7 College Scholarships That Require Absolutely No Talent


Paying for college is hard. Sure, there are scholarships out there, but you've got to be some kind of great athlete or genius, right?

Not necessarily. Lucky for you, there are groups who have scholarship money sitting around that they pretty much give out just for the hell of it. Who knows, maybe you qualify for...

The Tall Club Scholarship

Do you hit your head on ceiling fans? Are people constantly asking if you play basketball? Then this scholarship is for you. Before you know it you'll be ducking under the doorways to the best colleges money can buy (for a thousand dollars, anyway).

How Can You Get It?

You have to be a male, at least 6'2'' or a female at least 5'10'. We're not sure if they measure you or make you get something off a really tall shelf or what.

Though looking at their requirements up there, is 6'2" really considered so freakishly tall as to be debilitating? An average-sized dude with really tall hair would qualify. Do they take that into account?

Also, you do have to write an essay titled, "what being tall means to me." There is no minimum for the amount of words in the essay, because the tall club realizes that being tall isn't a skill and it should probably mean nothing to you, except for possibly having to shop at a special store for your clothes and the ability to intimidate anybody who tries to drive the lane.

The Van Valkenburg Memorial Scholarship

Are you sick of people making fun of your last name? Do you wish you could shove it back in their faces? Oh, also, does your last name happen to be Van Valkenburg?

Well if you apply for the Van Valkenburg Memorial Scholarship you could be a thousand bucks closer to a college education.

How Can You Get It?

It's simple, just have the last name, you guessed it, Van Valkenburg, or a slight variation thereof. Vern Valkenhurg is perfectly acceptable apparently. That's right, no special talent required, you just have to have the name.

Wait, can you just change your name to that and collect the money? No, we checked. It seems this was set up for descendents of a specific family (Lambert and Annetje Van Valkenburg) who came to America in 1643. And descendents of their spouses. And, just for the hell of it, descendents of anybody else who, by pure coincidence, happen to have that same name.

What if you're a female Van Valkenburg but have already gotten married and changed the name? What if your real name is Terrance Van Valkenburg, but you're known by your rapper name, T-Pain?

Van Valkenburg, about to make it rain.

Well, we guess you'll have to explain that in the required 500-word essay, where you talk about how awesome it is to be a Van Valkenburg and why you deserve to be paid for it.

The Frederick and Mary F. Beckley Scholarship

Fredrick and Mary F. Beckley suffered something that no human being should be made to suffer, cursed from birth as if crushed by the boot of fate itself. That's right, they were left handed.

But, fortunately they survived their curse and now are reaching out to help others via a scholarship for those with the same affliction.

How Can You Get It?

You have to be a student of Juniata college in Huntington, Pennsylvania, and also be left handed. Two students will get it, and once more we're not quite sure how they test it. Do they tie your right hand behind your back and see if you can still catch a baseball hurled at your face? What if you're ambidextrous? Those lucky ambidextrous bastards shouldn't be allowed to get it, should they?

We don't see where this one requires an essay, but if it does you'd better not let them catch you writing that shit with your right hand.

The Duck Brand Duct Tape Scholarship

Duck brand Duct Tape can be used for anything. Tape a duct? Duct tape. Makeshift lint roller? Duct tape. Horrible open wound? Duct tape. Make a ridiculous article of clothing in order to win a scholarship? Duct tape.

How Can You Get It?

Design a full male and female prom ensemble out of duct tape. The best one wins a $6,000 scholarship. The only downside is that horrible sticky residue that stays on even after you have ripped off all of your skin.

Though, looking at the incredibly elaborate outfits previous winners made, we'd have to think that the minimum requirement here is several hundred dollars' worth of tape and several months of work. So you couples out there, don't think you can just wander in with the girl looking like Leeloo from The Fifth Element and the guy wearing nothing but a new roll of tape hung around his erect penis. That shit ain't gonna fly.

The Gertrude J Deppen Scholarship

Do you practice good, old-fashioned morals? Are you often mocked because you won't indulge in a sinful lifestyle of excess and fun? Are you incredibly lazy? Do you have a vagina? Then the Gertrude J. Deppen scholarship is for you!

How Can You Get It?

This one was established for applicants "who are not habitual users of tobacco, intoxicating liquor, and narcotics, and who do not participate in strenuous athletic contests." So that means if you don't do drugs, don't smoke, and don't move, you can be rolling your rascal scooter through the doors of a prestigious college near you.

Again, we're not sure exactly how they verify that you abstain from "strenuous athletic contests" (we assume golf is okay) since we assume it's easier to fake not having game than having it. We'd assume they just pick the really fat contestants, but having a scholarship just for fat people would be crazy, right?

The New England Chapter of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance Scholarship

Well, crazy or not, here is The New England Chapter of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance scholarship.

Here we truly have a scholarship for the internet age (or Americans in general, we guess). It's for all of you who can't get the Gertrude J Deppen scholarship because you're either A. a male, or B. A cigarette smoking, drug using, tobacco chewing, liquor-drinking fat cowboy.

How Can You Get It?

Well, if you are one of the above things, but still a fatty, this scholarship offers an annual scholarship of $500 to a "fat" high school senior currently attending school in the New England area, who advances the understanding of fat people everywhere.

We're not sure exactly how a fat high school kid is supposed to advance Fat Acceptance all by himself, but we assume it involves being a cool fat guy who still gets lots of chicks, like Tony Soprano, and not one of those self-deprecating slob types like the guy from King of Queens.

The Klingon Language Institute Kor Memorial Scholarship Scholarship

Really, are there no limits to the benefits of learning Klingon? Just think of watching your Star Trek DVD's and understanding the Klingon's dialogue without having to glance down at the subtitles. Imagine impressing dates by ordering in the native language when you go out to eat at Klingon restaurants.

And now, on top of all of the countless life advantages a knowledge of Klingon will gain you, there is The Kor Memorial Scholarship from the Klingon Language Institute.

How Can You Get It?

Candidates should have a knowledge of Klingon or other "constructed" languages (meaning made-up languages that are just as difficult to learn as real languages, only without the chance of ever actually winding up in a place where they speak it).

The "Kor" that the Kor Memorial Scholarship is memorializing is of course "Kor, son of Rynar, the last son fo the House of Kor and descendent of the Klingon Imperial Family". According to that link, "He was one of the most influential warriors and respected military leaders of the Klingon Empire during the late 23rd and early 24th centuries."

If you're wondering how we can be memorializing someone who, even in the fictional universe, won't actually die for a few more centuries, then we're pretty sure you've already been disqualified for the scholarship anyway.

Check out some courses perfect for people with no talent in Smash Bros Theory: 6 Absurd Classes Taught at Actual Colleges. Or impress a liberal arts major by learning to make fun of Hollywood's 6 Favorite Offensive Stereotypes.

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