The Tall Club Scholarship
Do you hit your head on ceiling fans? Are people constantly asking if you play basketball? Then this scholarship is for you. Before you know it you'll be ducking under the doorways to the best colleges money can buy (for a thousand dollars, anyway).
How Can You Get It?
You have to be a male, at least 6'2'' or a female at least 5'10'. We're not sure if they measure you or make you get something off a really tall shelf or what.
Though looking at their requirements up there, is 6'2" really considered so freakishly tall as to be debilitating? An average-sized dude with really tall hair would qualify. Do they take that into account?
Also, you do have to write an essay titled, "what being tall means to me." There is no minimum for the amount of words in the essay, because the tall club realizes that being tall isn't a skill and it should probably mean nothing to you, except for possibly having to shop at a special store for your clothes and the ability to intimidate anybody who tries to drive the lane.
The Van Valkenburg Memorial Scholarship
Are you sick of people making fun of your last name? Do you wish you could shove it back in their faces? Oh, also, does your last name happen to be Van Valkenburg?
Well if you apply for the Van Valkenburg Memorial Scholarship you could be a thousand bucks closer to a college education.
How Can You Get It?
It's simple, just have the last name, you guessed it, Van Valkenburg, or a slight variation thereof. Vern Valkenhurg is perfectly acceptable apparently. That's right, no special talent required, you just have to have the name.
Wait, can you just change your name to that and collect the money? No, we checked. It seems this was set up for descendents of a specific family (Lambert and Annetje Van Valkenburg) who came to America in 1643. And descendents of their spouses. And, just for the hell of it, descendents of anybody else who, by pure coincidence, happen to have that same name.
What if you're a female Van Valkenburg but have already gotten married and changed the name? What if your real name is Terrance Van Valkenburg, but you're known by your rapper name, T-Pain?
Van Valkenburg, about to make it rain.
Well, we guess you'll have to explain that in the required 500-word essay, where you talk about how awesome it is to be a Van Valkenburg and why you deserve to be paid for it.
The Frederick and Mary F. Beckley Scholarship
Fredrick and Mary F. Beckley suffered something that no human being should be made to suffer, cursed from birth as if crushed by the boot of fate itself. That's right, they were left handed.