6

Gathering of the Gargoyles

It's hard to rank conventions according to some sort of sadness hierarchy. What makes Star Wars more deserving of a gathering than say, Blake's 7? These are the sorts of questions nerd scholars write dissertations on. But nerd academia is pretty much in agreement that a convention focused solely on the mid-'90s Disney cartoon Gargoyles, a show that hasn't been produced since 1996, ranks down near Harry and the Hendersons and Manimal as TV shows not deserving of their own convention, or even a mention in casual conversation at other legitimate geek conventions.

The annual Gathering of the Gargoyles convention includes a radio play (in which fans have to audition to read a Gargoyles script, which will be performed as a major con event later on), an art show, dinner and trivia. It culminates in a masquerade and dance, because no real con is complete until someone has dressed up like a fictional character and thrust around the dance floor to some Miley Cyrus music.

For those who like a more immersing experience, there is cosplay, which involves not only dressing up, but dressing up and playing pretend. As it should be obvious that dressing up like a Disney cartoon in front of strangers is dangerous, there are clear rules on the website for cosplay, including things like "Do not jump, backflip, handspring or otherwise hurl yourself bodily during your skit. Do not hurl anyone else bodily during your skit, either," which indicates past cosplay experiences have apparently been savage affairs with much bodily hurling.

Also noteworthy is that "genitalia and breasts must be covered," which is pretty much a good rule of thumb for any sci-fi con, and yet another indication that past Gathering of the Gargoyles probably ended with one or two participants getting a traumatizing eyeful of gargoyle scrotum.

5

Anthrocon

Wikipedia tells us that Anthrocon is the world's largest furry convention. Which implies there are others. Indeed, what you thought was a curious fetish among a few lonely 14-year-olds who watch a lot of anime, in fact has enough of a fan base to necessitate conventions.

4

ZebraCon

While a convention dedicated to zebras would potentially straddle the fence between awesome and the most ridiculously boring thing ever, the deceptively named ZebraCon is actually something far more nefarious than a bunch of fans of striped horses hanging out together.

Zebracon is actually a slash convention, "slash" being homoerotic stories using characters from pop culture. It was originally just focused on Starsky and Hutch, whose car had the call sign of Zebra 3, giving the current misleading name the slight edge over "The Starsky and Hutch Fuck Fiction Convention."

Like all cons, ZebraCon found a way to mix the mundane activities of nerd life with its somewhat off-putting subject matter. Attendees could sit around and watch the unaired Heroes pilot, play Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots and presumably discuss the subtle intricacies of what manner of gay trysts would occur if the Stargate and Star Trek universes somehow crossed.

At some point there's also huddling around computers as convention goers show off homemade music videos, like this, containing mostly spliced scenes of two men who happen to be in frame together, shown in such a way as to imply they're about to make love.

No, we can't account for all the shots of Mulder and Scully, them not being two dudes and all, we figure the geek factor of the X-Files made it acceptable for whoever made the video.

3

Ohio Valley Filk Fest

Few conventions really manage to get past the surface nerd image of science fiction and fantasy and delve deep into the horrors that all sci-fi and fantasy nerd stereotypes are born from. But the Ohio Valley Filk Fest dares to tread those murky waters and it does so with a musical backdrop.

2

ROFLcon

The defining characteristic of a good internet meme is the word "internet." They come from and belong on the internet. When they escape and start getting used out in the real world, much like when the word "bling" starts getting tossed around by FOX News anchors, they become soiled, useless things devoid of charm, wit or purpose if they ever had any to begin with.

The ROFLcon convention, which seems to be part metahumor and part harrowing horror, sought to bring together every popular internet meme in one place at one time in the hopes of perhaps creating the biggest nerd salad that's ever been assembled. Guests included some of the faceless folks behind xkcd, 4chan, Leeroy Jenkins, the Tron Guy and too many people whose claim to fame include the letters lol.

Typical of any con, there were panel discussions with keynote speakers, some of which seemed like they were looking into how to turn these memes and related content into cold hard cash, which may have actually been practical. This was then stomped into the ground by the panel "LOLCATS: I CAN HAZ CASE STUDY?" which brought together no less than six human beings who have dedicated at least a portion of their lives to writing, organizing or studying captions on photos of cats. Real, actual people.

Imagine attending ROFLcon and having to go to the washroom only to find yourself at a urinal between a guy dressed like Tron and a guy who put the words "I can haz cheezburger" on a picture of a cat, both of whom are probably wealthier and more famous than you ever will be. No one's rofling now.

1

Yaoi-Con

According to Wikipedia, 85 percent of the people who attend Yaoi-Con are heterosexual females. And you need to be over 18 to get in due to the adult nature of what goes on inside. Sounds promising all out of context like that, doesn't it?

Sadly, the harsh reality is that all those ladies are there to enjoy Yaoi anime and manga, which, like slash, is focused on man-on-man loving. You may then ask yourself why a convention about man-on-man cartoons attracts so many women and is indeed actually directed at women, but we don't have an answer. Don't have one, don't really want one.

There's the standard cosplay, dancing, a masquerade, an auction, swap meet, panel guests, art shows and it's all about gay cartoons. We're not suggesting there's no room in the world for an appreciation of homosexual doodles, but when it morphs into straight women engaging in cosplay, the execution of which must be bizarre indeed, we just can't fully understand what the hell is going on.

The con also features hentai screenings, which means it's entirely possible that there will be a room full of women, dressed as men, watching homoerotic tentacle porn together. Have fun getting that image out of your head.

A fun side note, this is the only con we managed to find that has to quote the California penal code on its website to explain why minors aren't allowed in. But we have faith that within five years, someone is going to start a con that will result in a whole new set of laws.