PathetiCon: 8 Geek Conventions God Never Intended

It's hard to rank conventions according to some sort of sadness hierarchy. What makes Star Wars more deserving of a gathering than say, Blake's 7? These are the sorts of questions nerd scholars write dissertations on. But nerd academia is pretty much in agreement that a convention focused solely on the mid-'90s Disney cartoon Gargoyles, a show that hasn't been produced since 1996, ranks down near Harry and the Hendersons and Manimal as TV shows not deserving of their own convention, or even a mention in casual conversation at other legitimate geek conventions.

The annual Gathering of the Gargoyles convention includes a radio play (in which fans have to audition to read a Gargoyles script, which will be performed as a major con event later on), an art show, dinner and trivia. It culminates in a masquerade and dance, because no real con is complete until someone has dressed up like a fictional character and thrust around the dance floor to some Miley Cyrus music.

For those who like a more immersing experience, there is cosplay, which involves not only dressing up, but dressing up and playing pretend. As it should be obvious that dressing up like a Disney cartoon in front of strangers is dangerous, there are clear rules on the website for cosplay, including things like "Do not jump, backflip, handspring or otherwise hurl yourself bodily during your skit. Do not hurl anyone else bodily during your skit, either," which indicates past cosplay experiences have apparently been savage affairs with much bodily hurling.

Also noteworthy is that "genitalia and breasts must be covered," which is pretty much a good rule of thumb for any sci-fi con, and yet another indication that past Gathering of the Gargoyles probably ended with one or two participants getting a traumatizing eyeful of gargoyle scrotum.

Wikipedia tells us that Anthrocon is the world's largest furry convention. Which implies there are others. Indeed, what you thought was a curious fetish among a few lonely 14-year-olds who watch a lot of anime, in fact has enough of a fan base to necessitate conventions.

Anthrocon has taken place every year since 1997 and gets about 2,500 attendees, all of whom we assume want to fuck giant, talking squirrels. The point of the convention is to gather in a hotel and enjoy anthropomorphic animals to a greater or lesser degree of creepiness as appeals to the individual. The fact that the convention involves furry Twister does little to endear the event to those of us who never wanted to make out with Bugs Bunny, however.

As something of a positive, the convention raises money for animal charities, so it's not all rippling fox thighs and off-putting social rejects comparing their sketch books while debating about whether or not a centaur would have both human and equine genitalia.

Like all cons, ZebraCon found a way to mix the mundane activities of nerd life with its somewhat off-putting subject matter. Attendees could sit around and watch the unaired Heroes pilot, play Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots and presumably discuss the subtle intricacies of what manner of gay trysts would occur if the Stargate and Star Trek universes somehow crossed.

At some point there's also huddling around computers as convention goers show off homemade music videos, like this, containing mostly spliced scenes of two men who happen to be in frame together, shown in such a way as to imply they're about to make love.

No, we can't account for all the shots of Mulder and Scully, them not being two dudes and all, we figure the geek factor of the X-Files made it acceptable for whoever made the video.

However, our research team looked into it and, wouldn't you know, we found evidence of LOLcats. Computers, cats and amateur folk music together? Saints be praised!

The Filk fest, aside from probably being the world's biggest source of songs about Buck Rogers, also has workshops, songwriting competitions and open-filking which sounds like something you're apt to see in a special niche of Euro porn.

If none of that is to your liking, this year there's also a concert by special guest performer Moonwulf. Yes, the Moonwulf!

Imagine attending ROFLcon and having to go to the washroom only to find yourself at a urinal between a guy dressed like Tron and a guy who put the words "I can haz cheezburger" on a picture of a cat, both of whom are probably wealthier and more famous than you ever will be. No one's rofling now.