Uli, Yogi, Gharzi"
If you were Sophie, or Kajai, you were one of the chosen few. If you were Anthony or Rachel though you were pretty much one of the kids her mom forced her to invite as you were not allowed to come to the party until 10, even though the champagne reception started at 9.
Sorry, Gharzi. You wait in the elevator until 10:00.
The email was forwarded on by her friends, (probably the pissed off 10 o'clock invitees) and soon made the rounds of all the investment banks. From there it escaped into the internets and here we are. At some point somebody sold t-shirts.
Lucy finally responded to all the people having fun at her expense and tried to convince us that the email was just a joke between her and a couple of her guests. Her comedy stylings no longer appear at Citigroup.
Patrick Smith and the Old Horse Fat
We're not sure what it is about working in a law firm but it appears that all those legal shows where people are screwing like rabbits may have some basis in reality. Patrick Smith had a sweet job with an international law firm and while working one night, got an email from a friend inviting a group of people out to drinks after work. Most people would have replied with a simple yes, but as was demonstrated in his reply, Patrick Smith was not most people.
"Dude, "Carol" (not her real name) wants some of that double penetration action, so let me know when you and the old horse fat are around."
Dramatic reenactment of Old Horse Fat.
It seems Patrick suffered from a condition that made him extremely horny from reading contracts all day. He had spent the day having the same kind of erotic fantasies we've all had. You know the one where you are having hot sex, just you, the girl and your best friend, normal stuff. Let's face it, when having sex doesn't every guy think it would be even better if there was one more wiener involved? Especially if your friend has an awesome name like "Venn King".
"Man, if only there was another hairy dude here this would be perfect."
Carol is believed to be a lawyer at another law firm and the term "old horse fat" is how they say "dick" in England (or at least we hope so). This would mean Patrick was an old horse fat for mistakenly sending his response to his buddy and the other 30 people on the email thread. Patrick's menage a trois invitation remained a secret for about 10 seconds, until his friends managed to stop laughing long enough to hit the forward button.
The partners at his law firm didn't see the humor in all this and in typical fashion suspended him while they investigated. Being high paid lawyers they confirmed that he did in fact use his work email to arrange a tag team and fired him.
Patrick should have known that the proper way to invite a friend to make sweet love to your girlfriend is in person, maybe over a beer. He paid for this breach of etiquette with his job. We were unable to find out what happened to Carol or Venn but we're happy to be able to add "the old horse fat" to our dick vocabulary.
For emails that you don't want to get in your inbox, check out 6 Emails You Get When Your Company Is About to Go Under. Or allow Michael Swaim to take you on a guided tour of The 8 Least Necessary You Tube Tributes in today's video.