Richard Phillips was a senior associate with the biggest law firm in London (Baker & McKenzie) and as such, was under a lot of pressure to be an even bigger dick than a normal lawyer.

So when a fifty year-old secretary and mother of two accidentally spilled some ketchup on his pants, he saw the perfect opportunity to pull the biggest dick move in the history of the firm by sending her this email:

"Hi Jenny, I went to a dry cleaners at lunch and they said it would cost $4 to remove the ketchup stains. If you could let me have the cash today, that would be much appreciated. Thanks Richard."

Of course, we can't read Richard's mind, so maybe he had some great reason as to why, based on an accident, he had to demand financial restitution from a secretary making a fraction of his six-figure salary. Maybe he suspected it wasn't an accident? Or worse, that it wasn't ketchup.

Either way, when Jenny didn't respond fast enough for his liking he went to her desk a few days later and left her a note to collect the four bucks, without which he could obviously not make his mortgage and car payments.

As it turns out Jenny was a little slow to pony up the cash because her mom had gotten sick and died, which on the grand scale of things ranks slightly higher than paying some bullshit claim for dry cleaning. This explains why she was pissed when she came back to work and she decided to offer a reply:

"Obviously your financial need as a senior associate is greater than mine as a mere secretary. Having already spoken to and shown your email and Anne-Marie's note to various partners, lawyers and trainees in ECC&T and IP/IT, they kindly offered to do a collection to raise the $4"

We think she was being sarcastic. Also, she copied her message to a few hundred people in the office.

The Fallout:

Richard's pathetic attempt to get the money and Jenny's subsequent bitch slap response was forwarded to pretty much everyone in the city, and then it was loose on the internet for the whole world to see. Soon the law firm had to respond by investigating the incident (the investigation likely consisted of the partners at the firm asking Richard why he was such an asshole).

This little guy doesn't seem to mind the ketchup.

Eventually Richard resigned from the firm, claiming he wanted to take time off to study and not at all because he became the laughing stock of lawyers everywhere. It may not have worked out much better for Jenny, however, as she also took a leave of absence, indicating co-workers wouldn't deal with her after the incident. Probably not by email, anyway.

"I hadn't swallowed in years but yours was yum and very good for me too! Apparently its a very good conditioner for your hair too...getting a funny picture in my head..."

This was obviously a Hallmark moment and that might have been the end of it, but Bradley wasn't the kind of guy to let such an honest and heartfelt sentiment go unnoticed. To make sure all his friends knew what an amazing stud he was, he decided to forward the email to his friends with a note:

"Now THAT'S a nice compliment from a lass, isn't it?"

"My friends need to know how good my semen is."

We can only hope that Bradley had enough sense to realize that he may have made a mistake when one of his friends wrote back telling him that he felt "honour bound" to forward the email on. Soon the world knew that Bradley tasted "yum" and that he was a dick. And also that his friends had a weird sense of "honour."

The Fallout:

Bradley and Claire quickly became internet famous, as web surfers everywhere were enthralled with the idea that somewhere in the world two people were having sex.

The website of the law firm where Bradley worked soon crashed from all the people trying to see what Bradley looked like.

This.

There was even some collateral damage as a website of a company that employed a completely different Claire Swire went from an average of 500 hits to over 70,000, confirming once again that even border line pornographic interests can drive Internet traffic like nothing else.

As for the two lovers, Bradley was suspended by his firm and Claire went into hiding, the shame of having once performed oral sex sure to stain her family for the next five generations.

"I wouldn't trade places with you for the world...I don't want your figure!"

This shit just got extremely real.

Melinda then had to let everyone know that Katrina was in fact probably a slut by claiming she had been with a lot of guys. Then in a confusing, or perhaps cunning, twist depending on whether you still watch High School Musical, Melinda ended the fight by writing:

"I have 5 guys at the moment! haha."

It's unclear whether Melinda caught the flaw in her logic, but given that both of them declined to keep the fight to themselves it's unlikely she thought that her argument was anything but brilliant.

Unrelated photo

The Fallout:

The lawyers and other staff who had ringside tickets to this electronic hair pulling were so entertained that they decided to share the emails with people outside the firm as well. Eventually senior partners of the firm were getting the emails from friends ... at other firms.

Katrina and Melinda were fired for misusing the firm's email and for being bitchy to each other in clear contravention of the firm's "No Bitches" policy. The lawyers who sent the email to their friends did not receive any punishment, which totally pissed off Melinda's dad. He considered legal action, until he realized suing a law firm might be like trying to rob a gun store with a knife.

"ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]

9:00pm: Lucy, Sophie Sandner, Kajai, Mandeep, Preet, Sanami, Su, Lisa, Kate.

9:15pm: Phoebe, Sophie Seugnet, Theo, Dmitry, Ed, Nikolay, Paul, Nick, Harry.

9:30pm: Marco, Andrea, Jess, Ovi, Yuki, Olga, Kim, Marcelo, Ulyana, Krystal, Dan.

9:45pm: Sunita, Alan, JingJing, Emma.

10:00pm: Anthony, Rachel, Roger, Uli, Yogi, Gharzi"

If you were Sophie, or Kajai, you were one of the chosen few. If you were Anthony or Rachel though you were pretty much one of the kids her mom forced her to invite as you were not allowed to come to the party until 10, even though the champagne reception started at 9.

Sorry, Gharzi. You wait in the elevator until 10:00.

The Fallout:

The email was forwarded on by her friends, (probably the pissed off 10 o'clock invitees) and soon made the rounds of all the investment banks. From there it escaped into the internets and here we are. At some point somebody sold t-shirts.

Lucy finally responded to all the people having fun at her expense and tried to convince us that the email was just a joke between her and a couple of her guests. Her comedy stylings no longer appear at Citigroup.